Andrew Dice Clay Quotes
Andrew Dice Clay delivers raw, shocking humor that pushes boundaries and grabs attention.
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When you jerk off, you're saying 'Hey, I care about me.'
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What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!
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I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don't know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.
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How come there's no parking for midgets? You ever notice that? Not one spot in the fucking mall for midgets. Unbelievable. You want to know why? 'Cause there's no telethon for midgets. Nobody gives a fuck. The kind of humidity you get in Manhattan during the summer... by the time you even get to the front doors of the mall, they're passing out. You've got to piss on them to revive them. And I love midgets with those pumpkin heads, little bug legs. I never fucked one, I'll admit that. But I would do it. They're people. So they're a little light, all right. So, so you stick 'em on your dick, you can shave, shower, they don't get in the way. You throw 'em in a drawer when you're done. 'Yeah, use my socks as a pillow honey.' 'Wait, a mouse went under the table, get the fucker.' Could you imagine being a maitre d at a fancy restaurant and a couple midgets come in for dinner? What do you say? 'Table for, ugh, I don't know, fuck, three quarters?' Midgets, man. What do they do when a midget is missing? Put 'em on the back of a container of Half & Half?'
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You ever date a chick with a hunch-fucking-back? I did. I'm in a grocery store with this chick, the security guards were all over her, because they thought she was trying to smuggle a turkey under the back of her fucking jacket. I had a hunch. I had a hunch they'd stop her with that bad fucking back. They should have a telethon for hunchbacks. That's- that's what I think. They bring 'em out on a string like a pack of camels. [mimics a hunchback walking] 'Bump be dump bump.' I think something could be done. Chip the fucking thing off. You ever date a chick with buck-fucking-teeth and a hunch-fucking-back? Huh? Oh, just trying to talk to a bucktooth fucking chick is incredible. [Forces his mouth into an overbite] 'Hey. You want to go to a movie?' 'Shut up stupid! Pop the cork on this bottle.' And to make love to a chick with buck-fucking-teeth and a hunch-fucking-back is a complete horror show. You're in bed with them and it's like you're on a seesaw. You know what I'm saying? They're like [forces his mouth into an overbite again] 'Ugh, it feels so good. It feels so good.' 'Shut up!'
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Let me ask you a question...: the first time you fucked her, was she any good? Yeah? Now let me ask you another question: how do you think she got that way?
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Lets say you're fuckin', lets say you're fuckin', I dunno, you're fuckin' dog style right. Lets say you're fuckin' dog style, and the chick gets pregnant. I mean, uhhhhh would the kid pop out backwards? I dunno. I saw a girl walkin' around the street with a big hump on her back and I said, 'Eh, youz fuckin' dog style right?'
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And where the Japanese coming from? What is that? Didn't we drop 2 bombs on them a couple years ago? What was in those bombs, fertilizer? And they're the worst drivers; I mean, how do you drive with your eyes 3/4 closed? You could blindfold these people with dental floss, you don't give them keys to a car!
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I go into these all-night 24 hour convenience stores, they got people in there. People? Things. These aren't even people, they don't even have a language to things that work in there. You go in for soda, cigarettes. You're like, 'Yeah, how much? How much?' And they're like 'Eh gooey buck and dee! Ah gooey buck--' And I'm like, you fuckin' geek! Where do they grow you? What farm were you picked out of?
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I don't see too many faggots in Philly, you know? Out in L.A., Manhattan, you got 'em all over the place. Brooklyn we don't have any gay people. They're all dead.
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I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.
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They don't know if they wanna be called gays, homosexuals, fairies. I call 'em cocksuckers! I think that spells it out. They walk with that limp wrist. Their wrist aren't limp, they busted it from being on their hands and knees all night.
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Little Boy Blue...he needed the money!
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Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50! The fucking whore!
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Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack burnt off his fucking dick!
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There once was an old lady who lived in a shoe, She had so many kids her uterus fell out!
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Georgie Porgie Puddin' and Pie Jerked off in his girlfriend's eye When her eye was dry and shut Georgie fucked that one eyed slut!
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Twinkle, twinkle little star, How I wonder what you are. Shine upon the parking lot, As I eat my girlfriend's twat!
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Eenie meenie miney moe, Suck my dick and swallow slow!
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Peter Peter pumpkin eater, Had a wife, loved to beat her Smacked her twice across the head, Fucked her ass and went to bed!
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Hickory dickory dock, Some chick was sucking my cock. When the clock struck two, I blew my goo and dumped the bitch on the next block!
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Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner eating a pizza pie. He shit pepperoni, and blew his friend Tony Then wiped his mouth on his tie!
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Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, And sat down beside her and said, Hey, what's in the bowl bitch?
