Yakov Smirnoff Quotes

Yakov Smirnoff offers sharp, satirical jokes about politics, freedom and censorship that bite with a grin.

18 quotes

1. In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!

2. Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

3. The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.

4. In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

5. Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

6. (When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) 'Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air - in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy.'

7. Americans think Soviets are so grim. I want them to see that they can smile.

8. In Soviet Russia, party always finds you!

9. As Americans after 9/11, we're much more united, together as a nation, and we got stronger, better, and more at peace. By peace, I mean the harmony you can feel in our united determination to fight these terrorists and killers.

10. Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.

11. It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.

12. The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington.

13. A Russian Reversal quote on Uncyclopedia's Soviet Union article? How original.

14. In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

15. If love is the treasure, laughter is the key.

16. If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it.

17. I was not only typecast as a Russian, but I was typecast as Yakov Smirnoff. This is understandable, and I was very happy to get the roles, but it would be nice to be in a movie where I could be someone else.

18. In America, your job determines your marks. In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job!