281 Ashleigh Brilliant Quotes

Ashleigh Brilliant delivers blunt humor about life, time, and love.

Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.
#1
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
#2
Dragons love you. You're crunchy and good with ketchup.
#3
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
#4
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about.
#5
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm
#6
Cheer up! The worst effects of what we're doing won't be felt until after we're all dead
#7
Been through Hell? Whaddya bring back for me?
#8
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack at once
#9
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
#10
Be kind to unkind people; they probably need it the most.
#11
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
#12
Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
#13
In order to keep an open mind, I am trying to avoid learning anything.
#14
I have nothing definite to apologize for, I'm just sorry about everything in general.
#15
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
#16
As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need -- tremendous self control.
#17
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
#18
The case has been going on for so long that I've forgotten whether I'm really innocent or guilty.
#19
All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
#20
Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
#21
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
#22
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you.
#23
It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.
#24
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
#25
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
#26
My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
#27
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
#28
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
#29
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
#30
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
#31
Some men are just as sure of the truth of their opinions as are others of what they know.
#32
Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide -- your absence.
#33
Take Courage! Whatever you decide to do, it will probably be the wrong thing.
#34
The best reason for having dreams is that in dreams no reasons are necessary.
#35
I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?
#36
If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.
#37
A good friend is worth pursuing. . . but why would a good friend be running away?
#38
Some books makes me want to go adventuring, others feel that they have saved me the trouble.
#39
Keep some souvenirs of your past, or how will you ever prove it wasn't all a dream?
#40
Success for some people, depends on becoming well-known; for others, it depends on never being found out.
#41
What good is it if I talk in flowers while you're thinking in pastry?
#42
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
#43
Sometimes the most urgent and vital thing you can possibly do is take a complete rest.
#44
It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.
#45
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
#46
Why is there still so much pain and suffering being produced when there's so little demand for it?
#47
Appreciate me now and avoid the rush!
#48
Better start rushing before the rush begins!
#49
Do what you know is right, but try not to get caught.
#50
Even if you're not enjoying the flight, it's futile to threaten to get out and walk.
#51
Even when I'm happy and successful, life still goes on.
#52
Having failed to conquer myself, my best hope now is to arrange an alliance with myself.
#53
I always like to know what I'm doing, but there are times when nobody will tell me.
#54
I could do great things, if I weren't so busy doing little things.
#55
I hope I can settle my internal conflicts without bloodshed.
#56
I try to take life as it comes, and just hope it keeps coming.
#57
I'll give up my bad habits as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
#58
I'm going to spend the rest of my life in the future, and possibly even longer.
#59
Is it you and I who are crazy, or is it everybody else?
#60
It's sometimes easier to do the impossible than to do the embarrassing.
#61
Life is a process of losing our illusions, until we finally lose the illusion that we're alive.
#62
Most of my problems have no answer or else the answer is worse than the problem.
#63
Not only don't I know what tomorrow will bring, I'm still not entirely certain what yesterday brought.
#64
Please don't believe everything you hear about me, regardless of how true it may be.
#65
Should I abide by the rules until they're changed, or help speed the change by breaking them?
#66
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.
#67
The task I've been given seems absurd: To wait here on earth until I no longer exist.
#68
The things I fear may all be imaginary, so what I fear most is my imagination.
#69
There is a world which I alone rule, but it ends at my fingertips.
#70
Unlike most other people, I'm just an average person.
#71
Without me there could be no everybody.
#72
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
#73
No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.
#74
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down
#75
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
#76
Every time I do it at least proves I can still do it.
#77
Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.
#78
If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
#79
Wonderful! You have some of my favourite problems!
#80
If you can't go around it, over it, or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.
#81
One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
#82
For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called 'here'.
#83
Hold on to me: Someday I may be quite valuable.
#84
I have you, you have me. At least one of us is lucky.
#85
I'm in search of myself - have you seen me anywhere?
#86
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
#87
We must have courage, faith, and lunch together sometime soon.
#88
I'm not always depressed: only when I think and feel.
#89
The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other.
#90
There may not be a Heaven, but there is a San Francisco.
