Ashleigh Brilliant Quotes

Ashleigh Brilliant delivers blunt humor about life, time, and love.

291 quotes

1. Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.

2. All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

3. Dragons love you. You're crunchy and good with ketchup.

4. I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

5. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about.

6. By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm

7. Cheer up! The worst effects of what we're doing won't be felt until after we're all dead

8. Been through Hell? Whaddya bring back for me?

9. I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack at once

10. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

11. Be kind to unkind people; they probably need it the most.

12. My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

13. Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

14. In order to keep an open mind, I am trying to avoid learning anything.

15. I have nothing definite to apologize for, I'm just sorry about everything in general.

16. I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

17. As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need -- tremendous self control.

18. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

19. The case has been going on for so long that I've forgotten whether I'm really innocent or guilty.

20. All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.

21. Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.

22. I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

23. I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you.

24. It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

25. Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

26. My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.

27. My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

28. Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.

29. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

30. Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.

31. Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.

32. Some men are just as sure of the truth of their opinions as are others of what they know.

33. Sometimes I need what only you can provide -- your absence.

34. Take Courage! Whatever you decide to do, it will probably be the wrong thing.

35. The best reason for having dreams is that in dreams no reasons are necessary.

36. I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?

37. If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

38. A good friend is worth pursuing. . . but why would a good friend be running away?

39. Some books makes me want to go adventuring, others feel that they have saved me the trouble.

40. Keep some souvenirs of your past, or how will you ever prove it wasn't all a dream?

41. Success for some people, depends on becoming well-known; for others, it depends on never being found out.

42. What good is it if I talk in flowers while you're thinking in pastry?

43. Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

44. Sometimes the most urgent and vital thing you can possibly do is take a complete rest.

45. It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.

46. We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

47. Why is there still so much pain and suffering being produced when there's so little demand for it?

48. Appreciate me now and avoid the rush!

49. Better start rushing before the rush begins!

50. Do what you know is right, but try not to get caught.

51. Even if you're not enjoying the flight, it's futile to threaten to get out and walk.

52. Even when I'm happy and successful, life still goes on.

53. Having failed to conquer myself, my best hope now is to arrange an alliance with myself.

54. I always like to know what I'm doing, but there are times when nobody will tell me.

55. I could do great things, if I weren't so busy doing little things.

56. I hope I can settle my internal conflicts without bloodshed.

57. I try to take life as it comes, and just hope it keeps coming.

58. I'll give up my bad habits as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.

59. I'm going to spend the rest of my life in the future, and possibly even longer.

60. Is it you and I who are crazy, or is it everybody else?

61. It's sometimes easier to do the impossible than to do the embarrassing.

62. Life is a process of losing our illusions, until we finally lose the illusion that we're alive.

63. Most of my problems have no answer or else the answer is worse than the problem.

64. Not only don't I know what tomorrow will bring, I'm still not entirely certain what yesterday brought.

65. Please don't believe everything you hear about me, regardless of how true it may be.

66. Should I abide by the rules until they're changed, or help speed the change by breaking them?

67. Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.

68. The task I've been given seems absurd: To wait here on earth until I no longer exist.

69. The things I fear may all be imaginary, so what I fear most is my imagination.

70. There is a world which I alone rule, but it ends at my fingertips.

71. Unlike most other people, I'm just an average person.

72. Without me there could be no everybody.

73. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

74. No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.

75. Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down

76. The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!

77. Every time I do it at least proves I can still do it.

78. Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.

79. If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.

80. Wonderful! You have some of my favourite problems!

81. If you can't go around it, over it, or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.

82. One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.

83. For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called 'here'.

84. Hold on to me: Someday I may be quite valuable.

85. I have you, you have me. At least one of us is lucky.

86. I'm in search of myself - have you seen me anywhere?

87. I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

88. We must have courage, faith, and lunch together sometime soon.

89. I'm not always depressed: only when I think and feel.

90. The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other.

91. There may not be a Heaven, but there is a San Francisco.

92. The most exciting place to discover talent is in yourself.

93. I too have known joy and sadness, and, on the whole, I prefer joy.

94. If I had more skill in what I'm attempting, I wouldn't need so much courage.

95. If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.

96. Sometimes the best way to be useful is to get out of somebody's way.

97. I don't know how to be happy - They didn't teach it in my school.

98. It's hard to face tomorrow, but it's easier than facing no tomorrow.

99. The trouble is that sex is a force of nature, and reason is not.

100. Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.

