403 Phil Hendrie Quotes

Phil Hendrie serves funny, sly commentary on humor, media, and communication.

You need to have the courage to say to your wife, get in there and make me some bean dip.
#1
Aw get a piece of fat and slide off
#2
That's bitchen!
#3
Careful Granny you might pop something
#4
I hope your car sails over two medians, clears all traffic, lands in a huge empty lot and bursts into flames like something out of fallback (Angry at Bob Greene for going 45 MPH in the fast lane and for making a pregnant girl miss her exit and have a miscarriage on the side of the road).
#5
I hope the next time you pull a stunt like that, that you lose control of your car, it goes through 3 medians and bursts into flames far away from anybody else that may be on the road (still angry at Bob Greene).
#6
Yeah, is this some kind of joke? (To character, when caller claims the character is a just a joke)
#7
If you are serious that you have breasts that weigh ten pounds a piece then I'd like to get together with you.
#8
I'm Grant Foster for public television - Where a hundred people work so thirty can watch.
#9
Do you realize that every day there's a guy gettin' fired for stuff that we do, that nobody notices because it's a funny voice doing it?
#10
If ever there was a show invented in the history of the world that could rightfully say, when they replay a show, 'This is the best,' I think it's ours.
#11
There's no other way to look at the war in Iraq than the way that I look at it, which is it's a totally correct move. There's no other way to look at it. It's the right thing to do, it's got nothing to do with being a republican or democrat, it's just the smartest thing we could've done.
#12
Two things that'll never happen in this country; two things that will never, ever, ever, ever happen in this country: Gun control and abortion being made illegal. Don't even worry about, aint gonna happen. Abortion will be legal 'til the end of time and you'll never be able to pry the gun from the cold dead fingers of any jackass who wants to own one.
#13
I don't know why I gotta apologize for the politics I do on my show, but I've got so many people that dig the comedy of the show, but they're so stupid when it comes to everything else, so what am I supposed to do? If you like how funny I am, you're gonna have to listen to how smart I am, too. You're just going to have to do that, because nobody can be as funny as I am without also being extremely intelligent.
#14
Don't ever mistake this: as much as you love that man that you're living with right now; as much as you love your boyfriend; as much as you admire the men in your life... whether you understand them or not-- and most women don't understand men, they'll tell you they do, they don't-- always remember this, that, while we all normal, healthy men would disaprove of what Gary did, crawling into an outhouse and taking pictures out through the toilet hole...... way deep down... we get it.
#15
Brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints
#16
And if you try anything funny, anything cute, then oh boy, I will hunt you down and find you and come to your house...and weep. Like I'm your gay lover. 'Why don't you open the door, Barry?!?!'
#17
The city of Seattle exists so we won't ever be completely happy in America.
#18
The whole MP3 thing sucks a loaaaaaad of Chinamen.
#19
Number 2 is Angelina Jolie...will you give it up with her too? The more I read about that woman, the less I want to...you know...yeah...see, there comes a time when a man says she's really hot but will I come away with a disease? That's my question...that's my question and I have to ask it...you know? (04/12/2006-Hour 3-While reading FHM's 100 Sexiest Women of 2006)
#20
Mmm-hmm. Fascinating.
#21
Is it customary for dead people to crank call?
#22
This is Coast to Coast Overnight AM/PM Minimart.
#23
But first, an exciting new product from Peenman Enterprises!
#24
What was that about, Ross? You are a freak, you're scaring me.
#25
They are on our website, www.thingsscaremeundermybed.com, just go there now...
#26
Well, another program proving absolutely nothing. Proving that UFOs don't exist, that there isn't an extra dimension and there are no flying saucers or little green men. Yes, another Coast to Coast AM that can't prove a freaking thing.
#27
If you haven't heard the news - and I have been answering e-mails and I have been online in chatrooms and I have been on a HAM radio set and I wandered out into the desert and retrieved two carrier pigeons from some friends of mine that live up in an old silver mine - everyone's talking about it.
#28
You know that certain things have been happening. I have had certain unexplained events near my bunker complex in Nevada and what I'm about to say to you is a culmination of all of it - the unexplained phenomenon, the migraine headaches, the voices, seeing things moving through my room at night, dark shapes forming out of the desert sand, dark broodings, mysterious noises, aliens, Area 51, anal probing.
#29
Both Hitler and Jesus cranked me.
#30
I'm not really a general, ya know?
#31
They're dusting the hot-seat off for me!
#32
Pigeons lie, they lie through their freakin' beaks.
#33
They sent the jungle rot to my crotch via the internet.
#34
This is highly irregular-- I thought I was talking to a frozen embryo.
#35
God, I'm gonna kill. I'm gonna kill slow and I'm gonna kill thoroughly.
