Quotes
 Strategery.- You don't talk to me that way! I am a division manager! I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!
- What's your favorite planet? ... Mine's the sun! Its like the king of planets!
- If the moon were made of barbeque spare ribs, would you eat it? ...I know I would. Heck, I'd have seconds. And then polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser.
- Write a number, any number and you win, it could be a one, a two, a three, or how about a four, any number.. And you wrote a v, well my friend, v is a roman numeral so despite your best efforts you managed to win, and lets see what you wagered. 'Suck it Trebek'
- You wouldn't hire a clown to fix a leak in the John. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz?? Yeeeaaahh!
- I will punch you in the face if you don't get off the shed! Now get off the shed, get off the shed! Get off the damn shed!
- I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!
- You still think this is a gigglefest private son of a bitch?!
- I love scotch, scotchy scotch scotch, here it goes down, down into my belly.
- Man that Kendall Beye is so awesome, he is better looking then elephants rear-end!
- You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.
- I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside, and you won't be invited.
- You are a smelly pirate hooker.
- Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?
- I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. 'Veronica had a very funny joke today.' I laughed at it later that night.
- You scorpion woman.
- You've got a dirty whorish mouth.
- What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing.
- I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
- Go fuck yourself, San Diego.
- Agree to disagree.
- I'm gonna punch you in the ovary.
- By the Beard of Zeus.
- Knights of Columbus that hurt!
- By the hammer of Thor!
- It's so damn hot - milk was a bad choice.
- I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN.
- Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
- I wanna be on you.
- ' I look good I look really good. Hey everyone come and see how good I look'
- Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
- [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.
- [clears throat] Well, I could be wrong, but I believe, uh, diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
- Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
- [after jumping into the grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.
- I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
- It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
- [riding unicorns through cartoon Pleasure Town] Look, the most glorious rainbow ever.
- [thinking he is on fire] Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Aah! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off of me!
- Help me, Oprah Winfrey!
- I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you.
- Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is just around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than the Jack Hawk 9000? Available at Wal-Mart!
- I've sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm puttin' a lotta eggs in that basket, the MTV basket. I also thought about getting a gun and becomin' a crack dealer. I wouldn't be, like, a mean crack dealer...I'd be a nice one. I'd just be like 'Hey, guys, what's up? You want some crack?'.
- Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...
- Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!
- Now, due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates that I mention POWERade at each grace, I'd just like to say that POWERade is delicious, it cools you off on a hot summer day, and we're all looking forward to POWERade's release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry.
- [driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!! I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!
- The room is startin' to spin real fast...cause of...cause of gayness.
- [Looking under the hood of his race car] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!
- Yep, I'm flyin' through the air, this is not good.
- [to his father-in-law] The only thing you ever did with your life is make a hot daughter! That's it!
- [to Girard] I've got you, Pepe Le Bitch!
- [getting ready to bump Girard in a race] Hey, it's me, America! [Choom] Macchiato
- Slingshot: engage.
- I'm not sure what to do with my hands.
- You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved.
- Get down, Karen!
- [Driving backward, flipping off the driver of the car next to him] It's real nice, I got it at Target, it's on sale.
- To quote the late great Colonel Sanders: 'I am too drunk to taste this chicken.'
- Momma, I'm goin' fast!
- I feel like a mongoose, stalking its prey.
- 98 percent of us will die at some point in our lives.
- [advertising for McCreedy Funeral Services] Bodies that look so good, you're gonna wanna talk to it!
- [doing a Big Red commercial] If you don't chew it, then get outta my face. Mother f**ker
- [in a Prune Candy commercial, singing] Dragon foot, bamboo pole, little mouse, Chinese boy, Prune Candy!
- A lot of people have gotten into comedy because of certain influences in their lives or events that were painful, and I really have wracked my brain to figure it out. I pretty much have had a normal childhood. Maybe it was too normal.
- All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead.
- How classy is it for me to wear these pink tennis shoes with my tux?
- I'm not really an exhibitionist. I'm drawn to the outrageous stuff because it's fun, not because it's some deep compulsion. I'm not tortured, anger-stoked, deeply neurotic comic -- just a pretty low-key normal guy. A 'hey, the glass is half-full' kind of a guy. But please keep it quiet, or I may never work again.
- I have only been funny about seventy four percent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four percent of the time.
- James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.
- One of the challenges you will face is finding a job in our depressed economy, ... In fact, the chances of finding a job are about as good as finding weapons of mass destruction in the Iraqi desert -- slim and none, and slim just left the building.
- Whom does the prime minister prefer? Funky Wunkey, Shipsy, Ho, or Waa-Waa?
- I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat. [1]
- I love you dad
- I like it. It's genius!
- (Trying to talk over party noise). Actually we've got a nice little Saturday planned. We're going to Home Depot to pick out some wallpaper, then maybe we'll hit Bed Bath and Beyond... I don't know! I don't know if we'll have enough time!
- (Funnels a beer). Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!
- Hey Snoop! Snoop-A-Loop!
- It's cool man, it's cool. Bring your green hat!
- (Sitting naked in the car). Hey honey! Do you think KFC's still open?
- I thought we were in the the trust tree, in the nest. Are we not?
- Cock, Balls
- It's got three speeds!
- D'you need a friend? Yeah, me too...
- You're my boy Blue, you're my boy
- We're going streaking!!!!
- I can see Blue, he looks glorious!
- Well...you know...keep on truckin.
- We're going streaking... through the quad to the gymnasium!
- I like you, but you're crazy.
- (answers the phone) Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?
- The best way to spread christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
- It's just like Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms... and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me...
- Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas carol.
- We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.
- I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite.
- What's a christmas gram? I want one!
- Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...
- (speaking to 'Miles Finch') He's an angry elf!
- Actually, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves.
- (speaking to the store santa) You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.
- Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS!
- SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!
- (speaking to 'Jovi') It's just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.
- I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.
- (Speaking to James Caan, Buddy's father) First we'll make snow angels for two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.
- I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
- (Reading a note he left on the etch-a-sketch) 'I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.'
- (To 'Jovi') I think you're really beautiful and I feel really warm when I'm around you and my tongue swells up. (pause)...So... do you wanna eat food?
- Good news! I saw a dog today!
- (To a stranger on the elevator) Oh I forgot to give you a hug.
will ferrell
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