Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Rodney Dangerfield delivers witty, self-deprecating jokes about marriage, family and appearance.

83 quotes

1. I don't get no respect!!!

2. You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny BoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold!

3. A girl called me the other day and said 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

4. A hooker told me 'Not on the first date.'

5. Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.

6. My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

7. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

8. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

9. I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

10. I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.

11. I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

13. I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.

14. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

15. I said to the bartender 'Surprise me.' He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.

16. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

17. I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

18. I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.

19. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous- everyone hasn't met me yet.

20. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

21. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.

22. I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!'

23. I was such an ugly kid- when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

24. My father never liked me, he'd tell me to go out and play 'Hide and-go-fuck-yourself'.

25. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

26. I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?' He said...'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'

27. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

28. I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice- I don't know if I'm coming or going.

29. I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.

30. If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

31. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...

32. It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, 'I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.'

33. Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?

34. Life is just a bowl of pits.

35. My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

36. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

37. My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

38. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

39. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

40. My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.

41. My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.

42. My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

43. That's the story of my life, no respect, ya know?

44. The other night I told my kid 'Someday, you'll have children of your own.' He said 'So will you.'

45. The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.

46. When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said, 'Is there someone else?' She said, 'There must be.'

47. When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!

48. When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.

49. With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

50. With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...

51. With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.

52. Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

53. You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.

54. I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.

55. I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want!

56. I love three girls at once...if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to.

57. Don't worry honey, I didn't see a thing...you're perfect!

58. You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.

59. Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'

60. I'll never forget the time I tried Cocaine. Horrible experience. Of course, I was on Acid at the time... (Monologue from his Saturday Night Live appearance)

61. (Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives!

62. One day I was driving home and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked why, he said, ''Cause you came home early!'

63. Epitaph on his tombstone:

64. My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

65. My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

66. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

67. She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

68. I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

69. I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

70. What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

71. She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

72. One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

73. I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

74. I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

75. My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

76. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

77. I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

78. My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

79. Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

80. When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

81. I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

82. I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

83. What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.