#36
We only have two more days to protect our crotches and assorted genetalia.
#37
Goddamn the Warner Brothers to hell for giving Marvin the Martain the raygun.
#38
I don't know what you're laughting about, Bell, but you've laughed at me for the last time.
#39
I've never seen anything like it before in my life and I've worked with the CIA, KGB...I was also an Explorer Scout.
#40
The best thing that we can hope for is that the Earth stops spinning, then the Mir spacecraft falls on Cameron Manheim.
#41
I'm in Canada, obviously, because my life's been threatened directly by Al Gore. He's always hated me because I invented the Internet.
#42
I used to work for the Central Intelligence Agency until they dummied up some files noting that I had some sort of, as they thought, 'Paranoid Schizophrenia,' of course it was all them that were thinking that. They're the ones that put that into my file and had me bounced out of the CIA.
#43
I have to tell your listeners that Frosty the Snowman is the most frightening phenomenon of the extra dimension. You can talk about the Abominable Snowman, you can talk about UFOs, all of these things, but when Frosty looks at you with those big coal eyes of his, and he goes to work at you with that carrot nose? No sir-- no sir, no sir, no sir.
#44
Art Bell is full of crap.
#45
East of the Rockies, go away.
#46
West of the Rockies dial, oooh... I forget.
#47
And now, Coast to Coast AM/PM is on the air.
#48
Yes, Art Bell, one of the great cosmic freaks.
#49
Art hired me because I have balls the size of the Liberty Bell.
#50
And now it's time for Coast to Coast with Art Bell and the same sorry ABBA song.
#51
And now... Coast to Coast with Art Bell. I'm Ross Mitchell. I'm a former member of ABBA.
#52
If you're calling from South America, good for you.
#53
If you're calling from the North Pole, you must be Santa Claus.
#54
If you're calling west of the rockies, make sure you have a telephone.
#55
If you're using a touchtone phone, you're SOL. Only rotary calls tonight.
#56
If you're calling from...oh, if you're just calling, here's the number: 1-800-ART.
#57
If you're calling from west of the Rockies... I told you not to, didn't I? Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?
#58
For all of you assholes calling from west of the Rockies, which includes Boston and the United Kingdom, dial...
#59
For all of you assholes calling from east of the Rockies, which includes Peru and California, dial...
#60
West of the Rockies, don't bother. East of the Rockies... okay. South of the Rockies, north of the Rockies... under the Rockies...... whatever.
#61
To call Art Bell, you first have to have phone service in your cabin... and remember the Art Bell Show doesn't accept phone calls from phones that you have to crank.
#62
To call Art: West of the Rockies, just pick up your phone and dial 'Art'; East of the Rockies, dial 'Bell'; South of the Rockies... well that would be Mexico, wouldn't it?
#63
For those of you calling from Madagascar or Bakersfield, that number again 1-800-520-1534 that number once again 1-213-427-7266 that number once again 1-213-427...7...uh...uh...3...I forget...
#64
And I'm Ross Mitchell. I quit. This has been Coast to Coast with Art Bell... trying to prove that little people live in the middle of a hurricane. Je-eeee-sus!
#65
How 'bout a gut check and a neck snap?
#66
What happens if I give you a boot to the head and counter-act that with a block-and-roll?
#67
What about a high left, kick fake to the right chop and a power-right fist? Man, you are dead, dead, dead.
#68
(said repeatedly) I'm Ted Bell.
#69
Ohhhhhhh. I'm an A-hole...
#70
How could you let that Kraut on?
#71
I'm Ted Bell, I make rules, I don't follow rules.
#72
Ma'am, simple question: How do you take your meat?
#73
Hey, come watch football with us in our Prime Rib Room!
#74
Kelly is 16 and she knows solar systems that I don't know.
#75
Getting diarrhea from a steak is like savoring the finish on a wine.
#76
Phil, you told me if I got a radio show, I'd get more ass than a rental car.
#77
Its a Ted with a little Sirley Temple on top. You get it? Its me with Shirley Temple on...
#78
I had a guy yesterday pull into the restaurant in a Ford Escort. You want me to valet that?
#79
Okay, that does it: You are out of Ted's of Beverly Hills, you'll never get a seat in my place.
#80
I'm Ted Bell. And you go straight to the place where the Devil lives and has sex and makes little Devils.
#81
My name is Ted Bell, its an Anglo-Saxon name...not Persian, m'kay? You understand? Not Arabian.
#82
No father alive can keep me away from his daughter once I've set my sights on her and want to be friends with her.
#83
If you hang up on me again, Phil, you'll see exactly what an Austrain village square looks like...from an aerial perspective.
