W. C. Fields Quotes

W. C. Fields delivers sharp, self-deprecating humor about drinking and family, appealing to fans of dry, cynical wit.

99 quotes

1. Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

2. Goddamn the whole friggin' world but you, Carlotta!

3. Never give a sucker an even break.

4. Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

5. I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

6. I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

7. I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

8. Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

9. The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

10. A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

11. After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

12. Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

13. All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

14. A lot of people wanna be W.C. Fields now, but that's not even who I am.

15. Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

16. Charlie McCarthy: 'Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?' WC: 'He'd think I was a sissy.' (from a radio show)

17. WC: 'Is it true your father was a gate-leg table?' McCarthy: 'If he was, then your father was under it!' (from a radio show)

18. Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

19. Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose- to make people laugh.

20. Fields reloading!

21. I don't drink water. Fish poop in it.

22. (singing) I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two.

23. Hangman: 'Have you any last wish?' WC: 'Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die . . . Philadelphia will do.' (from My Little Chickadee)

24. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

25. I never wanted to be an actor, I wanted to be a drunk. Now I'm neither, but nobody can tell the difference.

26. How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon- and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter. (From a radio show, a 'temperance lecture'.)

27. I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

28. I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake- which I also keep handy.

29. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

30. I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.

31. I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

32. I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

33. I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

34. I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

35. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

36. I was married once- in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

37. I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

38. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

39. It ain't a fit night out for man or beast. (From one of his 'short' films, followed by opening the door and having snow flung in his face.)

40. It was a woman drove me to drink....you know I never did thank her.

41. From It's a Gift, chiding a man who is trying to swindle him out of valuable property: 'You're crazy. And I'm drunk. But I'll be sober tomorrow, and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life!'

42. Last week I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

43. Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

44. Man: 'I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.' WC: 'A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.'

45. More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

46. My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

47. My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies

48. Never mind what I told you - do what I I tell you.

49. Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

50. Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

51. Secretary: 'It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.' WC: 'Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible.'

52. Man: 'I understand you buried your wife several years ago.' WC: 'Yes, I had to. She died.' (from the film Poppy)

53. Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...

54. Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

55. Sleep- the most beautiful experience in life- except drink.

56. Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

57. The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. (from Never Give a Sucker an Even Break, in response to a man who complained of imsomnia)

58. The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

59. The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

60. There comes a time in the affairs of man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

61. There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

62. Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.

63. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar

64. The coldest day I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco (also attributed to Mark Twain)

65. Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

66. What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?

67. When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.

68. When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours

69. Women are like elephants, to me: I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

70. Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

71. You can't cheat an honest man. He has to have larceny in his heart in the first place.

72. Here you have some razor blades. And now, play with them!

73. If you can't razzle them with dazzle, baffle them with bullshit.

74. I note the derogatory rumors concerning my use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

75. A lot of people have bad luck. They should just be like Fields and not give a fuck.

76. On his death bed, he supposedly asked his banker, 'Do I have enough money to buy all the children of Philadelphia a bike each?' The banker looked at his notes and said yes. Fields stayed quiet for a moment in deep thought and replied 'Well fuck 'em!'

77. I'm looking for loopholes. [Said when caught reading the Bible.]

78. Never drink water, fishes make love in that stuff!

79. When a man,,,,,lies cheat and steals,,,,, but hates children,,,,, there must be something good in him!

80. If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

81. I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

82. What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

83. I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

84. Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

85. A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

86. All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

87. Happiness means quiet nerves.

88. W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

89. The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

90. Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

91. I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

92. I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

93. Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

94. To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

95. Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

96. We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky.

97. The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

98. No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

99. Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.