30 Fred Allen Quotes

Fred Allen quotes

1. I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

2. The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

3. What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

4. California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

5. Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

6. You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

7. I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

8. When I was a boy, I said, 'Daddy, take me to the zoo.' My father said, 'Son, when the zoo wants you, they'll come and get you'.

9. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

10. Advertising is 85 percent confusion, and 15 percent commission.

1. If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

2. Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

3. My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

4. Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.

5. Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

6. He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

7. Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

8. When a radio comedian's program is finally finished it slinks down Memory Lane into the limbo of yesteryear's happy hours. All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

9. He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

10. Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

11. My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.

12. Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

13. She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

14. The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

15. He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.

16. If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.

17. English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

18. Vaudeville could not vouch for the honesty, the integrity, or the mentality of the individuals who collectively made up the horde the medium embraced. All the human race demands of its members is that they be born. That is all vaudeville demanded. You just had to be born. You could be ignorant and be a star. You could be a moron and be wealthy. The elements that went to make up vaudeville were combed from the jungles, the four corners of the world, the intelligentsia and the subnormal.

19. I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me and I started shaking. And then I walked back into the house and my wife asked, 'What's the matter?' and I said 'I don't feel good.' And tears - uncontrollable tears - was coming out of my eyes. And she said, 'What's the matter?' And I said 'I just thought about that execution I did two days ago, and everybody else's that I was involved with.' And what it was something triggered within and it just - everybody - all of these executions all of a sudden sprung forward.

20. Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.