101. How can I be sure I've succeeded, if I can't remember what I was trying to do.

102. My mind contains many good ideas, but it's not always easy to squeeze one out.

103. It's human to make mistakes - and some of us are much more human than others.

104. My biggest problem is what to do about all the things I can't do anything about.

105. Not even a great leader can get very far without great people to lead.

106. Life is not a problem - Life is the closest God has yet come to a solution.

107. I could do without many things with no hardship - you are not one of them.

108. It's easier to learn many other things, if you first learn how to learn.

109. My computer must be broken: whenever I ask a wrong question, it gives a wrong answer.

110. Unless you move, the place where you are is the place where you will always be.

111. Good ideas are common - what's uncommon are people who'll work hard enough to bring them about.

112. It can take a surprisingly long time to get from one part of my mind to another.

113. Words are a wonderful form of communication, but they will never replace kisses and punches.

114. By accepting you as you are, I do not necessarily abandon all hope of your improving.

115. The closest you will ever come in this life to an orderly universe is a good library.

116. The really great people are the ones who know how to make the little people feel great.

117. Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.

118. Our meetings are held to discuss many problems which would never arise if we held fewer meetings.

119. Fortunately in my work there's always a choice: I can choose to do it willingly or unwillingly.

120. If only our great thinkers could learn to talk, and our great talkers could learn to think.

121. When you plan a journey from your mind into mine, remember to allow for the time difference.

122. I'm not yet desperate enough to do anything about the conditions that are making me desperate.

123. This is serious: some of the things that are supposed to last the rest of my life are already wearing out.

124. With all deference to Chairman Mao and other authors whose quotations derive from longer works, it seemed that I was becoming the world's first writer of self-contained ready-made quotations.

125. Everything takes longer than you expect - even when you expect it to take longer than you expect.

126. I can only do one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.

127. Sooner or later, I'll be punctual.

128. The best thing about being too late is that there's no more need to hurry.

129. Until I met you, I thought the world had some rational basis.

130. Aren't I lucky, to have survived so much bad luck.

131. Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them, others are so fast, they don't notice you.

132. Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with some of the living.

133. The entire universe will eventually disintegrate but by then I hope to be in a safer place.

134. Do you believe in apathy at first sight?

135. Caution! Be very careful of false, meaningless, self-contradictory, and not even very funny warnings, like this one.

136. The greatest obstacle to discovering the truth is being convinced that you already know it.

137. My worst personal problem is that my computer doesn't understand me.

138. One good thing about my computer: it never asks why.

139. Thanks to my computer, I have now achieved a much higher state of disorganization.

140. I march to a different drummer, whose location, identity, and musical training haven't yet been established.

141. If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.

142. It would be easier for me to reject all established values, if I knew what they were.

143. The majority is never right, unless it includes me.

144. You can never discard too many bad ideas.

145. My life has been greatly influenced by many books which I have never read.

146. Dying is a part of living, but only a very small part.

147. I didn't mind being a public executioner, once I got the hang of it.

148. If I can survive death, I can probably survive anything.

149. Where would I be without my sense of direction.

150. One thing you can rely on is that there will always be uncertainty.

151. Being dead is one way to experience nothing - another is to attend some classes at my school.

152. I was educated once, and it took me years to get over it.

153. The truly successful teacher is the one you will never need again.

154. There's so much to learn and so much of it not worth learning.

155. It's amazing how much research has gone into making some of the worst decisions.

156. The more sure you are, the more wrong you can be.

157. Watch out! It's quite possible that some of my best mistakes haven't yet been made.

158. Why aren't you more grateful when I prove how wrong you've been?

159. The surest way to learn is by doing it - but often, the lesson is: Don't do it!

160. Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the window.

