Dorothy Parker Quotes

Dorothy Parker delivers witty, ironic takes on life and criticism, a fun read for those who love humor and sharp observations.

68 quotes

1. Excuse my dust.

2. And she had It. It, hell; she had Those.

3. Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart.

4. Well, Aimee Semple McPherson has written a book. And were you to call it a little peach, you would not be so much as scratching its surface. It is the story of her life, and it is called In the Service of the King, which title is perhaps a bit dangerously suggestive of a romantic novel. It may be that this autobiography is set down in sincerity, frankness and simple effort. It may be, too, that the Statue of Liberty is situated in Lake Ontario.

5. It is that word 'hummy,' my darlings, that marks the first place in The House at Pooh Corner at which Tonstant Weader fwowed up.

6. That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

7. The House Beautiful is, for me, the play lousy.

8. [A] lady ... with all the poise of the Sphinx though but little of her mystery.

9. Drink and dance and laugh and lie, Love, the reeling midnight through, For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.)

10. [On the most beautiful words in the English language] The ones I like...are 'cheque' and 'enclosed.'

11. And I'll stay away from Verlaine too; he was always chasing Rimbauds.

12. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things.

13. I'm never going to accomplish anything; that's perfectly clear to me. I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.

14. One more drink and I'd have been under the host.

15. There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.

16. It's not the tragedies that kill us; it's the messes.

17. [On being told of Calvin Coolidge's death] How do they know?

18. There is no such hour on the present clock as 6:30, New York time. Yet, as only New Yorkers know, if you can get through the twilight, you'll live through the night.

19. This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

20. You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.

21. [On her abortion] It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

22. You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

23. The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

24. That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say No in any of them.

25. And there was that wholesale libel on a Yale prom. If all the girls attending it were laid end to end, Mrs Parker said, she wouldn't be at all surprised.

26. Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

27. Katharine Hepburn delivered a striking performance that ran the gamut of emotions, from A to B.

28. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

29. Dear Mary, We all knew you had it in you!

30. Excuse me, I have to go to the ladies room. Actually, I need to make a telephone call, I was just too embarrassed to say.

31. I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen.

32. I wish I could drink like a lady, I'll have one or two at the most. Three and I'm under the table, Four and I'm under the host.

33. I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa.

34. She must have done it sliding down a barrister.

35. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of their tires.

36. The poor son-of-a-bitch!

37. This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

38. Time doth flit; oh shit.

39. What fresh hell is this?

40. Not Much Fun.

41. Tallulah Bankhead: 'Why, it's as easy as ducking for apples.' Dorothy Parker: 'Hah, change one letter in that sentence and you've got the story of my life.'

42. Gee Moss, imagine what God could do if he had your money

43. When she and Clare Boothe Luce were entering a room, Clare hung back, saying, 'Age before beauty'; Dorothy entered saying 'Pearls before swine.'

44. If you want to know what the Lord God thinks of money, just look at those to whom he gives it.

45. Upon my honor I saw a Madonna Standing in a niche Over the door Of the prominent whore Of a prominent son of a bitch.

46. How odd Of God To choose The Jews

47. She is a combination of Little Nell and Lady Macbeth.

48. Everything I've ever said will be credited to Dorothy Parker.

49. Sometimes I think Ill give up trying, and just go completely Russian and sit on a stove and moan all day.

50. Sometimes I think I'll give up trying, and just go completely Russian and sit on a stove and moan all day.

51. “There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.”

52. There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle - Would you kindly direct me to hell?

53. Writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat.

54. Hollywood is the one place on earth where you could die of encouragement.

55. I was always sweet, at first. Oh, it's so easy to be sweet to people before you love them.

56. Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.

57. Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, can be prolonged to the point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only irritation.

58. Enjoyed it! One more drink and I'd have been under the host.

59. This living, this living, this living Was never a project of mine.

60. Flowers are heaven's masterpiece.

61. It costs me never a stab nor squirm / To tread by chance upon a worm. / Aha, my little dear, / I say, Your clan will pay me back one day.

62. I misremember who first was cruel enough to nurture the cocktail party into life. But perhaps it would be not too much to say, in fact it would be not enough to say, that it was not worth the trouble.

63. Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch is, and it darts away.

64. I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here. He's so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you.

65. I can't talk about Hollywood. It was a horror to me when I was there and it's a horror to look back on. I can't imagine how I did it. When I got away from it I couldn't even refer to the place by name. ''Out there,'' I called it.

66. Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

67. I was the toast of two continents: Greenland and Australia.

68. Prince or commoner, tenor or bass, Painter or plumber or never-do-well, Do me a favor and shut your face - Poets alone should kiss and tell.