#91
The most exciting place to discover talent is in yourself.
#92
I too have known joy and sadness, and, on the whole, I prefer joy.
#93
If I had more skill in what I'm attempting, I wouldn't need so much courage.
#94
If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.
#95
Sometimes the best way to be useful is to get out of somebody's way.
#96
I don't know how to be happy - They didn't teach it in my school.
#97
It's hard to face tomorrow, but it's easier than facing no tomorrow.
#98
The trouble is that sex is a force of nature, and reason is not.
#99
Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.
#100
How can I be sure I've succeeded, if I can't remember what I was trying to do.
#101
My mind contains many good ideas, but it's not always easy to squeeze one out.
#102
It's human to make mistakes - and some of us are much more human than others.
#103
My biggest problem is what to do about all the things I can't do anything about.
#104
Not even a great leader can get very far without great people to lead.
#105
Life is not a problem - Life is the closest God has yet come to a solution.
#106
I could do without many things with no hardship - you are not one of them.
#107
It's easier to learn many other things, if you first learn how to learn.
#108
My computer must be broken: whenever I ask a wrong question, it gives a wrong answer.
#109
Unless you move, the place where you are is the place where you will always be.
#110
Good ideas are common - what's uncommon are people who'll work hard enough to bring them about.
#111
It can take a surprisingly long time to get from one part of my mind to another.
#112
Words are a wonderful form of communication, but they will never replace kisses and punches.
#113
By accepting you as you are, I do not necessarily abandon all hope of your improving.
#114
The closest you will ever come in this life to an orderly universe is a good library.
#115
The really great people are the ones who know how to make the little people feel great.
#116
Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.
#117
Our meetings are held to discuss many problems which would never arise if we held fewer meetings.
#118
Fortunately in my work there's always a choice: I can choose to do it willingly or unwillingly.
#119
If only our great thinkers could learn to talk, and our great talkers could learn to think.
#120
When you plan a journey from your mind into mine, remember to allow for the time difference.
#121
I'm not yet desperate enough to do anything about the conditions that are making me desperate.
#122
This is serious: some of the things that are supposed to last the rest of my life are already wearing out.
#123
With all deference to Chairman Mao and other authors whose quotations derive from longer works, it seemed that I was becoming the world's first writer of self-contained ready-made quotations.
#124
Everything takes longer than you expect - even when you expect it to take longer than you expect.
#125
I can only do one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.
#126
Sooner or later, I'll be punctual.
#127
The best thing about being too late is that there's no more need to hurry.
#128
Until I met you, I thought the world had some rational basis.
#129
Aren't I lucky, to have survived so much bad luck.
#130
Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them, others are so fast, they don't notice you.
#131
Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with some of the living.
#132
The entire universe will eventually disintegrate but by then I hope to be in a safer place.
#133
Do you believe in apathy at first sight?
#134
Caution! Be very careful of false, meaningless, self-contradictory, and not even very funny warnings, like this one.
#135
The greatest obstacle to discovering the truth is being convinced that you already know it.
#136
My worst personal problem is that my computer doesn't understand me.
#137
One good thing about my computer: it never asks why.
#138
Thanks to my computer, I have now achieved a much higher state of disorganization.
#139
I march to a different drummer, whose location, identity, and musical training haven't yet been established.
#140
If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
#141
It would be easier for me to reject all established values, if I knew what they were.
#142
The majority is never right, unless it includes me.
#143
You can never discard too many bad ideas.
#144
My life has been greatly influenced by many books which I have never read.
#145
Dying is a part of living, but only a very small part.
#146
I didn't mind being a public executioner, once I got the hang of it.
#147
If I can survive death, I can probably survive anything.
#148
Where would I be without my sense of direction.
#149
One thing you can rely on is that there will always be uncertainty.
#150
Being dead is one way to experience nothing - another is to attend some classes at my school.
#151
I was educated once, and it took me years to get over it.
#152
The truly successful teacher is the one you will never need again.
#153
There's so much to learn and so much of it not worth learning.
#154
It's amazing how much research has gone into making some of the worst decisions.