161. I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy.

162. I never miss reality when I'm not in it, but it's sometimes nice to come back to.

163. What could possibly be more fantastic than reality?

164. Why does merely attempting to understand Reality so often seem to lead to going insane?

165. Some people can find all the peace of mind they need in a good, satisfying conflict.

166. Are we having a relationship - or just doing research on each other?

167. It's well-known that men and women are different but it keeps being re-discovered with great excitement.

168. There are no important differences between men and women, but the unimportant ones are sometimes very interesting.

169. Women can do anything men can do, but often have more sense than even to be interested.

170. My struggle to remain healthy is gradually killing me.

171. The chief purpose of our organization is to perpetuate our organization.

172. One thing about pain: It proves you're alive.

173. History may never have all the facts, but history always has the last word.

174. Beware! I'm acting under the influence of human nature.

175. The future seems to be in good hands - it's the past I'm worried about.

176. I've found the secret of happiness - total disregard of everybody.

177. Why am I so often at the mercy of those who don't deserve to control my life?

178. Accept me for what I am - completely unacceptable.

179. How can you call it unreasonable when all I want is my own way?

180. If coffee didn't exist, somebody would have to invent it for me very soon.

181. Don't be afraid - I'm right behind you (using you as a shield).

182. In a democracy, every little wrong idea may grow up to become national policy.

183. There ought to be a better way than government to run the world.

184. Vote wisely, even if that means not voting at all.

185. You are what you eat, but eventually you become what eats you.

186. Why does it so often take a genius to see the obvious?

187. The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

188. They laughed at Edison and Einstein, but somehow I still feel uncomfortable when they laugh at me.

189. He was tried in absentia, and hanged in effigy - but I can't find either of them on the map.

190. What I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle.

191. There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before.

192. Take heart! Many great things have been done by people in poor mental health.

193. Don't let yourself suffer needlessly - find a need to suffer.

194. Even a meaningless life may contain many good breakfasts.

195. How can I fail when I have no purpose?

196. I can no longer face life, so I've decided to go through the rest of it backwards.

197. I understood most of your message, but would you mind repeating the last scream?

198. I've learned to accept birth and death . . . but sometimes I still worry about what lies between.

199. It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

200. It's good to have some certainty in life - even if it's only that I'm in deep trouble.

201. It's hard enough to be alive and human, without the additional burden of being me.

202. Just when I nearly had the answer, I forgot the question.

203. Life can be very deep, but I'm trying to stay at the shallow end.

204. Life is an incurable condition: the only known treatment is to try to keep the patient comfortable.

205. Life is too important to be taken as a joke, but too ridiculous to be taken seriously.

206. Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

207. My cat knows the meaning of life, but has no interest in sharing the secret.

208. My life shows a clear pattern of total unpredictability.

209. My life so far has been a long series of things I wasn't ready for.

210. My main object in life is to see what will happen next.

211. Nothing really matters except a few things that really don't matter very much.

212. The longer I live, the less chance I'll ever recover from what life keeps doing to me.

213. There's nothing on my mind that couldn't be expressed by a long insane outburst of hysterical rage.

214. Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.

