Dylan Moran Quotes

Dylan Moran serves up a funny, chaotic mix of life's pressures and absurd jokes, great for readers who enjoy off-beat humor.

65 quotes

1. It's not easy being a man! Oh no..I had to get dressed today... and there are other pressures.

2. Don't clap, I'm not a fucking jazz band.

3. It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

4. What else are you supposed to give hookers in hotel rooms? 'Yoghurt, anybody? I made some yoghurt this morning, would you like some? It's got Granola and everything. You sure? Go on, have a bit.'

5. Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you say 'Why are we drinking this? This is nothing, it has no smell, no taste! Why are we- W-why are we on a traffic island?'

6. It turns you into two people: one of you's very nice, you'll go up to complete strangers and say, 'Come in, come in, sit down, for God's sake, have something. Have my bed.' And then you'll go up to people you've known and loved all your life and say, 'Get the fuck out of my house. Go on, get out! And leave a tip!'

7. The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. 'Nobody likes my shoes! I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'' And my favourite: 'Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me.'

8. I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

9. What's going on? What do we do now? 'DONT FUCK ANYONE; YOU'LL DIE! Never mind, here comes MC Hammer.'

10. I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

11. 'I got my pecs, I got limos, I got bitches, and all my limo's powered by bitch juice, and my spare pecs are in the limo.'

12. 'I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm gonna dig up your dad, and shove him up your mum and drink your blood from a drinking cup, you fuck!'

13. Then this song came on, I will never forget it, it was called 'The Funk Soul Brother' and I will always remember that because it was also all of the lyrics and er, it was that school of song writting you know very easy on the words in case they get wasted, I don't know what...theres a shortage and...it sounded like a million fire engines chasing ten million ambulances through a war zone and was played at a volume that made the empty chair beside me bleed. And it went, erm, 'Funk soul brother... right about now... yeah... it's the, it's the funk soul brother... check it out. It's, er, well... it's the funk soul brother, essentially. He's, er he's coming. He's coming at you. It's the, well... it's the funk soul brother.' And after a while, I began to penetrate the meaning of this song, you know? I gathered that somebody was about to arrive, and everybody else was terribly excited. Maybe he was bringing cake or something, they didn't say. But the thing was, you see, he wasn't there yet. Haha, that was the hook. I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know? Or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls.

14. 'Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!'

15. Chocolate bread! That's how they start the day. It's only going to escalate from there. By lunchtime you're fucking everybody you know. I was in Paris recently - they are very good at pleasure. I was walking by a bakery - a boulangerie, which is fun to go into and to say, even - and I went in, a childish desire to get a cake - 'Give me one of those chocolate guys,' I said - and I was talking to someone on the street, took a bite... I had to tell them to go away! This thing! I wanted to book a room with it. 'Where are you from, what kind of music are you into? Come on!' Proper, serious pleasure. Because they know they're gonna die. Nobody goes to church. You think, we're gonna die, make a fucking nice cake.

16. 'Well, you know what they say about John, anyway?' 'Well, no I don't. Wh- what do they say?' 'Well, you know, apparently he's, uh, he's, you know, he's [cocks leg]. Oh yeah.' 'I'm sorry, what are talking about?' 'You know, if I have to spell it out, apparently he's, you know, still picking up twigs in the springtime. Oh yes, one of Yul Brunner's hairdressers. Likes his toast done on three sides, yes.' What are you talking about?

17. 'Death Before Dishonour' I always used to wonder 'Hey, exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here?' 'Cause I could handle quite a lot. I would, for instance, fellate a Smurf before I picked death. I'd cook him a little Smurf omelette as I was doing it, you know, I'd be perfectly happy doing that. Seasoning it with thyme, you know, listening to his happy satisfied Smurf lip smacks. But every man thinks about Smurfs. They don't say it, but they do. That's why I'm here, to be honest. Just once, you know, what would it be like? Nobody needs to know, you go away for the weekend. Just once, to have the blue salty bulb lolling on your tongue ... if I don't say it, nobody else will.'

