Jane Wagner Quotes

Jane Wagner shares plain-spoken reflections on success, regret and the harshness of reality.

45 quotes

  1. Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

    #1 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  2. Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it....

  3. Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

    #3 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  4. When you're dancing the mystical dance of the molecules, you're not the one who's leading.

  5. It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

    #5 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  6. All my life, I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

  7. If I had known what it would be like to have it all... I might have been willing to settle for less.

    #7 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  8. Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

    #8 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  9. No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.

    #9 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  10. I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.

  11. Your problem is your role models were models.

  12. I swear people don't want sex so much as they want somebody who'll listen to 'em ... the first thing you learn after fellatio is how to listen.

  13. Remember we're all in this alone.

    #13 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  14. Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

    #14 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  15. For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

  16. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

    #16 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  17. If the formula for water is H2O, is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?

  18. If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

    #18 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  19. If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.

  20. Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

    #20 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  21. The best mind-altering drug is truth.

  22. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

    #22 Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  23. Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying - but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?

  24. Interviewer: You once said you had a drug problem... Lily: Yeah, I still do. It's so hard to find good grass these days.

  25. Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

  26. What you try to bury just ends up burying you.

  27. Just think: your family are the people most likely to give you the flu.

  28. I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

  29. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

  30. When I first came into this world, Elvis was already fat.

  31. When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

  32. Ahhhhhhhh. There is nothing natural about natural childbirth. It is as close to a freak accident as anything I can think of. Why I picked a time like this to go off drugs?

  33. You don't know what it's like! Hyperactive twins! When they turned three, my doctor prescribed Ritalin -- I wouldn't dream of giving a drug to my children, but it does help when I take it myself.

  34. I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have deja vu!

  35. I worry that drugs have forced us to be more creative than we really are.

  36. People don't need sex so much as they need to be listened to.

  37. Infinity: Time on an ego trip.

  38. Sex is such a personal thing - why do we insist on sharing it with another person?

  39. I even worry about reflective flea collars. Oh, sure, drivers can see them glow in the dark, but so can the fleas.

  40. I am sick of being the victim of trends I reflect but don't even understand.

  41. Like what's the point being a health nut by day if you're a coke head at night.

  42. Language because of our deep inner need to complain…

  43. The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

  44. To think, we have the garment industry instead of nature to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in so handy for childbirth.

  45. It's not that I lack ambition. I am ambitious in the sense that I want to be more than I am now. But if I were truly ambitious, I think I'd already be more than I am now.