W. S. Gilbert Quotes

W. S. Gilbert delivers playful, absurd musings on art and ego, great for those who love quirky satire.

54 quotes

A popular speaker, however unpopular and insignificant, has only to wind up his speech with half-a-dozen lines of Shakespeare (and to make it clearly understood that they are Shakespeare's) and he will sit down amid thunders of applause.

#1
from such a face and form as mine, the noblest sentiments sound like the black utterances of a depraved imagination! It's human nature! I'm resigned.

#2
Things are seldom what they seem; Skim milk masquerades as cream.

#3
What, never? No never! What never? Well, hardly ever!

#4
I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.

#5
:in the first place, self decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to attempt; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicide is a capital offence.

#6
Pooh Bah: This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable to you, but it places us in a very awkward position.

#7
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock, In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock, Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock, From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

#8
(Koko is negotiating the terms by which he can behead Nanki-Poo in his place, and they involve letting the latter be married to his fiance until he is executed)

#9
I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist.

#10
Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.

#11
It's a bad old world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical productions.

#12
The idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this and every country but his own.

#13
The Law is the true embodiment Of everything that's excellent. It has no kind of fault or flaw, And I, my Lords, embody the Law.

#14
The House of Peers, thoughout the war Did nothing in particular And did it very well.

#15
She may very well pass for forty three In the dusk with the light behind her.

#16
Art stopped short at the cultivated court of the Empress Josephine.

#17
Yes, I am the Apostle of Simplicity. I am called Archibald the All-Right, for I am infallible.

#18
I know what love is. There was a happy time when I didn't, but bitter experience has taught me.

#19
I can tell a woman's age in half a minute -- and I do!

#20
...a Man, however well-behav'd, At best is only a monkey shav'd!

#21
When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody.

#22
Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells, I'm a dealer in magic and spells, In blessings and curses And ever-filled purses, In prophecies, witches, and knells. If you want a proud foe to 'make tracks'-- If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax-- You've but to look in On our resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!

#23
Either you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.

#24
Humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.

#25
I suppose he expected to see me kissing all the carpenters

#26
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have--and I think he is a dirty little beast.

#27
Take my daughters, most of whom are beauties

#28
Beautiful Mabel, I'd sing if I could but I am not able!

#29
(During the period after the debut of Ruddigore, which was far less successful at the box office than its predecessor The Mikado)

#30
I love my fellow creatures - I do all the good I can - yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist-- I don't think she'd be missed--I'm sure she'd not be missed!
There's a fascination frantic in a ruin that's romantic.
Is life a boon? If so, it must befall That Death, whene'er he call, Must call too soon.
every Jack He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
If I can wheedle A knife or a needle, Why not a Silver Churn?
The happiest hour a sailor sees Is when he's down At an inland town, With his Nancy on his knees, yo ho! And his arm around her waist!
For duty, duty must be done; The rule applies to everyone.
Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite your languid spleen, An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-too-French French bean!
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am: I'm a genuine philanthropist--all other kinds are sham. Each little fault of temper and each social defect In my erring fellow creatures, I endeavor to correct.
Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, If you listen to popular rumour; From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, And he bubbles with wit and good humour!
I often think it's comical How Nature always does contrive That every boy and every gal That's born into the world alive Is either a little Liberal Or else a little Conservative!
When every blessed thing you have is made of silver, or of gold, you long for simple pewter.
I am the very model of a modern Major-General, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical, From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.
After many unhappy experiments in the direction of an ideal Republic, it was found that what may be described as a Despotism tempered by Dynamite provides, on the whole, the most satisfactory description of ruler - an autocrat who dares not abuse his autocratic power.
If your master is surly, from getting up early (And tempers are short in the morning), An inopportune joke is enough to provoke Him to give you, at once, a month's warning.
Life's perhaps the only riddle That we shrink from giving up.
Life is a joke that's just begun.
If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack, You may get a bland smile from these sages; But should it, by chance, be imported from France, Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages!
Wherever valor true is found, true modesty will there abound.
Saturday afternoon, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes this railway by surprise.
In all the woes that curse our race there is a lady in the case.
He led his regiment from behind. He found it less exciting.
He did nothing in particular, and did it very well.