- In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!
- Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.
- The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.
- In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
- Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
- (When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) 'Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air - in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy.'