--- title: "Humor Quotes | QuotesBy.net" description: "Savor witty snapshots that blend absurdity with everyday irony, from playful self‑deprecation to sharp commentary on serious topics." image: "https://quotesby.net/wp-content/themes/quotesby-editorial/assets/og-default.png" --- ## Short humor quotes 1. > 'I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.' [Tom Waits](https://quotesby.net/Tom-Waits)[Tom Waits quote \#18](https://quotesby.net/Tom-Waits/18/ "Permalink to quote 18") 2. > Some subjects are so serious that one can only joke about them. [Werner Heisenberg](https://quotesby.net/Werner-Heisenberg)[Werner Heisenberg quote \#18](https://quotesby.net/Werner-Heisenberg/18/ "Permalink to quote 18") 3. > If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? [Abraham Lincoln](https://quotesby.net/Abraham-Lincoln)[Abraham Lincoln quote \#115](https://quotesby.net/Abraham-Lincoln/115/ "Permalink to quote 115") 4. > Laugh at what you hold sacred, and still hold it sacred. [Abraham Maslow](https://quotesby.net/Abraham-Maslow)[Abraham Maslow quote \#11](https://quotesby.net/Abraham-Maslow/11/ "Permalink to quote 11") 5. > I've been accused of every death except the casualty list of the World War. [Al Capone](https://quotesby.net/Al-Capone)[Al Capone quote \#4](https://quotesby.net/Al-Capone/4/ "Permalink to quote 4") 6. > I have also considered many scientific plans during my pushing you around in your pram! [Albert Einstein](https://quotesby.net/Albert-Einstein)[Albert Einstein quote \#4](https://quotesby.net/Albert-Einstein/4/ "Permalink to quote 4") 7. > What goes 0-300 in less than 2 seconds? Your mother on a scale. [Alex Trebek](https://quotesby.net/Alex-Trebek)[Alex Trebek quote \#2](https://quotesby.net/Alex-Trebek/2/ "Permalink to quote 2") 8. > I never think that people die. They just go to department stores. [Andy Warhol](https://quotesby.net/Andy-Warhol)[Andy Warhol quote \#26](https://quotesby.net/Andy-Warhol/26/ "Permalink to quote 26") ## More humor quotes 1. > When I was crossing into Gaza, I was asked at the checkpost whether I was carrying any weapons. I replied: Oh yes, my prayer books. [Agnes Gonxha (Mother Teresa) Bojaxhi](https://quotesby.net/Agnes-Gonxha-(Mother-Teresa)-Bojaxhi)[Agnes Gonxha (Mother Teresa) Bojaxhi quote \#27](https://quotesby.net/Agnes-Gonxha-(Mother-Teresa)-Bojaxhi/27/ "Permalink to quote 27") 2. > Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals. [Abraham Lincoln](https://quotesby.net/Abraham-Lincoln)[Abraham Lincoln quote \#49](https://quotesby.net/Abraham-Lincoln/49/ "Permalink to quote 49") 3. > I'm opposed to any sport that reduces the coefficient of friction between me and the ground. [Alan Kotok](https://quotesby.net/Alan-Kotok)[Alan Kotok quote \#1](https://quotesby.net/Alan-Kotok/1/ "Permalink to quote 1") 4. > Yes, there is a conspiracy, in fact there are a great number of conspiracies that are all tripping each other up. And all of those conspiracies are run by paranoid fantasists and ham-fisted clowns. If you are on a list targeted by the CIA, you really have nothing to worry about. If however, you have a name similar to somebody on a list targeted by the CIA, then you are dead. [Alan Moore](https://quotesby.net/Alan-Moore)[Alan Moore quote \#2](https://quotesby.net/Alan-Moore/2/ "Permalink to quote 2") 5. > Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. [Albert Einstein](https://quotesby.net/Albert-Einstein)[Albert Einstein quote \#223](https://quotesby.net/Albert-Einstein/223/ "Permalink to quote 223") 6. > Nobody and nothing beats The Simpsons. Even after all this time, it's still the best satire since Monty Python. [Alice Cooper](https://quotesby.net/Alice-Cooper)[Alice Cooper quote \#2](https://quotesby.net/Alice-Cooper/2/ "Permalink to quote 2") 7. > To me, if you are in the same building with Peter Sellers or John Cleese, or any of those guys and holding your own making other people laugh, that's a compliment. [Alice Cooper](https://quotesby.net/Alice-Cooper)[Alice Cooper quote \#16](https://quotesby.net/Alice-Cooper/16/ "Permalink to quote 16") 8. > Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt. [Alton Brown](https://quotesby.net/Alton-Brown)[Alton Brown quote \#31](https://quotesby.net/Alton-Brown/31/ "Permalink to quote 31") 9. > I think the best part of being gay is when you're done \[with sex\], you could turn over and talk about football. [Andrew Dice Clay](https://quotesby.net/Andrew-Dice-Clay)[Andrew Dice Clay quote \#11](https://quotesby.net/Andrew-Dice-Clay/11/ "Permalink to quote 11") 10. > Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible. [Andy Warhol](https://quotesby.net/Andy-Warhol)[Andy Warhol quote \#15](https://quotesby.net/Andy-Warhol/15/ "Permalink to quote 15") 11. > I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs. [Andy Warhol](https://quotesby.net/Andy-Warhol)[Andy Warhol quote \#19](https://quotesby.net/Andy-Warhol/19/ "Permalink to quote 19") 12. > I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet. [Angelina Jolie](https://quotesby.net/Angelina-Jolie)[Angelina Jolie quote \#21](https://quotesby.net/Angelina-Jolie/21/ "Permalink to quote 21") 13. > Wit is well-bred insolence. [Aristotle](https://quotesby.net/Aristotle)[Aristotle quote \#10](https://quotesby.net/Aristotle/10/ "Permalink to quote 10") 14. > Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit. [Aristotle](https://quotesby.net/Aristotle)[Aristotle quote \#101](https://quotesby.net/Aristotle/101/ "Permalink to quote 101") 15. > The gods too are fond of a joke. [Aristotle](https://quotesby.net/Aristotle)[Aristotle quote \#137](https://quotesby.net/Aristotle/137/ "Permalink to quote 137") 16. > The secret to humor is surprise. [Aristotle](https://quotesby.net/Aristotle)[Aristotle quote \#148](https://quotesby.net/Aristotle/148/ "Permalink to quote 148") 17. > Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. [Arthur Miller](https://quotesby.net/Arthur-Miller)[Arthur Miller quote \#51](https://quotesby.net/Arthur-Miller/51/ "Permalink to quote 51") 18. > If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#37](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/37/ "Permalink to quote 37") 19. > We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#46](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/46/ "Permalink to quote 46") 20. > I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located? [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#87](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/87/ "Permalink to quote 87") 21. > It can take a surprisingly long time to get from one part of my mind to another. