Spike Milligan Quotes

Spike Milligan serves up absurd, funny commentary on identity and health that feels like a playful, chaotic chat.

58 quotes

1. For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

2. If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.

3. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

4. Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

5. Are you going to come along quietly, or am I going to have to use ear plugs?

6. I told you I was ill!

7. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

8. Education isn't everything; for a start it isn't an elephant.

9. I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

10. I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.

11. How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

12. My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

13. The only nice thing I can wish him is an early death

14. World peace could be a possibility...if it weren't for all those damned foreigners!

15. The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled. Twit.

16. I'm fucking Irish!

17. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

18. When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts.

19. Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.

20. Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

21. Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.

22. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

23. I hope you go before me because I don't want you singing at my funeral.

24. Oh, the snivelling grovelling bastard.

25. I suppose a Knighthood is out of the question then?

26. I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.

27. Said Prince Charles when they placed the crown on his head: I suppose this means that Mummy's dead.

28. We're Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Ratties!

29. There's no such thing as anything, and sometimes even less!

30. The small of my back is too big

31. My ribs give me claustrophobia

32. I dont like jam, I dont want it to know where I am

33. It's all in the mind, you know.

34. Its all in the mind, you know.

35. Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

36. If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

37. Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

38. I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

39. May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots.

40. The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.'

41. Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

42. Render any politician down and there's enough fat to fry an egg.

43. If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?

44. We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

45. One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London.

46. When I get depressed, I try to get something for the terrible sadness that comes over me and create something in terms of poetry.

47. Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

48. I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

49. The Grand Old Duke of York He had ten thousand men. His case comes up next week.

50. I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state.

51. The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

52. I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as people. I have to be able to call myself; it's the only way to be sure.

53. My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well.

54. I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals.

55. In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

56. My parents always threw everything out, gave everything away. I'm surprised they never threw me away. That's why I've always kept my children's things. My parents had no feelings for belongings.

57. And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

58. There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.