Jay Leno Quotes

Jay Leno's collection offers witty, political jokes and sly commentary on France and leadership for those who enjoy humor with a bite.

40 quotes

1. 106 [degrees] in the valley: I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.

2. I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada'.

3. How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause] How many watched American Idol? [thundering applause] Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.

4. So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh- meets America's president. It's like President 'Who?' meeting President 'Huh?'.

5. A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. [:] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.

6. And some sad news: the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.

7. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'Maliki is the right man for the job.' Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job: which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job.

8. Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

9. Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation:

10. No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages.

11. 'Fred, what happened to your ass?' 'Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me.'

12. Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.

13. French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

14. 'This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.

15. Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after France's best player got ejected for head butting. That's the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years

16. A 102-year-old tree fell over in front of the White House. They said this happening involved three factors: its age, a strong wind, and Patrick Kennedy's car.

17. He's described as the architect of the war on Iraq. And he should be very proud, because he's built something that's going to last for years and years.

18. With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

19. The Republicans are calling [this] a Wizard of Oz ticket... Cheney needs a heart, Bush needs a brain.

20. You're not famous until my mother knows about it.

21. Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

22. Your dog/cat is not going to wear that!

23. Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

24. Heres something to think about: How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery?

25. If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong.

26. Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

27. Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is.

28. There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention.

29. Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let actual reality get in the way of his reality show.

30. American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade Iraq, the whole place is oil and cash. It's like Republican Disneyland.

31. I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.

32. Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there.

33. You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

34. The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts.

35. Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have a sexual relationship with an intern. Only Congress would need a rule to tell them cheating on their wives is not ethical. Don't we have that rule? I believe it's called the Sixth Commandment.

36. Jack Abramoff is going to testify against some of the other weasels in Congress. A lobbyist testifying against congressmen? How many Bibles are going to burst into flames in that courtroom?

37. Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting.

38. The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It's their bill. If it's too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?

39. According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

40. According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president.