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#112](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/112/ "Permalink to quote 112") 22. > Sooner or later, I'll be punctual. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#127](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/127/ "Permalink to quote 127") 23. > Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with some of the living. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#132](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/132/ "Permalink to quote 132") 24. > Do you believe in apathy at first sight? [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#134](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/134/ "Permalink to quote 134") 25. > Where would I be without my sense of direction. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#149](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/149/ "Permalink to quote 149") 26. > The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#187](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/187/ "Permalink to quote 187") 27. > They laughed at Edison and Einstein, but somehow I still feel uncomfortable when they laugh at me. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#188](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/188/ "Permalink to quote 188") 28. > What I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#190](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/190/ "Permalink to quote 190") 29. > There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#191](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/191/ "Permalink to quote 191") 30. > Life is too important to be taken as a joke, but too ridiculous to be taken seriously. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#205](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/205/ "Permalink to quote 205") 31. > All I ask of Life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#219](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/219/ "Permalink to quote 219") 32. > I like who I am, and am puzzled to find that not everybody shares this opinion. [Ashleigh Brilliant](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant)[Ashleigh Brilliant quote \#220](https://quotesby.net/Ashleigh-Brilliant/220/ "Permalink to quote 220") 33. > King George VI of the United Kingdom: 'How many men have you killed in war, General Patton?' Patton: 'Seven, sir.'. Eisenhower: 'How many did you say, General Patton?' Patton: 'Three, sir.' Eisenhower: 'Ok, George, we'll let you get away with that.' [George S. Patton](https://quotesby.net/George-S.-Patton)[George S. Patton quote \#66](https://quotesby.net/George-S.-Patton/66/ "Permalink to quote 66") 34. > Obviously, it's a great privilege and pleasure to be here at the Yale Law School Sesquicentennial Convocation. And I defy anyone to say that and chew gum at the same time. [Gerald Ford](https://quotesby.net/Gerald-Ford)[Gerald Ford quote \#18](https://quotesby.net/Gerald-Ford/18/ "Permalink to quote 18") 35. > I was America's first instant Vice President, and now America's first instant President. The Marine Corps band is so confused, they don't know whether to play 'Hail to the Chief' or 'You've Come a Long Way, Baby'. [Gerald Ford](https://quotesby.net/Gerald-Ford)[Gerald Ford quote \#69](https://quotesby.net/Gerald-Ford/69/ "Permalink to quote 69") 36. > Perhaps his laughter saved them - it must be difficult to shoot a laughing man: you have to feel important to kill. [Graham Greene](https://quotesby.net/Graham-Greene)[Graham Greene quote \#19](https://quotesby.net/Graham-Greene/19/ "Permalink to quote 19") 37. > We mustn't complain too much of being comedians-it's an honourable profession. If only we could be good ones the world might gain at least a sense of style. We have failed-that's all. We are bad comedians, we aren't bad men. [Graham Greene](https://quotesby.net/Graham-Greene)[Graham Greene quote \#53](https://quotesby.net/Graham-Greene/53/ "Permalink to quote 53") 38. > I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate. [Graham Greene](https://quotesby.net/Graham-Greene)[Graham Greene quote \#57](https://quotesby.net/Graham-Greene/57/ "Permalink to quote 57") 39. > When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay! [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#1](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/1/ "Permalink to quote 1") 40. > If I held you any closer I'd be in back of you. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#2](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/2/ "Permalink to quote 2") 41. > A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#3](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/3/ "Permalink to quote 3") 42. > Mr. Grover \[Doing an informal job interview\]: What experience have you had at a department store? Wolf J. Flywheel (Groucho): I was a shoplifter for three years. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#4](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/4/ "Permalink to quote 4") 43. > A likely story - and probably true. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#5](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/5/ "Permalink to quote 5") 44. > Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#6](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/6/ "Permalink to quote 6") 45. > Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet! [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#10](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/10/ "Permalink to quote 10") 46. > From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#11](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/11/ "Permalink to quote 11") 47. > I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#12](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/12/ "Permalink to quote 12") 48. > They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#13](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/13/ "Permalink to quote 13") 49. > I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience, that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St.Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as 'The Tail Of Two Cities.' I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#15](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/15/ "Permalink to quote 15") 50. > I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#17](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/17/ "Permalink to quote 17") 51. > Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do! [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#21](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/21/ "Permalink to quote 21") 52. > Hello, Cocoanut Arms. Yes, we have a dining room. If it's fish, we have it. If it's meat, we have it. If it's fowl, we've had it too long. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#24](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/24/ "Permalink to quote 24") 53. > Ice water? Eat an onion, that'll make your eyes water! [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#25](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/25/ "Permalink to quote 25") 54. > Be free my friends. One for all and all for me, and me for you, and three for five, and six for a quarter. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#26](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/26/ "Permalink to quote 26") 55. > Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#27](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/27/ "Permalink to quote 27") 56. > Believe me, you've got to get up pretty early in the morning if you want to get out of bed. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#28](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/28/ "Permalink to quote 28") 57. > Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#29](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/29/ "Permalink to quote 29") 58. > There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire! [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#30](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/30/ "Permalink to quote 30") 59. > You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#31](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/31/ "Permalink to quote 31") 60. > You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#32](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/32/ "Permalink to quote 32") 61. > I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#35](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/35/ "Permalink to quote 35") 62. > Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you? [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#36](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/36/ "Permalink to quote 36") 63. > Groucho: Would you mind getting up off of that fly paper and giving the flies a chance? Chico: Flies can't read papers. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#37](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/37/ "Permalink to quote 37") 64. > As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce - and so will my wife. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#38](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/38/ "Permalink to quote 38") 65. > It's nice to have seen you, and I've got nobody to blame but myself. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#40](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/40/ "Permalink to quote 40") 66. > I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#42](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/42/ "Permalink to quote 42") 67. > Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#43](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/43/ "Permalink to quote 43") 68. > Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#44](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/44/ "Permalink to quote 44") 69. > Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#45](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/45/ "Permalink to quote 45") 70. > Go, and never darken my towels again. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#46](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/46/ "Permalink to quote 46") 71. > I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#47](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/47/ "Permalink to quote 47") 72. > \[regarding Mrs. Teasdale's late husband\] Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#48](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/48/ "Permalink to quote 48") 73. > \[To Mrs. Claypool\] That woman? You know why I was with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, that's why I'm sitting here with you - because you remind me of you! [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#49](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/49/ "Permalink to quote 49") 74. > (while taking another character's pulse) Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#50](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/50/ "Permalink to quote 50") 75. > Hey, don't drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce! [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#51](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/51/ "Permalink to quote 51") 76. > Send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#53](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/53/ "Permalink to quote 53") 77. > Emily, I have a confession to make: I really am a horse doctor; but marry me and I'll never look at any other horse. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#54](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/54/ "Permalink to quote 54") 78. > I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#55](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/55/ "Permalink to quote 55") 79. > A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#58](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/58/ "Permalink to quote 58") 80. > An apprentice mortician? What, do you only bury live people? [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#60](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/60/ "Permalink to quote 60") 81. > Because we were a kid act, we traveled at half-fare, despite the fact that we were all around twenty. Minnie insisted we were thirteen. 'That kid of yours is in the dining car smoking a cigar,' the conductor told her. 'And another one is in the washroom shaving.' Minnie shook her head sadly. 'They grow so fast.' [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#61](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/61/ "Permalink to quote 61") 82. > Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#64](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/64/ "Permalink to quote 64") 83. > I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#68](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/68/ "Permalink to quote 68") 84. > I drink to make other people interesting. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#70](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/70/ "Permalink to quote 70") 85. > I intend to live forever, or die trying. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#73](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/73/ "Permalink to quote 73") 86. > I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#74](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/74/ "Permalink to quote 74") 87. > I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#75](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/75/ "Permalink to quote 75") 88. > I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#76](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/76/ "Permalink to quote 76") 89. > I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#77](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/77/ "Permalink to quote 77") 90. > I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#78](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/78/ "Permalink to quote 78") 91. > If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#81](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/81/ "Permalink to quote 81") 92. > If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. [Groucho Marx](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx)[Groucho Marx quote \#82](https://quotesby.net/Groucho-Marx/82/ "Permalink to quote 82") ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://quotesby.net/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Topics", "item": "https://quotesby.net/topics/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Humor", "item": "https://quotesby.net/topics/humor/" } ] } { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "CollectionPage", "name": "Humor Quotes", "url": "https://quotesby.net/topics/humor/", "about": { "@type": "Thing", "name": "Humor" }, "hasPart": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When I was crossing into Gaza, I was asked at the checkpost whether I was carrying any weapons. I replied: Oh yes, my prayer books.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Agnes-Gonxha-(Mother-Teresa)-Bojaxhi/27/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Agnes Gonxha (Mother Teresa) Bojaxhi" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "'I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.'", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Tom-Waits/18/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Tom Waits" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Some subjects are so serious that one can only joke about them.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Werner-Heisenberg/18/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Werner Heisenberg" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Abraham-Lincoln/49/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Abraham Lincoln" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Abraham-Lincoln/115/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Abraham Lincoln" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Laugh at what you hold sacred, and still hold it sacred.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Abraham-Maslow/11/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Abraham Maslow" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I've been accused of every death except the casualty list of the World War.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Al-Capone/4/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Al Capone" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm opposed to any sport that reduces the coefficient of friction between me and the ground.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Alan-Kotok/1/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Alan Kotok" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Yes, there is a conspiracy, in fact there are a great number of conspiracies that are all tripping each other up. And all of those conspiracies are run by paranoid fantasists and ham-fisted clowns. If you are on a list targeted by the CIA, you really have nothing to worry about. If however, you have a name similar to somebody on a list targeted by the CIA, then you are dead.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Alan-Moore/2/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Alan Moore" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I have also considered many scientific plans during my pushing you around in your pram!", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Albert-Einstein/4/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Albert Einstein" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Albert-Einstein/223/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Albert Einstein" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "What goes 0-300 in less than 2 seconds? Your mother on a scale.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Alex-Trebek/2/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Alex Trebek" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Nobody and nothing beats The Simpsons. Even after all this time, it's still the best satire since Monty Python.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Alice-Cooper/2/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Alice Cooper" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "To me, if you are in the same building with Peter Sellers or John Cleese, or any of those guys and holding your own making other people laugh, that's a compliment.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Alice-Cooper/16/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Alice Cooper" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Alton-Brown/31/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Alton Brown" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Andrew-Dice-Clay/11/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Andrew Dice Clay" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Andy-Warhol/15/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Andy Warhol" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Andy-Warhol/19/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Andy Warhol" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I never think that people die. They just go to department stores.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Andy-Warhol/26/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Andy Warhol" } }, { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.", "url": "https://quotesby.net/Angelina-Jolie/21/", "spokenByCharacter": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Angelina Jolie" } } ] } ```