- I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
- The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
- What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
- California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
- Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
- I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
- When I was a boy, I said, 'Daddy, take me to the zoo.' My father said, 'Son, when the zoo wants you, they'll come and get you'.
- A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- Advertising is 85 percent confusion, and 15 percent commission.