18. And they say that after people make love there's a kind of melancholia that descends; la petite mort, you know, the little death. Well, I'm here to tell you, after a romantic night in with yourself, there's a very acute sensation of failed suicide.

19. This stage, if it hasn't already, probably will see a production of the Vagina Monologues. Which I cannot wait to see, because it sounds so fabulously fucking stupid. Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.

20. I don't want to make any huge generalisations about women, I'm not here to do that, it's- it's vulgar. But all I'll say is that they have no feelings. Because it's actually men, you'll find, who are the far more romantic. Men are the people you will hear say, 'I've found somebody. She's amazing. If I don't get to be with this person, I'm fucked. I can't carry on, no I mean it, she's totally transformed my life. I have a job, I have a flat, it means nothing. I can't stand it, I have to be with her. Because if I don't, I going to end up in some bedsit, I'll be alcoholic, I'll have itchy trousers. I can't- I can't walk the streets any more.' That, is how women feel about shoes.

21. I got bored of the tedious conversations, talking to the dealer in a stairwell where you're not supposed to be, then going back to a depressing room and spending nine hours locked up going 'eeerh', then going back to get more with what little money you have left

22. It's a totally inhospitable place, you shouldn't be here, the sun, you live about three quarters of a mile from it, I've seen insects walking around with kneepads, you fling yourselves into the sea when you're not actually walking around audibly crackling in the heat and the sea is full of things designed exclusively to kill you, sharks, jellyfish, swimming knives, they're all there. But yet you persist in living here. So you know, its a jail, you live in, it's lovely, you've done wonderful things with it, but you're all still in denial

23. There's just something about Germans; You can listen to a nice, young, affable German fellow and he'll be saying things like' Vell Ja, dis is a critical time for Germany now, economically we are good, but ve have been better. Ve are investing a lot in ze arts, and emerging globally....' and you'll be there listening, thinking 'Mmm, Yeah, mmm... Hitler... mm yeah, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler...

24. German food is so bad, even Hitler was a vegetarian. 'Would you like some more shtrudleghraf on your shamlw?' How appetising does that sound?

25. It sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil, being kicked down some stairs.

26. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. There's a perfectly ordinary English sentence. How did that happen!? Do you know how that happened? Cause I'll tell you. Do you know how he got into that position; he got there by lifting things. Now, you and me, we avoid lifting things. It's unpleasant, especially heavy things. Even a five year old child knows this. He'll go 'No haha, fuck it no, I'll go and stick Lego up my arse, I'm not doing that, no no'. He took a different approach. He lifted the heavy ... and you know, you lift something if you have to. Piano falls on granny, you lift the piano: 'cause granny has mixed feelings about the whole situation. Sunday lunch continues. He didn't do any of that. He went over to the heavy thing, and lifted it, and put it back down and didn't move it anywhere ... and then he did it again, hundreds of times, and he said to people who stopped to observe this aberrant behaviour, 'Look how good I am ... at lifting the heavy thing, in my underpants.' Now that may seem a little dim. But it was they, who said 'You're the man. You're the one we want to deal with immigration, and water rates, and taxes, and all that kinda shit. But wait, what we need to know is how bad was his predecessor at that job? This must've been someone who came to work covered in children's blood every morning.

27. The candlelight dances off her mahogany coloured skin as she un-robes - AND THEN THE CAGE COMES DOWN!

28. 'Your nose hair... which is grey... is in my eye'

29. The meaning of the word 'gay' has changed. it used to mean all colourful and happy and homosexual but now it's a word children use to describe something that's a little bit 'meh'. 'You're eating Weetabix, oh that's so gay'

30. When you say to a child 'Bedtime, it's bedtime now' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now'

31. You, you and you, fuck off, we're having tiffin.

32. It's a fantastic religion, it makes absolutely no demands upon you at all. That's why it's not a great religion, all great religions are built on shame. You don't have any of that if you're Protestant. You go to church, sing a few hymns, have a cup of tea, everybody goes home and has a wank.

