- 'Nicollette Sheridan? Personality of spam.'
- 'I got confused. I thought it was a K.Y. scare, so I bought 2000 jars of personal lubricant. I still have some.'
- 'The movie Clueless was really big in the '90s, because it was superficial AND deep, like liposuction, which was also really big in the '90s.'
- 'I decided to go visit the pet cemetery where my dead dog Buster was buried. My grandmother always used to say, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' But you can't make lemonade out of a dead dog, no matter how hard you try.'
- 'Because I'm a blonde, I don't have to think I talk like a baby and I never pay for drinks I never have to worry about gettin' a man If I keep this blonde, and I keep these tan!'
- 'Well, if he's dead, I'm gonna have to act EXTRA sexy so I can get a new boyfriend. You can't doodle with a dead noodle, know what I'm sayin'? (Sees book cover.) Oh my GOD. That's what Shakespeare looked like? I'm not doing this.'
- 'Oh my goodness! I can see a bright white light, and I can hear my friends and relatives beckoning me into the afterlife. Wait, what's that...a Richard Marx video? Oh no! I'm goin' to hell!'