118 Jonathan Swift Quotes

Jonathan Swift quotes

1. When I behold this I sighed, and said within myself, 'Surely mortal man is a broomstick!' Nature sent him into the world strong and lusty, in a thriving condition, wearing his own hair on his head, the proper branches of this reasoning vegetable, till the axe of intemperance has lopped off his green boughs, and left him a withered trunk; he then flies to art, and puts on a periwig, valuing himself upon an unnatural bundle of hairs, all covered with powder, that never grew on his head; but now should this our broomstick pretend to enter the scene, proud of those birchen spoils it never bore, and all covered with dust, through the sweepings of the finest lady's chamber, we should be apt to ridicule and despise its vanity. Partial judges that we are of our own excellencies, and other men's defaults!

2. There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof, I hope, there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am not understood, it shall be concluded, that something very useful and profound is couched underneath; and again, that whatever word or sentence is printed in a different character, shall be judged to contain something extraordinary either or wit of sublime.'

3. I have one word to say upon the subject of profound writers, who are grown very numerous of late; and I know very well the judicious world is resolved to list me in that number. I conceive therefore, as to the business of being profound, that it is with writers as with wells - a person with good eyes may see to the bottom of the deepest, provided any water be there: and often when there is nothing in the world at the bottom besides dryness and dirt, though it be but a yard and a-half under-ground, it shall pass, however, for wondrous deep upon no wiser reason than because it is wondrous dark.

4. Books, the children of the brain.

5. Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.

6. Instead of dirt and poison we have rather chosen to fill our hives with honey and wax; thus furnishing mankind with the two noblest of things, which are sweetness and light.

7. Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.

8. There is nothing in this world constant, but inconstancy.

9. There are few, very few, that will own themselves in a mistake, though all the World sees them to be in downright nonsense.

10. And surely one of the best rules in conversation is, never to say a thing which any of the company can reasonably wish had been left unsaid:

11. 'Tis very warm weather when one's in bed.

12. We are so fond of one another, because our ailments are the same.

13. I love good creditable acquaintance; I love to be the worst of the company.

14. :one enemy can do more hurt, than ten friends can do good.

15. But nothing is so hard for those who abound in riches, as to conceive how others can be in want.

16. 'Tis an old maxim in the schools, That flattery's the food of fools; Yet now and then your men of wit Will condescend to take a bit.

17. Proper words in proper places, make the true definition of a style.

18. If Heaven had looked upon riches to be a valuable thing, it would not have given them to such a scoundrel.

19. So weak thou art, that fools thy power despise; And yet so strong, thou triumph'st o'er the wise.

20. For, in reason, all government without the consent of the governed is the very definition of slavery: but in fact, eleven men well armed will certainly subdue one single man in his shirt.

21. Libertas et natale solum: Fine words! I wonder where you stole 'em.

22. A set of phrases learnt by rote; A passion for a scarlet coat; When at a play to laugh, or cry, Yet cannot tell the reason why: Never to hold her tongue a minute; While all she prates has nothing in it.

23. For conversation well endued; She calls it witty to be rude; And, placing raillery in railing, Will tell aloud your greatest failing.

24. Those dreams that on the silent night intrude, and with false flitting shapes our minds delude ... are mere productions of the brain. And fools consult interpreters in vain.

25. This evil fortune, which generally attends extraordinary men in the management of great affairs, has been imputed to divers causes, that need not be here set down, when so obvious a one occurs, if what a certain writer observes be true, that when a great genius appears in the world the dunces are all in confederacy against him.

26. I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

27. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

28. Yet malice never was his aim; He lashed the vice but spared the name. No individual could resent, Where thousands equally were meant. His satire points at no defect But what all mortals may correct; For he abhorred that senseless tribe Who call it humor when they gibe.

29. Hobbes clearly proves that every creature Lives in a state of war by nature.

30. So, naturalists observe, a flea Hath smaller fleas that on him prey; And these have smaller still to bit 'em; And so proceed ad infinitum. Thus every poet, in his kind, Is bit by him that comes behind.

31. Conversation is but carving! Give no more to every guest Than he's able to digest. Give him always of the prime, And but little at a time. Carve to all but just enough, Let them neither starve nor stuff, And that you may have your due, Let your neighbor carve for you.

32. Under an oak, in stormy weather, I joined this rogue and whore together; And none but he who rules the thunder Can put this rogue and whore asunder.

33. Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. Whoever makes the fewest persons uneasy is the best bred in the company.

34. Pedantry is properly the over-rating of any kind of knowledge we pretend to.

35. Pride, ill nature, and want of sense, are the three great sources of ill manners.

36. I can discover no political evil in suffering bullies, sharpers, and rakes, to rid the world of each other by a method of their own; where the law hath not been able to find an expedient.

37. Nothing is so great an instance of ill manners as flattery. If you flatter all the company, you please none; if you flatter only one or two, you affront the rest.

38. It is impossible that any thing so natural, so necessary, and so universal as death, should ever have been designed by Providence as an evil to mankind.

39. Ubi saeva indignatio ulterius cor lacerare nequit

40. We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.

41. Every man desires to live long, but no man would be old.

42. A nice man is a man of nasty ideas.

43. Vision is the art of seeing things invisible.

44. What they do in heaven we are ignorant of; what they do not we are told expressly: that they neither marry, nor are given in marriage.

45. The Stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes.

46. The power of fortune is confessed only by the miserable; for the happy impute all their success to prudence or merit.

47. The latter part of a wise man's life is taken up in curing the follies, prejudices, and false opinions he had contracted in the former.

48. Positiveness is a good quality for preachers and orators, because he that would obtrude his thoughts and reasons upon a multitude, will convince others the more, as he appears convinced himself.

