Rita Rudner Quotes

Rita Rudner shares witty, family-focused jokes that play with marriage and appearance.

54 quotes

1. We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and: get more feet.

2. I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

3. Well, the old theory was 'marry a older man because they're more mature'. But the new theory is 'men don't mature - marry a young one'.

4. To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

5. [One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)

6. Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

7. I don't even know how this word came into being: 'aerobics'. I guess gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'.'

8. Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

9. Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about 'New Car Interior'?

10. I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

11. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

12. I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

13. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

14. I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

15. I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

16. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

17. I'm just like Dr. Phil, except I have hair, and I don't help anybody.

18. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

19. Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

20. Money is the root of all jewelry.

21. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

22. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

23. My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

24. My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

25. Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, 'Look, it's always gonna be me!'

26. Remember, Humphrey Bogart was not the first choice for Casablanca; Ronald Reagan was. So maybe if Ronnie had taken the part, Humprey Bogart could have been president. And maybe if you date this guy, you could be president too!

27. Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

28. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

29. When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

30. When I was a kid I had two friends, and they were imaginary, and they would only play with each other.

31. Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."

32. Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didnt know what to do! Id knock on peoples doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."

33. I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

34. Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

35. Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

36. Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

37. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

38. They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

39. When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

40. My Vegas act is how I make my money.

41. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

42. We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

43. We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.

44. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

45. I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

46. Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

47. The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

48. Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

49. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

50. If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

51. I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

52. Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.

53. I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!

54. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.