Jack Dee Quotes

Jack Dee's sharp jokes cut through humor and death, giving a cheeky take on community and misunderstanding.

36 quotes

1. If you are allowed to smack children, you should be allowed to smack geriatrics as well because they are just as much of a nuisance as children, if not more.

2. My feeling is that women will never be equal to men ... I think men are catching up in all kinds of ways.

3. My grandfather died last week, and we buried him at sea. Well, I say we buried him at sea; it was actually a village in north Wales at the time.

4. [on pre-EU British passports] You used them to shove aside officials. 'Out of my way, Johnny-foreigner! Reason for visit? Imperialism!'

5. Unlike European mustards that bring out the subtle flavours of food, English mustard makes your nose bleed.

6. People walk up to me and say, 'You're not as big as you are on telly, are you?' Well, I don't know. How big's your fucking television?

7. I've got a video that doesn't record the film, it just watches it and tells me what happens. 'Oh, Meryl Streep bought this farm somewhere, and she gets the clap. That's about it. I think Robert Redford gave it to her. To be honest I was flicking over to the football every five minutes, so...'

8. I thought that I saw your name on a bag of bread but when I reread it, it said 'Thick Cut'.

9. I had a wet dream about you last night. I dreamt you got hit by a bus, and I pissed myself laughing.

10. I love the way garages leave black buckets outside for your dead flowers.

11. I had a blowjob once. I didn't like the taste.

12. I always love it when a great, new, comedian gets hit by a bus.

13. I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs... like custom officers.

14. I've had death threats... well a petition.

15. I knew this suit was going to be a problem when i went into the store and asked them 'will this make me look fat?' and they replied 'why shouldn't it, you are'

16. (Imitating an old woman) Well when i was a child there was a carnival and we used to play this game called put the apple in the bucket, i was very good at this game, you brought your own apple and you gave the man a penny to put the apple in his bucket, and when the bucket was full he got in a van and fucked off.

17. The film industry is a lot like Anne Robinson. Always on the lookout for a new face.

18. In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight.

19. I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I didn't know about this but apparently, during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of very unreliable German cars.

20. I wish they'd stop improving car washes. They just keep adding to the choice on that menu. The super valet, super foam valet, super wax valet. When all you want is a button that says: Get this shit off my bonnet.

21. One of my friends went on a murder weekend... now he is doing life for it.

22. Mmmm... the comedy that matters is the comedy you pull out of thin air. It's a bit like when something funny has happened and you try to explain it to someone else and end up saying, 'You had to be there.

23. The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest.

24. Depression is something that has always figured in my life but now I'm dealing with it. I wish I'd done this years ago because it's been really helpful.

25. And people are intrigued if I really am as grumpy in real life. People feel a bit let down if I'm laughing or smiling.

26. I was on various anti-depressants, but not for long - I didn't function very well on them. I felt sort of flattened out.

27. I have had issues with depression all my life, and it's probably true to say there was a tendency towards it even when I was very young, during my schooldays. There was often - and this is quite common with comics - a sense of not feeling as if I belonged anywhere.

28. The good thing about 'Have I Got News For You' is it's a compact show but it still gives everyone space to breathe, and everyone always gets a chance to say something if they want to. It's a very difficult show to dominate, and guests who come on and dominate always fall foul.

29. I was so keen to become a comedian that actually doing the comedy itself almost came second.

30. Whenever you're in any acting role you are mortgaging your own character.

31. I had a longing for ritual, something I could cling to, a routine to make me feel well and contented. I hoped that reading Bible commentaries and theological critiques would nudge me closer to some kind of absolute that I could hold up as a torch to light my way.

32. But I like going to church. If you've been brought up in the Church of England, it feels like visiting an elderly relative. And I think it's important that part of the kids' education is knowing about the Bible.

33. If I'm pushed, I'd also have to admit I don't like people with allergies. They just annoy me. There seems to be something far too self-centred about it. 'No thanks, I'm allergic.' Why not just say 'No thanks'? I wasn't asking for your medical history, I was just passing around the nuts. Trying to be friendly, that's all.

34. I took religion much too seriously, however, and its overall effect was depressing. I would have really liked to discard it, but somehow I couldn't.

35. There were a few teachers who just did not like me because of my face. Once, I was told to stand in the corner until I cheered up. The attitude was, 'Oh, for God's sake, what's the matter with him?' But it's just a natural expression.

36. Maybe I fear things going wrong so much that I pre-empt them by not getting excited about them when they appear to be. going well.