49. Politics, as the word is commonly understood, are nothing but corruptions, and consequently of no use to a good king or a good ministry; for which reason Courts are so overrun with politics.

50. Men are contented to be laughed at for their wit, but not for their folly.

51. Although men are accused of not knowing their own weakness, yet perhaps as few know their own strength. It is in men as in soils, where sometimes there is a vein of gold, which the owner knows not of.

52. Ambition often puts men upon doing the meanest offices; so climbing is performed in the same posture with creeping.

53. Censure is the tax a man pays to the public for being eminent.

54. Invention is the talent of youth, and judgment of age:

55. I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.

56. No wise man ever wished to be younger.

57. He (the Emperor) is taller by almost the breadth of my nail, than any of his court, which alone is enough to strike an awe into the beholders.

58. I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.

59. And he gave it for his opinion, that whosoever could make two ears of corn or two blades of grass to grow upon a spot of ground where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together.

60. He had been eight years upon a project for extracting sunbeams out of cucumbers, which were to be put in vials hermetically sealed, and let out to warm the air in raw inclement summers.

61. I said the thing which was not. (For they have no word in their language to express lying or falsehood.)

62. Poor Nations are hungry, and rich Nations are proud, and Pride and Hunger will ever be at Variance.

63. A soldier is a Yahoo (man) hired to kill in cold blood as many of his own species, who have never offended him, as possibly he can.

64. I told him...that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank without the provocation of thirst.

65. The sight of you is good for sore eyes.

66. 'Tis as cheap sitting as standing.

67. I hate nobody: I am in charity with the world.

68. I won't quarrel with my bread and butter.

69. She's no chicken; she's on the wrong side of thirty, if she be a day.

70. She wears her clothes, as if they were thrown on her with a pitchfork.

71. :promises and pie-crust are made to be broken.

72. He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.

73. That's as well said, as if I had said it myself.

74. Fingers were made before forks, and hands before knives.

75. She has more goodness in her little finger, than he has in his whole body.

76. Lord, I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing!

77. The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.

78. May you live all the days of your life.

79. I always love to begin a journey on Sundays, because I shall have the prayers of the church to preserve all that travel by land, or water.

80. I thought you and he were hand-in-glove.

81. Better belly burst than good liquor be lost.

82. She watches him, as a cat would watch a mouse.

83. She pays him in his own coin.

84. There was all the world and his wife.

85. You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come; Knock as you please, there's nobody at home.

86. A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle.

87. It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into.

88. The latter part of a wise person's life is occupied with curing the follies, prejudices and false opinions they contracted earlier.'

89. Ambition often puts Men upon doing the meanest offices; so climbing is performed in the same position with creeping.

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

90. In church your grandsire cut his throat; to do the job too long he tarried: he should have had my hearty vote to cut his throat before he married.

91. Faith! he must make his stories shorter or change his comrades once a quarter.

92. Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

93. Every dog must have his day.

94. I have always believed no matter how many shots I miss, I'm going to make the next one.

95. A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday.

96. (On leaving money to found a psychiatric hospital in Dublin) No nation needs it so much.

97. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

98. As love without esteem is volatile and capricious; esteem without love is languid and cold.

1. I with borrow'd silver shine, What you see is none of mine. First I show you but a quarter, Like the bow that guards the Tartar: Then the half, and then the whole, Ever dancing round the pole.

2. A favor is half granted, when graciously refused.

3. The best Maxim I know in this life is, to drink your Coffee when you can, and when you cannot, to be easy without it. While you continue to be splenetic, count upon it I will always preach. Thus much I sympathize with you that I am not cheerful enough to write, for I believe Coffee once a week is necessary to that.

4. A forward critic often dupes us With sham quotations peri hupsos, And if we have not read Longinus, Will magisterially outshine us. Then, lest with Greek he over-run ye, Procure the book for love or money, Translated from Boileau's translation, And quote quotation on quotation.

5. May you live every day of your life.

6. Ale is meat, drink and cloth; it will make a cat speak and a wise man dumb.

7. All fits of pleasure are balanced by an equal degree of pain or languor; it is like spending this year part of the next year's revenue.

8. Satire is a sort of glass wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own; which is the chief reason for that kind reception it meets with in the world, and that so very few are offended with it.

9. I have ever hated all nations, professions, and communities, and all my love is toward individuals: for instance, I hate the tribe of lawyers, but I love Counsellor Such-a-one, and Judge Such-a-one: so with physicians—I will not speak of my own trade—soldiers, English, Scotch, French, and the rest. But principally I hate and detest that animal called man, although I heartily love John, Peter, Thomas, and so forth. This is the system upon which I have governed myself many years, but do not tell...

10. So endless and exorbitant are the desires of men that they will grasp at all, and can form no scheme of perfect happiness with less.

11. Vanity is a natural object of temptation to a woman.

12. If a man makes me keep my distance, the comfort is, he keeps his at the same time.

13. A true critic, in the perusal of a book, is like a dog at a feast, whose thoughts and stomach are wholly set upon what the guests fling away, and consequently is apt to snarl most when there are the fewest bones.

14. Walls have tongues, and hedges ears.

15. The two maxims of any great man at court are, always to keep his countenance, and never to keep his word.

16. I remember it was with extreme difficulty that I could bring my master to understand the meaning of the word opinion, or how a point could be disputable; because reason taught us to affirm or deny only where we are certain; and beyond our knowledge we cannot do either.

17. Don't set your wit against a child.

18. Though fear should lend him pinions like the wind, yet swifter fate will seize him from behind.

19. And, is not Virtue in Mankind The Nutriment that feeds the Mind?

20. For poetry, he's past his prime, He takes an hour to find a rhyme; His fire is out, his wit decayed, His fancy sunk, his muse a jade. I'd have him throw away his pen, But there's no talking to some men.