#84
(After not paying attention to the caller) I'm sorry, Phil, I've got an emergency. We have a baked potato festival coming up on Sunday.
#85
Phil, I have a private jet. He's standing there telling this girl he flies first class... I'm Ted Bell. I have a private jet. He's not impressing anybody.
#86
(On why rich people should be exempt from security)You know that Atta guy? He wasn't sitting in first class okay? Just before he cooked that airplane into the World Trade Center, he wasn't having a Momosa and a bagel with cream cheese, okay?
#87
I'm offering people an opportunity to ride in my Z3 - weekends only - I'll give you a ride around Beverly Hills, I'll pull up in front of some of the stores on Rodeo and give people the impression you can afford to shop there, at $200 an hour.
#88
C'mon down to Ted's of Beverly Hills Steakhouse, I want to tell you its a very classy experience; we'd like you to wear a suitcoat if you wouldn't mind. We have had a high incidence of cardigan sweaters. Please look like you belong in our restaurant when you come to our restaurant, we'll give you a great steak...
#89
It is necessary for me to drink and drive.
#90
Phil, there is not one conservative negro.
#91
Trent Lott is an unreconstructed cracka'.
#92
Do you know how much a black man has to drink to sleep with Reba McEntire?
#93
I have to tell you this- listening to you for the last ten minutes, I have the desire to pull my underwear off and jam them in your mouth.
#94
The Wiccan Religion stabs a chicken like a football....
#95
Sir I'm driving 26,000 pounds of Detroit Steel.
#96
Okay, That tears it!
#97
Rrrryyaaahh! I'm off of hold again.
#98
That's right, we'd sodomize a man.
#99
You know what? You burn me up more than a baseball-sized hemorrhoid.
#100
Don't tell me about impulse control, sir. How much impulse control should I have when a million Chinese are coming over a hill after me.
#101
You know, it's almost worth it to me to go out and commit spree killings so that when I die I can go to Hell and watch the Devil roast you.
#102
It's almost worth it to me to go out and set fire to an orphanage so that God damns me to Hell so I can have a front row seat as they cook you like a hot nut.
#103
I did three years in the Korean War, sir.
#104
I was up to my neck in Mr. Spock haircuts.
#105
I was up to my eyebrows in bowl haircuts.
#106
You know, both of you guys can drop down, 4th ring and cook.
#107
I will tear your eyes out and I will have sex with your skull.
#108
You tell 'em hard on.
#109
I gotta rock, I gotta rock, good sweet Christ do I gotta rock.
#110
What do you think of me fighting my way off the hold button?
#111
My daddy put a gun to my head, I did it to my son and he does it to his.
#112
Buddy, you put your hands on me and you'll pull back two bloody stumps.
#113
Yo, dawg, I gotta rock my nizzle. That's hot, as Paris Hilton would say.
#114
Sorry I wasn't breaking bread with the President, I was up to my neck in bowl haircuts.
#115
I find it interesting that a woman whose parent named her after a Star Wars character...
#116
What's this Canadian doin' on the phone, okay, they haven't launched anything higher than a balloon.
#117
I didn't fight in Korea just for me to come and have them kick me in the groin with a bunless hamburger.
#118
I'm sorry that I threw a cat at a man's head, but he tossed me a bone, and a man doesn't do that to a Korean War veteran.
#119
I just let this surf freak-- I just let this beach bum here know: he ever grabs a phone out of my hands and he'll come back with just a wrist. No hand, just a wrist.
#120
I hope that when you die the Devil has got the gate open for you, doesn't even worry about checkin' with God on that one. I don't think the Devil should check with God. I think he should just know the gate should be open.
#121
You don't put a Chinaman in front of a Korean War Veteran and expect him to stay calm and collected.
#122
I fought in Korea so you can sit there, looking at yourself with no underwear on.
#123
You turd in a muffler and a cheap hat!
#124
Sitting in the carseat like a little miniature Winston Churchill is his little fat, bald kid - you might as well put a cigar in his puss - and he's in the carpool lane, Mr. Hendrie, and the kid don't drive; that's the point I'm trying to make.
#125
See, Steelworth, he can't wait to see me foaming at the mouth and barking at the moon, as he's one of these W-W-2 boys, and he's got a Japanese carbine rifle that he pulled off a dead Jap, and he'd love to plug me right between the eyes. Well guess what? His cat already did it!
#126
Step on a crack!
#127
Kiss my bright red rosie.
#128
I wanna be the King of America!
#129
I wanna be the King of the Candy Castle!
#130
I was sleep-raped.
#131
Are you calling me a pussy?
#132
Ma'am have you ever taken one off the chin?
#133
Has somebody been working in your backyard?
#134
You don't know combat 'til crap runs down your leg.
#135
(To veteran) Do-do you watch reruns of China Beach?
