Mitch Hedberg Quotes

• I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was 'HH', so I went to the side, I found the 'H' button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out man, 'cause they had a 'HH' button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of 'HH'. I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god dammit dammit.'
• Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.'
• (Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say 'What the hell?' and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.'
• I got so much tartar, I don't got to dip my fishsticks in shit. (Realizing what he said) Actually that's kind of gross.
• Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going 'Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!'
• I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, 'Let's call this hotel 'Something...Tree', so they had a meeting; it...it was quite short. 'How 'bout Tree?' 'No, Double Tree.' 'Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!' I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'... damnit, we were almost there!
• Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?
• I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.[1]
• See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for 'sale'. Please alphabetize 'it'.'[2]
• Check this joke out: (Pointing to the back of the room as if to relay his post-show whereabouts.) If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be : fuckin' surprised.
• I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
• We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for 'Add sugar to'.
• I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
• Hey this jokes on the first CD but I added a new line so I can't fuckin' rob you of this one. I got a ant farm but them fellas didn't grow shit. I said 'C'mon what about some celery. You fuckers don't farm; plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen. That's the new part.'
• I didn't go to college but if I did I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant cuz 'The customer's always right.'
• Alright, alright. That joke's better than you acted. Perhaps it's not. Maybe it's dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin' genius for Christ's sakes. You know. I'm just tryin' to tell some jokes. Shit. Who the fuck are you? That track is number fourteen. It's called 'Attitude'.
• I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
• 'I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying 'No'. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit.'
• If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
• I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Fuck you, Real Estate Lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is A.K.A hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it.'
• I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, 'Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!'
• I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.' Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean.'[3]
• I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]
• I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'[4]
• I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'[5]
• When I play the South, they say 'y'all' in the South. They take out the 'O' and the 'U'. So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. 'Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!' 'I stubbed my toe, -ch!' 'I need to lay down on the c-ch!' 'I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!'[6]
• I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.[3]
• You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.[7]
• Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, 'What candy bar are you getting?', 'That one, and every one on the bottom row!'
• I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress mis-understood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said 'Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!' - Live in Seattle, December 3, 2004
• If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. And there are symptoms, like when you fall down, does it always hurt? - Live at the 40 Watt Club, Athens, Georgia, April 9, 2002
• My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said 'Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch.' I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see. - Live at the 40 Watt Club, Athens, Georgia, April 9, 2002
• I got an ant farm...them fellas didn't grow shit.
• I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say 'Sweet.' And then people would say, 'Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?' I'd say, 'Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.'
• My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
• I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
• My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah'.
• A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before i realized he likes cherries just...alright, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what i was trying to pull off there.
• Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
• Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
• On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'
• I never joined the army because 'at ease' never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.
• My friend said to me, 'I think the weather's trippy.' I said, 'No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.' Then I thought, 'Man, I should've just said, 'Yeah.''
• I dressed up for the CD
• I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
• Popsicles are for the summertime...
• When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. 'Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter.' But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.
• This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause.'
• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
• I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, 'I hear music', as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.
• This shirt is 'dry-clean only'...which means it's dirty.
• My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least.'
• I saw some two-dollar bills, today. They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control. Now it's worth eight, still says 'two'.
• One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!'
• If you boat a lot you are known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy that likes to boat.
• I play sports...no I don't, what the fuck?
• Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!'
• I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist
• If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
• I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Fuck that, I'll just make a copy.'
• My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches.
• I like vending machines 'cuz snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves it's maximum flavor potential.
• So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass.
• If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin' pimpin' that shit out.'Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what. I'll trade you a free key duplication(laughs).' That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cuz there's no ending
• I drank some boiling water 'cuz I wanted to whistle
• This is a CD called HIT AND MISS.
• I did a movie with Peter Frampton. He's a musical genius, but I don't listen to his stuff. So I had to continuously try to draw attention away from the fact. Hey Frampton! Do you like toast too!? As do I. It is warm and crispy and the perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay away from me Frampton, I ain't got shit else to say to you!
• I like wearing this pass, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.
• I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
• You know when it comes to racism, people say: ' I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green'... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.
• I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,'Forget everything you know about slipcovers.' So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
• I like the American-Canadian border, 'cuz if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cuz first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?':[Points to the side] 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'As soon as I regain my equilibrium!'
• I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.
• Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,'Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?'
• (to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said 'fuck it...lets sit down'.
• I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.
• I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
• They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, 'Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.'
• You know that word 'lull'? That's four letters, three of them are L's, fuck! That's too many L's in one word! The word lull is one letter away from... [gets handed a drink] oh shit. That'll fuck up a joke!
• I like when they bring a comedian on stage, they always tell you what else they do. But fuck, this is enough, isn't it? He's here tonight performing, because that is his job! But no, it's gotta be, 'He laid bricks in Philadelphia. And he repaired a car in Oklahoma. He has an umbrella store in Philadelphia. That's the only city that comes to mind right now. Philadelphia, 'cause you can say 'Philly' and the people from Philadelphia will not get mad. Like if you say 'Frisco,' San Francisco people say, 'Fuck off!' But if you say 'Philly' they say, 'Alright!' Because I don't always have time to say 'Philadelphia.' Sometimes I just need that word to be two syllables. Phil-a-del-phi-a. Fuck, five! Your town would be called Philly too if it had five syllables!
• I have a king sized bed, i don't know any kings, but if i ever meet one i can tell him 'you will not believe what i have in store for you!' 'This is made to your exact specifications!' When i was little i used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.
• Mitch Hedberg (writer). (1999). Comedy Central Presents: Mitch Hedberg [Television series].

mitch hedberg