#155
The more sure you are, the more wrong you can be.
#156
Watch out! It's quite possible that some of my best mistakes haven't yet been made.
#157
Why aren't you more grateful when I prove how wrong you've been?
#158
The surest way to learn is by doing it - but often, the lesson is: Don't do it!
#159
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the window.
#160
I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy.
#161
I never miss reality when I'm not in it, but it's sometimes nice to come back to.
#162
What could possibly be more fantastic than reality?
#163
Why does merely attempting to understand Reality so often seem to lead to going insane?
#164
Some people can find all the peace of mind they need in a good, satisfying conflict.
#165
Are we having a relationship - or just doing research on each other?
#166
It's well-known that men and women are different but it keeps being re-discovered with great excitement.
#167
There are no important differences between men and women, but the unimportant ones are sometimes very interesting.
#168
Women can do anything men can do, but often have more sense than even to be interested.
#169
My struggle to remain healthy is gradually killing me.
#170
The chief purpose of our organization is to perpetuate our organization.
#171
One thing about pain: It proves you're alive.
#172
History may never have all the facts, but history always has the last word.
#173
Beware! I'm acting under the influence of human nature.
#174
The future seems to be in good hands - it's the past I'm worried about.
#175
I've found the secret of happiness - total disregard of everybody.
#176
Why am I so often at the mercy of those who don't deserve to control my life?
#177
Accept me for what I am - completely unacceptable.
#178
How can you call it unreasonable when all I want is my own way?
#179
If coffee didn't exist, somebody would have to invent it for me very soon.
#180
Don't be afraid - I'm right behind you (using you as a shield).
#181
In a democracy, every little wrong idea may grow up to become national policy.
#182
There ought to be a better way than government to run the world.
#183
Vote wisely, even if that means not voting at all.
#184
You are what you eat, but eventually you become what eats you.
#185
Why does it so often take a genius to see the obvious?
#186
The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.
#187
They laughed at Edison and Einstein, but somehow I still feel uncomfortable when they laugh at me.
#188
He was tried in absentia, and hanged in effigy - but I can't find either of them on the map.
#189
What I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle.
#190
There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before.
#191
Take heart! Many great things have been done by people in poor mental health.
#192
Don't let yourself suffer needlessly - find a need to suffer.
#193
Even a meaningless life may contain many good breakfasts.
#194
How can I fail when I have no purpose?
#195
I can no longer face life, so I've decided to go through the rest of it backwards.
#196
I understood most of your message, but would you mind repeating the last scream?
#197
I've learned to accept birth and death . . . but sometimes I still worry about what lies between.
#198
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
#199
It's good to have some certainty in life - even if it's only that I'm in deep trouble.
#200
It's hard enough to be alive and human, without the additional burden of being me.
#201
Just when I nearly had the answer, I forgot the question.
#202
Life can be very deep, but I'm trying to stay at the shallow end.
#203
Life is an incurable condition: the only known treatment is to try to keep the patient comfortable.
#204
Life is too important to be taken as a joke, but too ridiculous to be taken seriously.
#205
Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
#206
My cat knows the meaning of life, but has no interest in sharing the secret.
#207
My life shows a clear pattern of total unpredictability.
#208
My life so far has been a long series of things I wasn't ready for.
#209
My main object in life is to see what will happen next.
#210
Nothing really matters except a few things that really don't matter very much.
#211
The longer I live, the less chance I'll ever recover from what life keeps doing to me.
#212
There's nothing on my mind that couldn't be expressed by a long insane outburst of hysterical rage.
#213
Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.
#214
You have a right to enjoy life, but only on your own time.
#215
I feel much better, now that I've given up hope.
#216
Caution: Read no further if you are easily offended. [Thanks for confirming what I suspected about you.]
#217
Be a good neighbor, and leave me alone.
#218
All I ask of Life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
#219
I like who I am, and am puzzled to find that not everybody shares this opinion.
#220
Why is my autograph so little in demand, except on checks?
#221
At what point in my struggle with nature will nature finally give up?
#222
Cling to your insecurity - in this world, it's the only thing you can be sure of.