33. I'm quite a compulsive person - I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

34. Fruit...it's just God showing off. Look at all the colors i know.

35. I WOULD STAB YOU TO DEATH... BUT I CAN'T AFFORD TO TAKE THE 2 WEEKS OFF WORK!

36. 'Hi, how are you today? I'm Tony, I'm going to be your server. I've got some very exciting specials to tell you folks about right here. We've got our deep-pan re-re-fried chocolate ice cream pizza, which comes with a complimentary pacemaker. If you're watching your weight you might want to try our NoHo Protein Salad, absolutely delicious. Philippe, our maitre d', will dig out some photographs of you looking kind of tubby, you know, on the Internet, and then we all kind of point and laugh at you and just sort of rub a single chickpea on your lip until you cry. Would you like some water?'

37. Dont clap Im not a jazz band for Christs sake.

38. I don't watch a whole lot of stand up. Mainly I prefer to read writers; they make me laugh the most. Something gets you when you're alone and someone's voice is coming through their work. There's a different quality to it that stays with you a bit more.

39. I dont watch a whole lot of stand up. Mainly I prefer to read writers; they make me laugh the most. Something gets you when youre alone and someones voice is coming through their work. Theres a different quality to it that stays with you a bit more.

40. Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

41. America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.

42. [Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

43. Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

44. If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. I have a decent following in Australia so I like there. I'm interested in playing everywhere.

45. I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof is raised yeah, it's a similar feeling, sure.

46. Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! Fry her!! Fry her!"

47. The sensible thing for everyone to do would be to write all their op-eds and think pieces now so they're ready the day after the election when [Donald] Trump is no longer in the picture. God, I can't wait for that. I hope he just goes away.

48. I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I'm not expecting it.

49. I think I still get something from the original broadcaster but I'm certainly not aware of any Netflix van driving to my house and unloading a load of cash into my front yard.

50. People do need a social license to go, "Ha ha ha," and have a good time. It's a strange thing. There's a lot of social ritual around comedy and laughter. It's a bonding experience for groups, but nobody can tell you much about how funny somebody is. Sometimes people just need to be in a group and be laughing together, just like they need to be in a group in watching some really terrifying film.

51. I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!

52. Stand-up came naturally to me because people in Ireland talk. But that's not talking on panel shows; it is structured fun. It reminds me of some tragic aunt clapping her hands and bouncing into a room and announcing we should all play games... and if we don't we are all a rotten spoilsport.

53. So here are some foolproof recipes for those of you who understand the true function of food. Bean Treat: Gingerly pour four fluid oz of beans or something into a jug. Cry. Eat the beans from the jug and pour the rest from the can down your throat. N.B. These taste better if they belong to somebody else in your house. Pain au Dunk: Fists of bread, rent from the loaf and dunked into anything runnier than bread. Should eat at least six of these because…you should. Don’t toast the bread. Toast is cookery.

54. You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.

55. [Washington] is the political capital. It's essentially a big office.

56. I don't want to do panel games or adverts. I really like challenges. I always get roles as an art teacher or a photographer. In the future I want to play something like a mugger/assassin/pastry chef.

57. I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out independent decision-making, what to trust, what not to trust; key stuff - a perilous loss.

58. What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

59. I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

60. I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

61. I'll have to look into [Washington] D.C. a bit more. I know it's given over to the administration and the bureaucracy connected to it. It's a super-organism of the American state. But there's also a parallel city in there where normal people live.

62. Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world.

63. There's always a host of voices you're inspired by. I love Don DeLillo, and I love Isaac Bashevis Singer, and I love Beckett, and I love Pinter. He's one of the funniest voices in English literature since Dickens.

64. I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

65. I don't go around thinking of myself as a great anything.