Jerry Lawler Quotes

Jerry Lawler delivers witty, over-the-top jokes that play on wrestling drama and pop culture.

100 quotes

1. 'What!? Did you see that J.R.?'

2. 'She's so hot she'd make Clay Aiken go straight.'

3. 'His brain's on vacation..'

4. 'Kiss my feet!'

5. 'Why are you calling Trish a witch? She doesn't wear a pointy hat or ride a broomstick.' (Towards JR about then heel, Trish Stratus.)

6. 'It's the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today.. here it is.. OH NO!!!' (When The Rock faced Stone Cold Steve Austin for the title and had The People's Elbow reversed)

7. 'I'm gonna knock all your teeth out!'

8. 'Bow to the king!'

9. 'Evil will always triumph over good, because good is stupid.'

10. 'You're not the sharpest knife of the drawer.'

11. 'Why don't you go up there and wrestle, Shane?'

12. 'Her with all those curves and me with no brakes.'

13. 'Puppies!'

14. 'I asked Sunny if she would ever consider dating you. She said she would rather give birth to a porcupine on fire.'

15. 'If charisma were rain, Blackman would be a desert.'

16. 'If Shawn Michaels represents America's youth then I'm moving to Canada!' (Responding to Vince McMahon's statement that 'Shawn Michaels personifies the exuberance of America's youth' - Summerslam 1997)

17. 'Crash Holly's so short, you can see his feet on his driver's licence photo.'

18. 'Helen Hart is the only person I know with an autographed copy of the bible.'

19. 'It used to be that Ken Shamrock was the world's most dangerous man, but now he's the world's most dangerous speedbump.'

20. 'Look at the attention the Godfather's getting! Kick my leg, J.R.; kick me in the leg!' (After seeing the hos swarm over an injured Godfather.)

21. 'When David killed Goliath, Mae Young called the cops.'

22. 'You know J.R., obviously the only exercise you get is stretching the truth or jumping to conclusions.'

23. 'The last time J.R. saw a breast was in a Kentucky Fried Chicken basket.'

24. 'Mark Henry just walked in front of me, I thought it was an eclipse.'

25. 'I'm not a racist like Bret Hart, I hate everyone equally!'

26. 'Is that Paul Bearer's face, or did his butt grow a nose?'

27. Paul Bearer is so fat, he has his own gravitational pull!

28. 'Hey Finkel, the last time I saw something like you, I flushed it!'

29. 'Pat Patterson is so old, he still has a ticket stub from the original David and Goliath match.'

30. 'Mae Young's wrinkles have wrinkles.'

31. 'Women should be ob-scene and not heard.'

32. 'The older they get, the better they were.'

33. 'Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, he got baptized at SeaWorld.'

34. 'When God said 'Let there be light', Mae Young threw the switch.'

35. 'The Fabulous Moolah was a waitress at The Last Supper.'

36. 'Right now, he's more nervous than a pizza on the plate of Paul Bearer.'

37. 'Wow, J.R., that was a slobberknocker! I provided the slobber, they provided the knockers.'

38. 'There's something about Trish and I can't put my finger on it and I'd like to.'

39. 'You have diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain, J.R..'

40. 'Hey, look! The lights are on, but no one's home!'

41. 'Say goodnight!'

42. 'You got 450 pounds of dope that just walked into the ring.'

43. 'Women, can't live with em, no resale value!'

44. '(Wrestler's name) is down! He/She should be arrested for impersonating a punching bag!'

45. '[After the announcement that Bret Hart will be inducted into WWE Hall of Fame] Someone check the weather forcast in hell, cause it just froze over.'

46. 'Trish and Mickie make a pretty weird tag team. Trish is pretty and Mickie is weird.'

47. 'Chris Benoit's lying through his tooth.'

48. 'Latino Heat!'

49. 'There he goes!'

50. (At the ECW Arena) 'This bingo hall should be made out of toilet paper, because there nothing here but shit!'

51. (After Joey Styles quit RAW) 'You know, we brought Joey Styles up from the gutter and it looks like he just got homesick. Maybe Joey Styles would feel more at home in a bingo hall, kissing Paul Heyman's ass.'

52. 'ECW will always stand for Extreme Crappy Wrestling!'

53. 'You know, I hate to see her go - but I love watching her leave!'

54. 'Where does she get her ring attire...Victoria's secret?'

55. 'Thats it, he's dead..'