#136
You know something? I'm sorry that you didn't get raped.
#137
Oh, now I get it. You think I was battling my pony, now is it?
#138
I'll say it right now to your face that the Pope's a damn butt pirate.
#139
She's got a cheap cell phone and the host left and now I'm all alone. sigh
#140
The next time you meet a guy online, make sure you send a picture of how fat you are...
#141
(referring to Cupids) The small babies that can hurt you? I don't know, I'm not familiar.
#142
We're hoping to get car washes to put up a sign that says, 'THIS CAR WASH CAN CAUSE FEAR.'
#143
I'd like to say Roy Rogers would've given up Trigger for the western wedding outfit I had on.
#144
Ma'am, does your e-mail carry a...able to carry a big enough file to fit a picture of you in it?
#145
Oh, okay, so sticking my head in the oven isn't bad enough, you guys want me to turn it up to broil.
#146
You've got three people dirt nappin' because of the Mark of The Beast and I'm insane? J-Jesus, what a stupid bitch.
#147
I think its a disgrace that Mr. Gibbons is using our handsome Almighty Lord to win himself a People's Choice Award or whatever.
#148
Who do you think deserves a purple heart, your daddy for gettin' a box on him or me for takin' a paintball off the gonad sack?!
#149
(About an overweight woman) What came through the door that night at the Applebee's in Knoxville, Tennessee was big enough to scare me.
#150
She has not won a case yet for me and we've sued, probably, in the last three years... several hundred people, but this one-- god, I feel so good about it.
#151
Uh, Brandy, it sounds like you're giving me alot of crap and yet somebody wrote a song about you. You heard of that? Yeah? Well, you don't deserve it; you don't deserve it at all.
#152
We're going to give the Catholic Church a wake-up call when Steve Bosell gets probed in the butt, they're gonna wish they get into another religion, maybe become Jewish or something.
#153
The Altadena Dairy Corporation of America needs to make it known that they're making a sharp Vermont chedder than makes people bleed from the butt and think they've been sleep-raped.
#154
I'm also suing for emotional kidnapping because when she yelled, 'Get the g-d car out of there', it kidnapped my son's good feeling for me and replace it with my son thinking I'm a pussy.
#155
At my church that's what they say, 'Today, we offer our condolences to the Berger family; they rolled a three. Its very sad and tr-tragic, but that's what happens when you don't wear a seatbelt.'
#156
(On kids' Halloween police costumes) Its dark. Its night. You see lights. They bounce off the badge. You think its for real. They wear the hat that looks just like the kind on 'Car 54, Where Are You?' or whatever and the black pants...this is what I'm afraid of.
#157
(About Jay Leno) He's a strange man. He's a strange man with strange cars. He'll dri-drive down the street waving at you behind the wheel of a Stanley Steamer. He-he's a-a strange man.
#158
(To caller) Let me ask you, didn't you find Jesus at the Last Supper in the Passion of the Jesus to be very hot an-and sexy?
#159
Helluva thing in a man's life when you're all crippled up, can't take your babygirl out there on the dance floor there at the gymnasium. I can hear the song now...'Oops, I did it again...' (sobs) Goddang it!
#160
I dont know if you've ever seen a coyote, but let me tell ya, its hard to hold your mud.
#161
The only way that you can save your soul is to go to the Vatican and shag the Pope.
#162
She is a la la la liar!
#163
Semper Fi!
#164
Great show as always!
#165
Uh, let me think...NOT!
#166
Goddamn! That's so disguszoid!
#167
I'm psycho, and so are my bros.
#168
I'm sittin' here backed up and blue.
#169
When it gets tough, I go to the rifle!
#170
You can't expose me to the gayability.
#171
Basic training just rolls off my knife!
#172
You mess with the best, you die like the rest!
#173
(To caller with deep voice) Are you Johnny Cash?
#174
Which word would you die for, freedom or poontang?
#175
I got thrown out of the Cub Scouts. I ate a brownie.
#176
When I go to Iraq I'll be a one-man killing machine.
#177
Tell me where it says 'Bone Smoker' in the Constitution.
#178
This girl sounds like her tubes are tying themselves together.
#179
You're just one more son of a bitch in a long line of son of bitches!
#180
Freedom's important, but if I'm gonna die for a word, my word is poon-tang.
#181
I've had my butt kicked six ways of sunset and I'm gonna call that guy 'sir'?
#182
(To caller) Don't you think being a Weebloe will encourage a kid to bone-smoke?
#183
You don't know what its like to have a plastic ball in your sack. Yeah. Check that out!
#184
Gay Boy Scouts simply means the opening of the door of opportunity to gays in the Boy Scouts.
