60 Emo Philips Quotes

Emo Philips quotes

1. Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

2. How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

   Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

3. I caught my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed. I said: 'Get off me, you two!'

4. I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: 'Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?' And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

5. New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, 'I'd like a card.' He says, 'You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.' So I stabbed him.

6. People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

7. When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, 'Emo, don't go near the cellar door!' One day when they were away, I went to the door and opened it... and I saw birds and trees...

8. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me!

9. When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

10. You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

11. You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

12. Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

13. I ran three miles today... finally I said, 'Lady, take your purse.'

14. People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

15. The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, 'If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.'

16. Well, my brother says 'hello'! So, hooray for speech therapy.

17. Ambiguity - the Devil's volleyball.

18. I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

19. I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

20. My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

21. I love going to the park, watching the kids running around, yelling...they don't know I'm using blanks!

22. I was in the park the other day with my nephew. He got on one of the swings and went 'Come on, Uncle Emo! Give me a big push!' So I went over and pushed him with all of my might. But he said 'No, Uncle Emo! I want a big push!' So I went back about 10 feet, ran to him as fast as I could, and pushed him with all of my might. And he still goes 'No, Uncle Emo! I want a really big push!' So I went back 50 feet, ran to him as fast as I could, and pushed him with all of my might! And my nephew still goes 'NO, Uncle Emo! I wanna really, really BIG push!' So I backed up my Chevy...

23. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

24. A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

25. At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

26. Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, 'Why limit yourselves?'

27. I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

28. I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, 'I don't know... reelection to the Senate?' (a reference to the Chappaquiddick incident)

29. I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.

30. I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos HATE that.

31. I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

32. If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

33. One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault... I should have heard them hiding.

34. One day my father asked me, 'Do you love the Lord?' I said, 'Yes.' He said, 'Then stand up and shout, 'Hallelujah!'' So I did, and I fell off the roller coaster.

35. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

36. The guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in Morse code.

37. When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

38. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race or nationality or creed... when there're so many real reasons to hate others?

39. You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

40. You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

1. I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

2. Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

3. I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

4. He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

5. The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

6. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

7. I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

8. I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

9. If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

10. Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.

11. I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

12. If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.

13. Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

14. I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

15. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

16. I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

17. Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

18. Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.

19. People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

20. Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.