Adam Carolla Quotes

Adam Carolla serves up blunt, funny takes on humor, behavior and faith that will make you laugh and think.

31 quotes

1. At 13 you whack off 19 times a day anyway. Imagine being on a Viagra and like a liter of Mountain Dew and home alone with the VCR on a snow day from school. His mom would come home from work and open the front door and a big avalanche of semen would come out and wash her down the street.

2. I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

3. I'd show up at raves at like 3 in the morning and just be like garbage man. I'd be straight as an arrow and everyone else would be passed out, and I'd scrape up what was left and have sex with it.

4. My brain and ass should be in the Smithsonian after I die, or even before I die.

5. I spoke to my dad and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me, but that was me and my sister and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

6. The greatest part about Playboy is the playmates' turn-ons and turn-offs. The turn-offs are always stuff like 'mean guys,' or maybe 'smokers.' But the turn-ons are always vague. They don't come right out and say 'nine-inch penis,' 'Bentley,' and 'owns a hotel or two.' Instead, they say stuff like 'good sense of humor' or 'likes music and walks on the beach.' Meanwhile, some guy who works on a loading dock thinks, 'I like the beach, I'm funny, and I love that music! We were made for each other!' Then he renews his subscription.

7. The only chance we have for survival, as a country and as a planet, is if idiots stop having kids. Listen: either don't screw up your kids, or don't have any! It's a lot like owning a horse: If you can't keep it in a stall, feed it some hay, and brush it down once in a while, then don't have one! Do you see what I mean? Just don't have one and let it rot in the yard!

8. When I'm at the porn store--I'm not there all the time, maybe about five hours a day--I'm walking through the sections, making my way, making my way--and then I get to the gay section. And it always takes a second to process, because it all just looks like a ball of flesh, and everything's kind of shiny, you know? So I'm like, 'Huh? Hey, that chick's got a mustache...Awwww!'

9. I believe that at least 65-80% of auto glass breakage is caused from domestic disputes. Your car is like a piece of you that you leave out in your driveway unguarded. It's almost like you left one of your ass cheeks out in your driveway for someone to kick, spit on, urinate on, or break while you were somewhere else. In every young-person breakup dispute, the car always suffers the most.

10. I can understand stupid guys not understanding politics, but the penis? That is just a base piece of knowledge that every man should have. I don't give a crap if you don't know what's going on with the ozone, or the Clinton administration, or the Asian economy, but you gotta know the difference between the head of your penis and the foreskin of your penis. You just should!

11. Here's the problem with TV. All people on TV are TV people, and TV people are dumber than the dumbest guys you went to high school with, they just dress better.

12. I question not only those who are getting their penis pierced, but also those who are doing the piercing. I mean, this is what you're doing for a living? God, your parents have to be pissed.'

13. The only logical, sort of scientific way to figure this out is: you've got to put the bible down on a coffee table, and then you have to put a pair of soiled panties down on the same coffee table on the other side, adjacent to the bible. Then you take your vibrator (or dildo) and you spin it around. Now, God will control the outcome of this experiment. If there is a God, he will make sure that the dildo points towards the bible, in which case you must stop masturbating, and simply destroy the dildo. This is just good science.

14. When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

15. Good friendship is like an outdoor cat. Just hangin' out. It can take care of itself. It can be gone for a couple of days, it'll come back, no big deal. . . Once in a while it'll get eaten by a coyote.

16. From Penn Jillette's 09-Mar-2006 radio show:

17. Loveline rant August 2002 from Celebrity Atheists website:

18. I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

19. I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I dont think there is no God; I know theres no God. I know theres no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know theres no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just wont admit it because theres another thing they know. They know theyre going to die and it freaks them out. So most people dont have the courage to admit theres no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

20. I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

21. I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life...so, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

22. I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

23. I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

24. I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

25. People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

26. The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

27. I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

28. You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

29. I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

30. The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

31. Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?