#185
(on James Doohan having a baby at 80 years old) We're taking odds on whether the kid's Mongo or not!
#186
I think a Marine that went to Iraq should be allowed to have a beer, because of what you've seen!
#187
You take a kid that has Playstation 2, a RAZR scooter, DVD players, his own computer...what a candyass.
#188
You went to Tijuana to see the donkey show! Why don't you back me up instead of pretending you're all outraged!
#189
Hey did your [Iraq soldier] husband say he bayoneted nobody? ... It's a pretty sure bet he almost bayonetted someone.
#190
I'm ready to eat my guts for my country and for civilians like you, and you call me a disgrace? Boy, that tears it!
#191
Any woman that bumps into a guy must be tryin' him on for size, and let me tell ya something, I make a very tight fit.
#192
A face on her that'd make a freight train take a dirt road.
#193
We're ooh-rah. We're ready to fight and die for this country. But first, we want to smoke dope and shoot heroin.
#194
The biggest difference between sleeping with a girl and guy are the boobs - they're generally larger on a girl person.
#195
Britney Spears got those ta-tas, man, bodacious as all get out, lookin' fine, butt's real nice, and I'm not even supposed to be grippin' the pony on Main Street.
#196
(On gays in the Boy Scouts) If they're successful in turning kids gay, there won't be no sex that makes kids and there won't be no kids left; that's something we got to look at as the future of the country.
#197
I'm gay.
#198
You know I'm gay?
#199
I could be a gay James Bond.
#200
I'm a gay man and a gay journalist.
#201
I frolicked out of the closet and found my Gay Eye.
#202
(Sir, would you put your cigarette out?) I'm gay. Now do you want me to put it out?
#203
They wanna enable Marc Cherry and the coven of gays that infest the offices of ABC.
#204
If I get my name on a Desperate Housewives show, it says, 'Doug Dannger, comma, gay.'
#205
I wanna get right up into an insurgeants nest and watch as the bullets seer through their faces... through the back of their heads and through another guys face.
#206
You know what? I'll kick her ass around the block for drill and her husband, too, then I'll knock down the back door, kick her doberman pinscher in the teeth and have her cook me an omelette.
#207
If you don't want to see people flopping around like fish in the aisles and out on the sticky floors of these movie theaters, then I would suggest that people start doing what we tell them to do as film critics.
#208
I bought a candy bar from the mongoloid here at the airport and I'll convert to being a Presbyterian if I can get a crop duster out of here.
#209
We ain't like no show on the KY-Jelly!
#210
Oh, no, not the face, Phil. I have a photo shoot for Campbell's Soup this afternoon!
#211
Do you think there's a sign where the chickens live that says, 'Don't choke the chicken' ?
#212
'You know, they should make a wax statue of you and put you next to Carrol Channing at the Wax Museum' -Bud Dickman (Talking to Phil, Dec 15, 2004 Hour 3)
#213
I don't understand.
#214
Mmmm-hmmm.... (repeatedly - and loudly - said while a caller speaks, much to their chagrin)
#215
Are you for real?
#216
Sweet Christ on a sled!
#217
Sweet Christ in a carseat!
#218
Woman up. Butch up. (deep man voice) JESUS.
#219
Phil, this is character assasination.
#220
You can go straight to the living hell.
#221
Phil, children are getting chopped uuuuup.
#222
Do your daughters wax? Do they Playboy wax?
#223
If you were here, you wouldn't have any eyes left.
#224
(to her friend) See, you can look thin even though you're not.
#225
(arguing with a caller) No, you're a liar. Liar. I hate you so deeply.
#226
I'm very hip, I'm very 'now'. I get it- I'm 'with it', the kids think I'm cool.
#227
I'll tell you what, when you're me, you give me a call. Until then, you're not me.
#228
If my uncle had wheels and pedals, he'd be a bicycle. We really can't engage in 'if's.
#229
(referring to her friend's hairy children) Phil, it looked like Playground of the Apes.
#230
Honey, try wearing a thong. Then you don't have to worry about all those panty lines.
#231
My father worked in the circus. He was a circus clown. And my mother was a prostitute.
#232
Oh, you're sitting there staring at your cheaply manicured nails in your Ford Taurus...
#233
How are you going to feel when your daughter's hair is being used to stuff some pervert's pillow?
#234
You know what you look like to me with your good bag and your bad shoes? You look like a ruuube.
#235
You don't park a group of retards near a road and expect them not to be nailed by a flying Dodge Durango.
#236
I told her to sit down and shut her mouth. Phil, she's my best friend and I feel I can be direct with her.
#237
Its almost like walking up to Adolf Hitler if you're Jewish and saying, 'nice moustache.' You're just asking for it.
#238
(About making love with her husband) We sang Onward Christian Soldier, Phil, he took me like a virgin at the prison rodeo.
