David Letterman Quotes

David Letterman offers sharp, sarcastic jokes about politics, work, and media.

80 quotes

1. Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

2. What is this, Vassar?!

3. In My Pants!

4. I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

5. On National Security Agency's eavesdropping program: Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

6. Are you cooking beans? What time is it? Is Zorro on?

7. CBS, we're not even trying.

8. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.

9. Do I think there is a heaven? Uhhh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.

10. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

11. For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

12. George Bush: WHAT?...WHAT?...WHAT?

13. Hang on to your wigs and keys.

14. Hello. I'm David Letterman and I'm not wearing any pants.

15. Hey, uh...ya got any gum? (Norm MacDonald playing Letterman on SNL)

16. I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host?

17. I need 4 hot dogs with everything, one plain.

18. I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock.

19. I'm not paranoid. I'm not a dope. I'm not like a lot of these... paranoid dopes.

20. I'm not the kind of man that likes to blow his own horn, although if I could I would.

21. It's cold enough to hang meat in here!

22. New York, New York. The town so nice they named it twice.

23. Now playing in selected cities-and I pray to God your city is selected.

24. On the drums, Juan Manuel Fandango!

25. President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

26. President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

27. Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

28. There is no Chinese word for 'Fun Fur'.

29. There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

30. This is Stupid Pet Tricks... and remember this is an exhibition not a competition so please, no wagering.

31. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

32. US forces think they know the location of Saddam Hussein's sons...Uday, Qusay and Gary.

33. Wash it. Gas it. Give me the keys.

34. We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is, Iraq is ours, and the bad news is, Iraq is ours.

35. We're the only thing on CBS right now.

36. Where the hell are the singin' Cats?

37. (Before Green Day was about to play) Their drummer is a very troubled young man, watch him.

38. Will you be there when the big door swings open?

39. Would you like a slurpee?

40. Wouldn't it be nice if you download what your car alarm sounds, like a ring-tone?

41. You Damn Kids! Get out of my yard!

42. You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

43. (Before Green Day) Whenever our next guests are on the show, we hope and pray that they don't break anything.

44. (talking to the drummer of Green Day after he jumped off the drum platform and landed on the floor] Oh my god wow, are you gonna be ok son?

45. Letterman, after the singer brands him a 'sick fuck': 'You realize this is being broadcast don't you?'

46. Madonna: 'Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don't want to talk about my sex life when I'm on your show?!'

47. Letterman: 'I want to thank you folks for coming out for this run-through show. Thank you very much. This, of course, will never see the light of day. You won't miss a thing tonight.'

48. Letterman: 'Oh, stop it! Will you stop? Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume. Turn down the volume immediately! She can't be stopped! There's something wrong with her!'

49. Letterman, during the next show's monologue: 'Do you know what I've realized? I think Madonna likes to shock people.'

50. Madonna: 'You're not funny anymore, you're just a suck-up to all the guests.' Letterman: 'I can suspend that behavior tonight, if you like.'

51. I don't think there's a man, woman or child alive who doesn't enjoy a lovely beverage.

52. I just love autumn in New York - watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

53. It's tax time once again, and the hookers in Times Square - god bless 'em - they're getting into the act. For an extra $50, they'll handle your extension.

54. It's the Chinese 'Year of the Pig' - I'm still writing 'Year of the Monkey' on all my checks.

55. Pleased to meet you...meat to please you.

56. That's the sound of commercials hitting the floor.

57. There is no 'off' position on the genius switch.

58. PlayStation 3 was released today, at least there's some good news for George Bush.

59. Kalter: Hi, I'm Alan Kalter, TV's Uncle Jerry.

60. It was so hot today that Larry King was seen only wearing suspenders. Wonder what he was holding up.

61. You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester.

62. It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

63. There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.

64. I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.

65. Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.

66. We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

67. I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

68. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

69. If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

70. Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it?

71. Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

72. Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman.

73. It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.

74. They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

75. At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

76. Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.

77. While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.

78. Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'

79. I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.

80. New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.