#223
The reports on human progress are beginning to come in, and some are a little discouraging.
#224
You can't stop progress, but you can help decide what is progress and what isn't.
#225
I believe the stars can affect human lives, particularly by providing employment for thousands of astrologers.
#226
To the Tax Office: All is over between us. Please don't attempt to communicate with me again.
#227
I recently had my problems on the run, but now they've re-grouped, and are making another attack.
#228
Your reasoning is excellent - it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
#229
If you must keep groaning, please try to do it in a rhythm I can dance to.
#230
My time is far too valuable for me to spend any of it trying to improve myself.
#231
When in-laws are outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
#232
It's all very simple, or else it's all very complex, or perhaps it's neither, or both.
#233
My first line of defense against reality is called sleep.
#234
At great expense, we have built a vast system of inter-connecting stupidities.
#235
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
#236
My problems aren't big but it doesn't necessarily take a big problem to kill me.
#237
I too am a member of the human race, (but admittedly not a very active member).
#238
Why is the competition always so intense to set new records for maximum stupidity?
#239
My social life is much better, since I stopped spending it with other people.
#240
Doing it wrong fast is at least better than doing it wrong slowly.
#241
I am eagerly awaiting my next disappointment.
#242
I can face anything, except the future, and certain parts of the past and present.
#243
Instead of past, present and future, I'd prefer chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.
#244
It's hard letting go of the past, when there are no firm handholds in the future.
#245
The longer I live the less future there is to worry about.
#246
Time will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
#247
I've learned so much from my failures that I'm thinking of having some more.
#248
If I do enough different things in enough different ways, I may, eventually, do something right.
#249
Sometimes the only way you can win is to stay out of the game.
#250
The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more.
#251
To be sure of winning, invent your own game, and never tell any other player the rules.
#252
Unfortunately, it's possible to be able to do something extremely well that nobody ever wants done.
#253
One problem I have definitely solved is the problem of not having enough to worry about.
#254
Please don't tell me there's no need to worry - it's the only thing I'm any good at.
#255
Please don't tell me to relax - it's only my tension that's holding me together.
#256
Some of my troubles are so familiar, I know them by their first names.
#257
I have no prejudices: all my irrational hatreds are based on solid evidence.
#258
We're still benefiting from the sacrifices of people long dead - but we're also suffering from their errors.
#259
Speak nothing but the truth, and you'll soon be considered dangerous.
#260
History records no more gallant struggle than that of humanity against the truth.
#261
I have many unrecognized talents - but my faults have somehow succeeded in securing wide recognition.
#262
If you never try anything new, you'll miss many of the world's great disappointments.
#263
My success lies in having achieved a record numbers of failures.
#264
We can all learn from our failures. What I've learned is how much it hurts to fail.
#265
I have just discovered the truth, and can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
#266
All people are different. That's why everybody should be treated the same.
#267
The older you get, the more important it is not to act your age.
#268
By using your intelligence, you can sometimes make your problems twice as complicated.
#269
For me, it's always easy to choose between the Ultimate, the Infinite, and the Chocolate.
#270
I am irrevocably committed to being permanently indecisive.
#271
I was unemployed for a long time, but I couldn't adjust to the hours.
#272
More books have resulted from somebody's need to write than from anybody's need to read.
#273
Never underestimate the size and scope of my problems.
#274
Even with a round table, some people always seem able to sit at the head of it.
#275
Is there life in other families?
#276
It costs money to stay healthy, but it's even more expensive to get sick.
#277
I don't need a great deal of love but I do need a steady supply.
#278
Isn't it a coincidence that you and I are both alive at the same time?
#279
I'm just moving clouds today, tomorrow I'll try mountains.
#280
In one sense, I have always felt glad to have had the war [World War II] in my childhood, because, as a result, nothing that has happened in the world since then has ever seemed quite so bad. On the other hand, I never entirely got over my feeling of being cheated when the promised era of peace in a wonderful 'post-war world' failed to materialize. I could not understand how, after all that, people could ever even think of fighting again. And I still can't.
#281

Ashleigh Brilliant quotes