215. You have a right to enjoy life, but only on your own time.

216. I feel much better, now that I've given up hope.

217. Caution: Read no further if you are easily offended. [Thanks for confirming what I suspected about you.]

218. Be a good neighbor, and leave me alone.

219. All I ask of Life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

220. I like who I am, and am puzzled to find that not everybody shares this opinion.

221. Why is my autograph so little in demand, except on checks?

222. At what point in my struggle with nature will nature finally give up?

223. Cling to your insecurity - in this world, it's the only thing you can be sure of.

224. The reports on human progress are beginning to come in, and some are a little discouraging.

225. You can't stop progress, but you can help decide what is progress and what isn't.

226. I believe the stars can affect human lives, particularly by providing employment for thousands of astrologers.

227. To the Tax Office: All is over between us. Please don't attempt to communicate with me again.

228. I recently had my problems on the run, but now they've re-grouped, and are making another attack.

229. Your reasoning is excellent - it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.

230. If you must keep groaning, please try to do it in a rhythm I can dance to.

231. My time is far too valuable for me to spend any of it trying to improve myself.

232. When in-laws are outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.

233. It's all very simple, or else it's all very complex, or perhaps it's neither, or both.

234. My first line of defense against reality is called sleep.

235. At great expense, we have built a vast system of inter-connecting stupidities.

236. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

237. My problems aren't big but it doesn't necessarily take a big problem to kill me.

238. I too am a member of the human race, (but admittedly not a very active member).

239. Why is the competition always so intense to set new records for maximum stupidity?

240. My social life is much better, since I stopped spending it with other people.

241. Doing it wrong fast is at least better than doing it wrong slowly.

242. I am eagerly awaiting my next disappointment.

243. I can face anything, except the future, and certain parts of the past and present.

244. Instead of past, present and future, I'd prefer chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

245. It's hard letting go of the past, when there are no firm handholds in the future.

246. The longer I live the less future there is to worry about.

247. Time will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods.

248. I've learned so much from my failures that I'm thinking of having some more.

249. If I do enough different things in enough different ways, I may, eventually, do something right.

250. Sometimes the only way you can win is to stay out of the game.

251. The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more.

252. To be sure of winning, invent your own game, and never tell any other player the rules.

253. Unfortunately, it's possible to be able to do something extremely well that nobody ever wants done.

254. One problem I have definitely solved is the problem of not having enough to worry about.

255. Please don't tell me there's no need to worry - it's the only thing I'm any good at.

256. Please don't tell me to relax - it's only my tension that's holding me together.

257. Some of my troubles are so familiar, I know them by their first names.

258. I have no prejudices: all my irrational hatreds are based on solid evidence.

259. We're still benefiting from the sacrifices of people long dead - but we're also suffering from their errors.

260. Speak nothing but the truth, and you'll soon be considered dangerous.

261. History records no more gallant struggle than that of humanity against the truth.

262. I have many unrecognized talents - but my faults have somehow succeeded in securing wide recognition.

263. If you never try anything new, you'll miss many of the world's great disappointments.

264. My success lies in having achieved a record numbers of failures.

265. We can all learn from our failures. What I've learned is how much it hurts to fail.

266. I have just discovered the truth, and can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.

267. All people are different. That's why everybody should be treated the same.

268. The older you get, the more important it is not to act your age.

269. By using your intelligence, you can sometimes make your problems twice as complicated.

270. For me, it's always easy to choose between the Ultimate, the Infinite, and the Chocolate.

271. I am irrevocably committed to being permanently indecisive.

272. I was unemployed for a long time, but I couldn't adjust to the hours.

273. More books have resulted from somebody's need to write than from anybody's need to read.

274. Never underestimate the size and scope of my problems.

275. Even with a round table, some people always seem able to sit at the head of it.

276. Is there life in other families?

277. It costs money to stay healthy, but it's even more expensive to get sick.

278. I don't need a great deal of love but I do need a steady supply.

279. Isn't it a coincidence that you and I are both alive at the same time?

280. I'm just moving clouds today, tomorrow I'll try mountains.

281. In one sense, I have always felt glad to have had the war [World War II] in my childhood, because, as a result, nothing that has happened in the world since then has ever seemed quite so bad. On the other hand, I never entirely got over my feeling of being cheated when the promised era of peace in a wonderful 'post-war world' failed to materialize. I could not understand how, after all that, people could ever even think of fighting again. And I still can't.

282. My biggest problem is what to do about all the things I cant do anything about.

283. I will always love the false image I had of you.

284. Not everything I dislike should be destroyed, some of it should simply be moved farther away.

285. If I didn't have most of my friends, I wouldn't have most of my problems.

286. At any moment I could start being a better person, but which moment I should choose?

287. What should I do if my problems aren't all solved by the time I die?

288. What happened to you could have been worse - it could have happened to me.

289. One possible reason why things aren't going according to plan is that there never was a plan.

290. Some books makes me want to go adventuring, others make me feel that they have saved me the trouble.

291. According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.