#239
(to a caller) If you were here right now I'd have to drop you. I dropped that woman at the Homeowner's Association meeting and I'll do the same to you. What's your address?
#240
Phil, I was standing there in a bannana-yellow pantsuit, watching this child dancing around me, laughing like a fool, and I was thinking, are you for real? I felt like I was in a Bergman film about idiot children.
#241
Phil, her husband is a bit of a loser. (drops her voice) Can I tell you something? Her husband is black. They have a child together, this child has black skin and flaming red hair, like Bozo the Clown. He scares people, he frightens the other children.
#242
Some women are married to losers. I guess I just got lucky when I met Steve, I just got lucky. I see some of these women with their husbands in the grocery store and I have to laugh. I mean, imagine choosing him over living in a 150-home gated community. I just have to laugh.
#243
A long time ago, before I really pulled my life together, I was a prostitue; I got involved in a lot of dangerous things. One of them was a nightly Russian Roulette game, and we thought it was fun, we were coked out of our minds, we drank a lot, I was the champ-- for a solid year I played Russian Roulette. Did you ever see Deer Hunter with Christopher Walken? That's what I looked like.
#244
I walked in the back door and saw Amanda, my daughter, with a piece of chocholate cake and shoving it from the palm of her hand into her mouth, and...and I had been outside raking leaves, and i hit her with the rake and knocked it out of her hand and said 'How Dare You?' Thats how much I love her. Thats really how much I love her.
#245
If you're on a luxury cruise ship, and a gentleman passenger commits suicide and jumps off the ship - he didn't fall off, he didn't slip, he didn't trip, it wasn't an accident - he purposely jumped off the side of the cruise ship with the sole intention of ending his life by suicide, do you bring the ship to a dead stop, reverse the screws as they like to say - back up that ship and search for that man, even if it means inconveniencing passengers who had their hearts set on the Dutch Antillies?
#246
Oh, you gonna tell me you can't clone off Jesus now?
#247
Chinamen are really good at ping pong because of their horizontal sight, they see the whole net.
#248
I did a little promo work for a show called Africa Nowwwwwww...that's how they have me say it.
#249
Phil, I've been listening to you badgering me for the past two years and I just have to ask you, do you want me to buy my own Vasaline and spread it, too?
#250
(about Chinese eyes) I'm talking about the fact they have slits for eyes, man, all they see is net... their vertical vision is about an inch, but their horizontal vision-- it goes on and on and on, and on and on, and there's science to prove on it, too. For instance, you and me, we look at the world basically television shape, okay, the Chinese look at it: letterbox!
#251
That's bitchin.
#252
What in the hell are you talkin about?
#253
I ain't yellow.
#254
Get in there and make me some bean dip!
#255
The guy owes me $6.80 for a footlong tuna with extra pickle
#256
Both of you gentleman can go straight down to the hot spot.
#257
And I suppose you're an expert from watching F-Troop, I gather?
#258
If you were in my class I'd put you in the corner for sounding like Porky Ding-dang Pig.
#259
Mr. Hendrie, you call me an idiot one more time and you better smile when you say that.
#260
Even if you're a blind guy who wants to be clean, you're gonna miss the toilet someday, ya know?
#261
You know how they separate the men from the boys in Greece, Phil? With a crowbar. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh:
#262
All you need to know about America is we invented the A-Bomb, and let me tell you what, if I had a...ooooh...
#263
All a bird does is sit in that cage and stares at itself in the mirror all day, now that's pretty egotisical.
#264
(To caller with Southern accent) Let me ask you something, how are things up there in Cold Mountain?
#265
I wonder how much of an animal lover you'd be if you had a parrot sitting at your house calling you a bulldyke.
#266
Go straight to the Third Ring, fouth pit over, we'll go ahead and get a big igniter for ya as soon as we free up one of the demons.
#267
We have found that religion only turns people dumb. For instance, in Mexico, there's a whole lotta Catholics and there's a whole lotta dumb.
#268
Why am I sitting here about to get eight million volts through my body? Why am I that black guy on The Green Mile with no water in the sponge?
#269
Hey, I'm going to ask that girl to marry me, get her over to my apartment in Tarzana, do the do and the funky chicken too, and then tomorrow morning we're off to Monterrey.
#270
Not only can I touch your car, but I can take a lathe, an acetylene torch, a pair of pliers, and a ball tine hammer and have that in about 150 different pieces in fifteen minutes; that's how gooooood I am.
#271
(performing his dancing moves) Now, you move very delicately, do a little bit of a flutter kick, now, what that is I lift up my right leg and kind of flutter it at the judges, then I do a little spin, I lay out and show the blouse, press my lips, squint my eyes, spin and turn. Now, I do what's called 'Working the Pants.'
