Bob Hope Quotes

Bob Hope offers funny, blunt quips about humor, sports and family that will make you smile.

42 quotes

1. As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

2. Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

3. I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

4. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

5. I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.

6. I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money.

7. I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

8. I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe.

9. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

10. My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

11. People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

12. When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

13. You mean like Democrats?

14. Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

15. I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.

16. Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.

17. Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.

18. That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.

19. Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

20. She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

21. I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

22. In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.

23. Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

24. Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.

25. Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes. The only troulbe is that when I win, I always have to engage and attorney before I can draw the money.

26. I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

27. You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.

28. Milton Hope led the singing of Happy Birthday ... He would say, 'Keep it sweet and short and don't try to be funny.'

29. Television. That's where movies go when they die.

30. Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

31. I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.

32. I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

33. A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

34. We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

35. I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

36. I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

37. Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

38. Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless.

39. And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost.

40. Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

41. My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.

42. Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.