Simon Amstell Quotes

Simon Amstell's collection is slyly funny, perfect for anyone who enjoys sharp takes on media and belief.

39 quotes

1. You just threw cheese at Sam & Mark. Don't you think they've suffered enough?!

2. Come on, people, it's fucking Christmas!

3. From all of us here, whichever religion you are, remember, only one can be right, so...let's have a war! Happy Christmas!

4. Penny Smith: Spitting... it would never happen on GMTV. Simon Amstell: Nothing happens on GMTV.

5. Jordan's third favourite tit and second favourite twat - it's Peter Andre!

6. Simon Amstell: So Penny, you used to do a fashion column for the Daily Mail, didn't you? Penny Smith: Yes I've done many strange things in my time. Simon Amstell: So what does one wear to a lynching?

7. Donny Tourette: This is what I think of you. (fondles crotch) Simon Amstell: Really? You think me a, a small penis? Well I never.

8. (about Preston walking out) If people start turning their backs on comedy, and walking off panel shows, then the terrorists have won.

9. I like everything. You know everything? I like it. You know all books? I like them all.

10. (about Bonnie Tyler being slightly tipsy on Nevermind the Buzzcocks) 'Shall we pump her stomach? I don't know what to do!'

11. If you have some problem in your life and you need to deal with it then use religion it's fine. I use Google.

12. 'Love music. Love racism.'

13. Hello, 50 Cent here. People say my music is gratuitously violent and misogynistic - but what they don't realise is that I'm just talking about where I'm from. And where I'm from, everybody's a vile millionaire rapper and all woman are rubbish sluts.

14. I think if people could watch 'Benjamin' and then remember it, that would be great.

15. My mum makes me laugh a lot.

16. I've always felt that comedy doesn't just come from misery. It comes from an absurdity around that misery.

17. I quite like being cheeky and naughty.

18. The first time I got into therapy was when I was 29 - it's always when I'm about to hit a number. There's a feeling that comes along like, 'I can get older, as long as I don't carry on being the same person.' It's like shedding a skin.

19. I am more interested in finding peace than upsetting anyone.

20. If you are somebody who is going to at some point be revealed as not like everyone else, then to be in an insular community is a problem.

21. I got my first job in television when I was 18, on the kids' cable channel Nickelodeon, introducing the 'Rugrats' and other programs. It was really thrilling.

22. Everything I try to do is about slaying that dragon of shame.

23. If I'd have been really good at dancing as a kid, if I'd have achieved more than my certificate in preparatory tap, then that would have been my thing.

24. I don't feel broken anymore.

25. If you are the sort of comedian who's interested in sort of the mundane, then there's something in that and then it's wonderful to take the opportunity to discuss the mundane, and when people do that well, it's beautiful.

26. I watched a film called 'Earthlings' years ago and it helped to upset me into veganism, so I thought what I could do was direct a film that was funny about the same subject so that people could watch it and feel wildly entertained as well as feeling mildly upset.

27. You can't think your way to being in love, or able to be loved. However, intellect is also useful for things like understanding books.

28. As a teenager, I found a lot of courage through people on the television being funny or subversive.

29. I've stopped doing things that aren't clear comedy gigs - to do something that's not "comedy night," it's a difficult thing. People have to be given permission to laugh. You need to know it's comedy; otherwise you might just think I'm a man talking out loud.

30. As I was about to turn 40, I realised it wasn't going to be possible to carry on being in my 30s. And that was a major crisis!

31. I think everything I have ever done has been an attempt to reach a hand out to my teenage self and tell him he is OK.

32. I know that telling the truth frees me of shame and anxiety.

33. I was a really weird child.

34. What I discovered about myself is that I really like being in charge.

35. If there's anything to be said in a broad way about different audiences it's that I live in a major city, and those themes of isolation, protectiveness, loneliness tend to resonate with other people in major cities.

36. I've solved aspects of myself.

37. The reason it's satisfying for me to write and perform stand-up is because I get to find out who I am. There's a healing aspect to doing it.

38. Everything needs to be questioned. I have no trust for anything that's regarded as 'the way things are supposed to be.'

39. By saying the thing that I'm most embarrassed about on stage, I end up witnessing the fact that it isn't a problem. People don't usually walk out, when I say the thing that I'm deeply ashamed of.