Lenny Bruce Quotes

Lenny Bruce's witty, irreverent jokes tackle humor, censorship and religion.

65 quotes

1. Life is a four-letter word

2. In the Halls of Justice, the only justice is in the halls

3. If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career

4. A Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as a descendant from that tribe. That's what it says in the dictionary, but you and I know what a Jew is: One Who Killed Our Lord... there should be a statute of limitations for that crime.

5. I want to perform an unnatural act.

6. Are there any niggers here tonight? Could you turn on the house lights, please, and could the waiters and waitresses just stop serving, just for a second? And turn off this spot. Now what did he say? 'Are there any niggers here tonight?' I know there's one nigger, because I see him back there working. Let's see, there's two niggers. And between those two niggers sits a kike. And there's another kike- that's two kikes and three niggers. And there's a spic. Right? Hmm? There's another spic. Ooh, there's a wop; there's a polack; and, oh, a couple of greaseballs. And there's three lace-curtain Irish micks. And there's one, hip, thick, hunky, funky, boogie. Boogie boogie. Mm-hmm. I got three kikes here, do I hear five kikes? I got five kikes, do I hear six spics, I got six spics, do I hear seven niggers? I got seven niggers. Sold American. I pass with seven niggers, six spics, five micks, four kikes, three guineas, and one wop. Well, I was just trying to make a point, and that is that it's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness. Dig: if President Kennedy would just go on television, and say, 'I would like to introduce you to all the niggers in my cabinet,' and if he'd just say 'nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger' to every nigger he saw, 'boogie boogie boogie boogie boogie,' 'nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger' 'til nigger didn't mean anything anymore, then you could never make some six-year-old black kid cry because somebody called him a nigger at school.

7. Take away the right to say fuck and you take away the right to say fuck the government.

8. The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

9. I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

10. You can't put tits and ass on the marquee!...Why not?...Because it's dirty and vulgar, that's why not!... Titties are dirty and vulgar?...Okay, we'll compromise. How about Latin? Gluteus maximus, pectoralis majors nightly...That's alright, that's clean, class with ass, I'll buy it...Clean to you, schmuck, but dirty to the Latins!

11. Let me tell you the truth. The truth is, what is. And what should be is a fantasy, a terrible terrible lie that someone gave to the people long ago.

12. The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...try to fake three laughs in an hour--ha ha ha ha ha--they'll take you away, man. You can't.

13. If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

14. If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off.' You've got to quit, cold jerky!

15. A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno... it was one of those parties that got out of hand, you know?

16. Since they condone capital punishment, I want them to stop bitching about Jesus getting nailed up.

17. If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

18. Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

19. If white America told the truth for one day, its whole world would fall apart.

20. I didn't do it, man, I only said it.

21. A knowledge of syphilis is not an instruction to get it.

22. 'Sex' and 'obscenity' are not synonymous.

23. If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

24. It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.

25. Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

26. The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

27. I'm sorry if I wasn't very funny tonight. Sometimes I'm not. I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

28. The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

29. Communism is like one big phone company. If you get too rank with them, you'll wind up with a dixie cup and a thread.

30. There are never enough 'I love you's.'

31. I want the Supreme Court to stand up and tell me that fucking is dirty and no good.

32. I want to help you if you have a dirty word problem. There are none.

33. I don't want every break in the world. I just want justice.

34. If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

35. If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

36. Lenny Bruce's legacy is freedom of speech and telling it as it is, getting your life and putting it out on the table, telling everyone about it.

37. And I learned the truth from Lenny Bruce

38. They said that he was sick 'cause he didn't play by the rules,he just showed the wise men of his day to be nothing more than fools

39. Just don't forget your history, dirty Lenny died so we could all be free

40. That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane - Lenny Bruce is not afraid.

41. Mother Goose is on the loose, stealing lines from Lenny Bruce.

42. I want to be Lenny Bruce.

43. Lenny Bruce, declares a truce and plays his other hand. Marshall McLuhan, casual viewin', head buried in the sand.

44. For Halloween, I want to be Lenny Bruce, I want them to hate me, so you can love me on the sly.

45. Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham and Cage

46. I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

47. Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

48. I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then we would all go to another apartment, and the Nixon fans would say, 'How do you like the shellacking he gave Kennedy?'

49. If you're from New York and you're Catholic, you're still Jewish. If you're from Butte Montana and you're Jewish, you're still goyisch. The Air Force is Jewish, the Marine Corps dangerous goyisch. Rye Bread is Jewish, instant potatoes, scary goyisch. Eddie Cantor is goyisch, George Jessel is goyisch-Coleman Hawkins is Jewish.

50. I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

51. Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

52. Dig: I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. B'nai B'rith is goyish; Hadassah, Jewish. If you live in New York or any other big city, you are Jewish. It doesn't matter even if you're Catholic; if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you're going to be goyish even if you're Jewish.

53. I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

54. Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

55. I was a Jew talking about Goyim religion. If I had just stuck to Moses, everything would have been cool. But, copping to being part of the whole Christ murder conspiracy got everyone goose-stepping again.

56. The reason I'm in this business, I assume all performers are -- it's Look at me, Ma! It's acceptance, you know -- Look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma. And if your mother watches, you'll show off till you're exhausted; but if your mother goes, Ptshew!

57. I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

58. You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

59. I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

60. There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.

61. Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.

62. I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

63. I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.

64. Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.

65. All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.