56. 'You can't do that! Thats Kevin Federline, Britney Spears' Husband!' (After John Cena F-Ued K-Fed On Raw)

57. 'Eric Bischoff is a damn disgrace to this show.'

58. 'Hey Bischoff, you've been throwing your weight around all night. I got an idea how about you be a real hands on General Manager and you and I have a match right here tonight! (To Eric Bischoff when he tried to put Jim Ross in a match with Chris Masters)

59. I think DX's motto is, 'Do unto others what you think is funny.' (On Saturday Night's Main Event during the DX vs. Spirit Squad 5-on-2 elimination match)

60. A couple of fans before the show told me that Lita took three pregnancy tests before she took her first driving test. (Survivor Series 2006, during Lita's final match in the WWE vs. Mickie James)

61. 'I heard Lita's stomach has a speedometer on it!'

62. 'That's the name of the game, JR, you gotta keep moving, no dog never peed on a moving car.'(on WWE Smackdown vs Raw 2008)

63. 'Get out of the ring Howard, these women aren't your type, they're not inflatable.' (to Howard Finkel, While King was hosting the Miss 2000 Royal Rumble Bikini Contest.

64. Here in this arena the San Jose Sharks of hockey play right?, well, Max Mini could play hockey in an ice cube, he's that small (About the midget's match at Royal Rumble 1998)

65. I heard that if Max Mini's team wins tonight he's going to use the money in a new car, those Hot Wheels are pretty expensive.

66. That was a move Stephanie didn't want to see. (After Triple H received a low blow at Armageddon 99)

67. Hey Bischoff, He's back! (To Eric Bischoff after Stone Cold Steve Austin returned at No Way Out 2003)

68. They're like a Christmas tie, loud and useless (about Spirit Squad)

69. Keep your words short and sweet, J.R, You may have to eat them later.

70. It's like watching a Chuck Norris Movie. (During a kicking match between MVP and Santino Marella)

71. Is that your face or did your neck throw up? (To a fan in the audience)

72. She can't sing, but who cares when she looks like that. She was actually walking in my sleep last night! (About Raw's resident 'pop diva' Jillian Hall)

73. She looks like my 4th Wife JR! (about Kelly Kelly)

74. That outfit make a statement: I have no taste.

75. oh holy hearing aid. to jilian singing on the 15 aniversery show

76. Edge is throwing those ladders around... well... like ladders!

77. I always think Jeff Hardy should wrestle with a crash helmet on.

78. Mr. McMahon has gone crazy. He just booked God in a tag team match.

79. [when the dudley boys do a reverse 3-D] oh my god, its like a reverse 3-D. what is it a D-3

80. Wait a minute, the Hardy Boyz don't dance, they dive off top ropes! They're daredevils , not dancers! (Before the Hardyz and Lita danced with Too Cool)

81. Get that strait jacket that Heidenreich had and put it on Lita!

82. In this day and time, with no competition you are really walking a tightrope. I mean you may think that no competition is good, but in reality no competition is really bad.

83. What's twelve inches long and hangs in front on ass, Mankind's tie.

84. A little sex on TV never hurt anyone...unless you fall off!

85. I've been here for nine years, and over that time, these people have become like my family.

86. The only reason Jake 'The Snake' Roberts doesn't drink and drive anymore is because he is afraid he might hit a bump and spill his drink.

87. Speaking of birthday suits, I think Mae Young's needs ironing!

88. Being a 3-time Intercontinental champion doesn't make you a great wrestler, just like Larry King having 9 wives don't make him a great husband.

89. You know how I impress girls at the gym? I do pull ups: I pull up in a Corvette, in a Cadillac, and in a Mercedes.

90. When you were born and your mom saw your face and your rear end, she said "Oh! Siamesse Twins!"

91. Is he dancing or having a seizure?

92. Jake 'The Snake's' two best friends are Jim Beam & Jack Daniels.

93. Paul Bearer has more chins than a Chinese phone book!

94. Mark Henry is so strong he eats steak with a spoon.

95. Gyrating J.R., pretty darn good!

96. If at first you don't succeed, see if there is a prize for the losers.

97. Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call her when I meet the women of my dreams.

98. How could Triple H EVER be mad, how could he EVER have a bad day? How would you like to be married to her?! Wake up in a wonderful mood every morning. I mean, look at that!

99. It's almost like while you are working for the WWF everything is fine and good, but if you are no longer employed by them they want you to just drop off the face of the earth and it's like you never existed.

100. Jim Ross you're a fine one to talk about how someone is dressed.