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63 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Rodney Dangerfield delivers witty, self-deprecating jokes about marriage, family and appearance.

Rodney Dangerfield quotes

  1. I don't get no respect!!!

    #1

  2. You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny BoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold!

    #2

  3. A girl called me the other day and said 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

    #3

  4. A hooker told me 'Not on the first date.'

    #4

  5. Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.

    #5

  6. My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

    #6

  7. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

    #7

  8. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

    #8

  9. I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

    #9

  10. I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.

    #10

  11. I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

    #11

  12. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

    #12

  13. I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.

    #13

  14. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    #14

  15. I said to the bartender 'Surprise me.' He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.

    #15

  16. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

    #16

  17. I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

    #17

  18. I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.

    #18

  19. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous- everyone hasn't met me yet.

    #19

  20. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

    #20

  21. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.

    #21

  22. I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!'

    #22

  23. I was such an ugly kid- when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

    #23

  24. My father never liked me, he'd tell me to go out and play 'Hide and-go-fuck-yourself'.

    #24

  25. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

    #25

  26. I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?' He said...'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'

    #26

  27. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    #27

  28. I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice- I don't know if I'm coming or going.

    #28

  29. I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.

    #29

  30. If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

    #30

  31. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...

    #31

  32. It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, 'I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.'

    #32

  33. Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?

    #33

  34. Life is just a bowl of pits.

    #34

  35. My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

    #35

  36. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

    #36

  37. My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

    #37

  38. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

    #38

  39. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

    #39

  40. My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.

    #40

  41. My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.

    #41

  42. My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

    #42

  43. That's the story of my life, no respect, ya know?

    #43

  44. The other night I told my kid 'Someday, you'll have children of your own.' He said 'So will you.'

    #44

  45. The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.

    #45

  46. When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said, 'Is there someone else?' She said, 'There must be.'

    #46

  47. When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!

    #47

  48. When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.

    #48

  49. With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

    #49

  50. With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...

    #50

  51. With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.

    #51

  52. Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

    #52

  53. You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.

    #53

  54. I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.

    #54

  55. I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want!

    #55

  56. I love three girls at once...if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to.

    #56

  57. Don't worry honey, I didn't see a thing...you're perfect!

    #57

  58. You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.

    #58

  59. Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'

    #59

  60. I'll never forget the time I tried Cocaine. Horrible experience. Of course, I was on Acid at the time... (Monologue from his Saturday Night Live appearance)

    #60

  61. (Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives!

    #61

  62. One day I was driving home and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked why, he said, ''Cause you came home early!'

    #62

  63. Epitaph on his tombstone:

    #63