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Jack Spratt could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean. So Jack ignored her flabby tits, And licked her asshole clean!
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Mary, Mary quite contrary, Trim that pussy it's too damn hairy!
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Little Bo Peep fucked her sheep Blew her horse and licked his feet. She ate his asshole very nice, Tongued his balls not once, but twice!
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Three blind mice, see how they run. Where the fuck are they going?
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Patty cake, Patty cake Baker's man. If your chick's on her period Just fuck her in the can!
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Roses are red, Violets are blue. I fucked your mother's ass, And she had you!
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Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard To get her old dog a bone And when she bent over, Rover took over! He gave her a bone of his own
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Hickory Dickory Dock My balls fell out of my jock. I laid them to rest On some hooker's chest And paddled her face with my cock.
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Roll, roll, roll your cunt Gently down my prick. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Then you'll suck my dick.
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Hey diddle diddle, The cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon. That's more than my lazy wife does, The fat, fuckin' smelly baboon
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Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet A lightbulb was stuck up her ass. It woke up the spider Who lived deep inside her. He said 'Hey, free electric and gas.'
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Jack and Jill went up the hill And Jack would try to hump her. Jill said No / and Jack said So I'll ram it in your dumper.
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Twinkle twinkle little star, Will she blow me in the car. I bought her dinner, she had fun. My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.
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Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard To get her old dog a snack. The cupboard was bare, She didn't despair. She let Rover munch on her crack
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Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater. Whacked off in the movie theater. Sprayed his load across the screen And ruined Titanic's final scene
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Jack and Betty, up in a tree F-U-C-K-I-N-G First comes Betty, then comes Jack Then comes the goo from Betty's crack.
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Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top Your mother's a whore, I ain't your pop.
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Doe, a deer, a female deer. Ray, the guy that fucked her ass.
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Rub a Dub Dub Three men in a tub. Faggots have threesomes, too- So fuckin' what.
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Old Mother Goose... I fucked her.
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You gotta be happy when you wake up in the morning and look at what's next to ya. You wanna just hop on it again. That's how I feel. That's what life is about. Because when you leave the house, it's all misery anyway.
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My mother was the one who totally got behind me as far as, do things and ask questions later. My father would say, "I don't care how dirty you are up there, just be funny." Because they knew me offstage. They knew I was a good guy. They knew my whole plan of becoming the most exciting comedian, visually, ever. A real rock-and-roll stand-up comic.
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Comics, a lot of them, are really depressed people, and I happen to be somebody that does have a lot of confidence. That's the odd thing about my stand-up. I am very confident. I always was.
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Even as a stage performer, I have my garb which is leather jackets and black jeans to make me feel a certain way. The wardrobe is really important to feeling the character you're playing.
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I like when something makes you think after you stop watching.
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I like real girls. When they're in bed with you, it's not a show. They just want to do that.
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I do whatever I do. I go to the club. I work on material. While other people are sleeping, I'm awake. I always liked that. I like being able to drive when there's no traffic. It's almost like you own the street at night.
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Women today leave the house in animal prints and six inch stilettos, what does that say? I'm going to church? They're saying I want you to hang me by my tits from your ceiling and bite my ass. You know what I mean? That's what it says to me anyway.
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There are very few comics that understand about exciting the crowd, and that's what I always prided myself on: giving a more confident macho attitude towards delivering material.
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If you hide what you really are, then there's going to be problems in marriage down the road. I don't mind if a girl is aggressive. It's just sex.
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When you're at your own parents' funeral, when you're at somebody that you love's funeral, you realize how precious life is. And you say, "As long as I can walk and I'm healthy, there's always tomorrow."
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I might do cartoonish sexual jokes, but it's my way of saying what's going on in the world. How people are animals, really.
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Comics, as good as they might be, they didn't know much about performance. There aren't too many comics you could watch for an hour without getting tired. They might have good material, but it's about theater to me.
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I always believed you could fix whatever problems.
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Anybody can go onstage and be dirty. You have to be funny, that's the key. You can say anything as long as it's funny. You can't take it too seriously up there. And people coming to see you can't take it too seriously.
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I never became a recluse where I got away from people and who they are and how they think. I'm very much in touch with the world.
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All the subject matter I talk about isn't new; all comics talk about the same things. But it's how you talk about them or present them or what you look like up there that makes the difference between an okay comic and a great one.
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If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.
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When I do any stand-up, you're the writer, director, and producer. You're alone.
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I have no problem today letting people know I'm part of what they live. That's why I know about the things that make people the assholes they are. They have no choice but to be part of it.
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Anything that I wanted to do in my career that I wanted to do always worked out. The stuff I got talked into always failed. All the stuff I was talked into, by brilliant managers, because it always came down to, "Know how much money you'll make?" And then it would just fail.