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jacob cohen Quotes
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Jacob Cohen Quotes



    • I don't get no respect!!!
    • You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny BoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold!
    • A girl called me the other day and said 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
    • A hooker told me 'Not on the first date.'
    • Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.
    • My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
    • During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
    • I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
    • I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.
    • I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.
    • I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
    • I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
    • I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.
    • I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
    • I said to the bartender 'Surprise me.' He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.
    • I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
    • I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
    • I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.
    • I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous- everyone hasn't met me yet.
    • I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
    • I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
    • I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!'
    • I was such an ugly kid- when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
    • My father never liked me, he'd tell me to go out and play 'Hide and-go-fuck-yourself'.
    • I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
    • I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?' He said...'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'
    • I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
    • I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice- I don't know if I'm coming or going.
    • I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.
    • If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
    • It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...
    • It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, 'I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.'
    • Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?
    • Life is just a bowl of pits.
    • My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
    • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
    • My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
    • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
    • My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
    • My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.
    • My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.
    • My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
    • That's the story of my life, no respect, ya know?
    • The other night I told my kid 'Someday, you'll have children of your own.' He said 'So will you.'
    • The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.
    • When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said, 'Is there someone else?' She said, 'There must be.'
    • When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!
    • When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.
    • With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
    • With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...
    • With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.
    • Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
    • You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.
    • I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.
    • I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want!
    • I love three girls at once...if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to.
    • Don't worry honey, I didn't see a're perfect!
    • You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.
    • Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'
    • I'll never forget the time I tried Cocaine. Horrible experience. Of course, I was on Acid at the time... (Monologue from his Saturday Night Live appearance)
    • (Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives!
    • One day I was driving home and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked why, he said, ''Cause you came home early!'
    • Epitaph on his tombstone:
    • jacob cohen

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