Artemus Ward Quotes

• I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.
• The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over.
• I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.
• Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?
• The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his.
• Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?
• He is dreadfully married. 'He's the most married man I ever saw in my life.'
• Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow the money to do it with.
• The sun has a right to 'set' where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.
• They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it.
• I now bid you a welcome adoo.
• ...their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to.
• My pollertics, like my religion, being of an exceedin' accommodatin' character.
• The fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us.
• N.B. This is rote sarcastikul.
• The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste.
• I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
• My wife is one of the best wimin on this Continent, altho' she isn't always gentle as a lamb with mint sauce.
• The happy married man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weeping wife and children. The old bachelor don't die at all - he sort of rots away, like a pollywog's tail.
• They drink with impunity, or anybody who invites them.
• Why don't you show us a statesman who can rise up to the emergency, and cave in the emergency's head?
• It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us into trouble, it's the things we do know that just ain't so.

artemus ward