#272
Please shut your mouth.
#273
Do you super-size?
#274
Koreans are the ones that have a hard-on for everyone.
#275
Everytime I turn around there's an American waddling into a Rallys.
#276
The Asian people feed the Blacks pork food so they can beat them in war.
#277
I know the essential rule of the Constitution of Egypt, which is: Keep your mouth shut, do your job and just keep your mouth shut.
#278
I beg your pardon?
#279
The rights of women are being trampled by George Bush.
#280
If Fat Joe were dead, he couldn't attract a female fly.
#281
Eat your One-a-Day and drink your Metamucil and hush up.
#282
Every single person that mentions this person 'Hitler' hangs up on me!
#283
Phil, screw you and your Nazi friends; we're now going to sing a folk song.
#284
I'm talking of giving him myself in a very animal way, and its not for money.
#285
I'm Margaret from Bal Harbour.
#286
Tell the Jew we're out of brisket.
#287
You think I'm kind of a funny little man, don't you?
#288
Phil, the racism of George Lucas is very well documented. He went to school with the blacks and one of them tried to sell him a bag of oregano instead of pot. So he made Jar Jar Binks.
#289
I got where I am by the skin of my teeth and the sweat of my... everything; I sweat everywhere.
#290
You tell the lesbians Bob Green is coming and hell follows!
#291
Whenever you think of hair, think of me, Bob Green.
#292
Ma'am,If you have a degre then my name is Malcolm X
#293
If a plane's gonna crash, I want to be there to take a picture of it.
#294
I'm a pilot, Phil, and you can take this to the bank: you can't fly the Concorde when the wing's on fire.
#295
She had the audacity to order corn on the cob on the first date... so this woman is now out of my life.
#296
GEEEEEEEEEEEZ!
#297
Did you hit the retard?
#298
This is Darth Hall, I'm out.
#299
The FCC is dusting off the hot seat for me!
#300
Will you get this old Jew off the phone, quick, and let's go to another call?
#301
(to a caller) I'm the Vice President of Syndication. Which means I'm God and you're an ant.
#302
Bud, I'm giving you the the big shot here, because Hendrie blew it with all those phoney-baloney voices.
#303
I'm the guy that introduced innovation into radio. I'm the guy that brought you Laura, brought you Rush, brought you Glenn Beck, brought you-- all these guys, whoever the hell-- Jim Beck, Glenn Rome-- I forget. All of these guys add up to one thing, and that one thing is David G. Hall, who has innovated this business to the point where people don't even recognize it anymore.
#304
Its gonna be 85 degrees, they're not gonna allow any cold beer...why don't you just go ahead and turn on a garbage disposal and shove a child's hand into it, 'cause that's the same thing.
#305
You whore! We're 800 miles off of course!
#306
What? My landing gear's still down and my tires are crooked? Ah, screw it, I'm bringing it in anyway.
#307
Why can't I do the simulation at my house? I can be at level six, and it keeps me away from my mom, who is very stupid.
#308
And I will do anything, even give up the predilection that I had for a long time for boys. In fact Phil, there's only 2 things that can actually change the light, Irish lilt in my voice: killing the music, which turns me in to a black man, or seeing a very svelte beautiful young lady walk by the window like right now... (voice drops and accent vanishes) Will you look at THAT!?
#309
Hey now! What a nutty place!
#310
Who'll let the good father take a look for an Arby's beefwich?
#311
If you only knew you would climb up on it....
#312
I Have More Sesuality than You.
#313
It all comes down to sess, and how you can use your sessuality.
#314
I've had MORE sess with MORE women than Mr. Hendrie will EVER have.
#315
If you saw me in my speedo, you'd want to play with the little man in the boat.
#316
I do the splits over an egg then I do a somersault into an open watermelon.
#317
Oh yeah! Rick James is giving me the spirit to give it to my wife.
#318
I don't like being used that way! The only one that use me is jesus! I'd be Jesus' jail bitch if you wanted me to!
#319
(Explaining why he doesn't personally deliver food to the needy) You don't go down there; you gonna die if you go down there. You might think you doing a good thing but you'll be dead of a gunshot wound before you even get the frozen dinner out of your car.
#320
If you hijack an airplane and fly it into a building, you Islam! If you bow your head to the carpet five times a day with your ass up in the air, like Paul Anka or Shepard Smith, you Islam! If you read the Koran, not the Bible, the Koran-- I want you to write that down, 'cause a lotta brothas-- and you'll find a lot of the brothas out there are quotin' the Koran, now, 'cause like my cousin M.L.-- they're Muslim. It aint no Bible, I don't know what in the hell it is, but it's called a Koran. If you towel wrap, turban wind, wear a rag, table cloth or comforter or a napkin on your head, you're Islam! If you are a woman and you wear a bag or a bed sheet over your head, you Islam. If you don't smoke, drink, have sex, smile, grin or laugh, you Islam! If you don't eat pork, barbeque, bacon, ribs or Canadian ham, you Islam!
