Henny Youngman Quotes

Henny Youngman cracks quick, self-deprecating jokes about marriage, relationships and everyday absurdities.

54 quotes

1. Take my wife-please!

2. My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.

3. My wife wanted her face lifted. They couldn't do that. But for $80, they lowered her body.

4. My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.

5. My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

6. Now she's on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight. But she can climb a tree!

7. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

8. All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

9. If there's never been a suicide in your family, why don't you break the monotony?

10. If there's ever a price on your head, take it.

11. I looked high and low for you. I didn't look low enough.

12. What got you out of the woodwork?

13. You're the kind of person I would like to have over when I have the measles.

14. Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

15. Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone who is unarmed.

16. I'd like to introduce you to some friends of mine. I want to break off with them.

17. I like you-I have no taste-but I like you.

18. The more I think of you the less I think of you.

19. I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

20. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

21. You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.

22. To Dean Martin-Dean, if you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

23. You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

24. I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up-they have no holidays.

25. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

26. He hit me among my face.

27. A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman 'Can I park here?' 'No' says the cop. 'What about all these other cars?' 'They didn't ask!

28. I asked a Jewish man 'Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?' He said 'Yes', and walked away.

29. A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

30. Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

31. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

32. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

33. A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

34. My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

35. I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

36. I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

37. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

38. My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

39. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

40. Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

41. The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

42. Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

43. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

44. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

45. The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

46. There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

47. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

48. Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

49. He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

50. Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!

51. A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

52. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

53. A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

54. My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.