#321
I don't want to see another fetus fed to the fire.
#322
It's impossible for a black man to be racist.
#323
No, the fact that -you- don't wanna wear a thong is because you're still afraid of 9/11!
#324
I can do the max on a hip abductor machine. Listen to this: (yelling) URRRRRRGHYAAAAAAAAAAA YOU WHORE!
#325
Tell me you've never thought about killing your own kid. For instance, taking him out hunting in the woods and only one of you comes back, namely you.
#326
It's about saving lives.
#327
Spank Bank's open 24 hours.
#328
The guy was pitching a tent, okay, man?
#329
I'm so gooooooood I could be on Scotland Yard.
#330
A full-cavity search is non-invasive; we practice on ourselves.
#331
If he takes a shot at me, I'll be on him like a monkey on a football.
#332
Ma'am, I'm a member of the Citizen's Auxiliary Police, we save lives.
#333
The Black boy will squeeze the life out of you like a Bakersfield chimp.
#334
Now I'm a fag and I'm gonna have my skull sexed. Anything else gentlemen?
#335
(In response to the idea of a citizen not cooperating) Well, in that case, we've got a situation.
#336
Three black kids will kill you slowly, at least an Ay-rab has the decency to take ya out quickly.
#337
We just want to take a peek over the shoulder of the police, that's all, just a little peek, kind of a peek-a-boo.
#338
Well, would you rather open and close doors or be lashed to a barn door and be assualted by...by three guys coming up on ATVs?
#339
(On conducting safety random home invasions) You witness a man assault you, take off his pants, fold 'em up, put 'em on the bed... and then he stops; when you get to the level of underwear then they stop, they assess the situation, he will question the woman, 'you're aware now that I am here in my underwear', and she will say 'yes I am', then fine, he'll probably put his hat on first, get dressed...
#340
My mother used to greet the day with a cigarette and lipstick on her teeth.'
#341
My mother used to come to me with her house coat open and drinking a cup of cheap chinese table wine.'
#342
You never talk about your mother. Never talk about mother.
#343
I have at least my own filing cabinet at the National Institute of Health, psychology division.
#344
The last thing I heard when I walked out those gates was Walter Bellhaven's howling laughter.
#345
I'll wake up in the morning and think, 'Maybe I'll go out and catch me a twelve year old today.'
#346
(in reference to Walter Bellhaven) The last thing I heard was him laughing, almost like a hyena.
#347
(advertising for a dairy company) Tell them that Herb Sewell, convicted child-molester sent you.
#348
Phil, you're beginning to disturb me, and when I get disturbed I start thinking about 12 year-old boys.
#349
(about his mother-in-law) Ah, now you're referring to the Creature. See, you don't know the Creature. I do.
#350
I beat an old woman almost to death with a lamp. She was one of these hand-wringing grandmother types.
#351
In my case, I would have dispatched her (Paris Hilton) relatively quickly, but, of course, I would want to teach her a lesson.
#352
(to a caller discussing the Michael Jackson trial) I have to say I'm a bit surprised. You're obviously African-American, aren't you a fan?
#353
I hear some people say 'Some of my friends are black,' 'Some of my friends are Jewish,' Well, some of my friends are serial murderers.
#354
(about Walter Bellhaven) He was a walking monster of-- he was a miracle of modern monstrosity. What he did to an entire orphanage of children shouldn't even be repeated.
#355
(asked about his lunatic laugh) It is a nervous laugh, yes, but it's also a laugh- I have to laugh when I imagine the walking monstrosity that I was. And now I'm a free man. (laughs hysterically)
#356
(about his wife, who died when Herb shoved her from a moving car) When she was getting shoved from that car, she was still talking. I can still see her falling backwards on to the freeway and her mouth still moving on about some house she saw in, uh, La Canada.
#357
Walter would see that commercial... probably having breakfast, let's say. He'd very, very delicately pad his mouth dry with his napkin, turn his television set off, get in his car, probably go to some area like a suburban mall and within two to three hours, three women would be hanging upside-down, gutted and their blood drained.
#358
Phil, you know how it is. If I registered as a sex offender the next thing I know it'll be like Frankenstein. I'll look out the window and the whole neighborhood will be there with their torches and I just can't have that, not now. Sorry I'm denying you the opportunity to throw a rock through someone's window but I'm going to have to decline your offer of registering.
#359
My mother would torture me for at least eight hours a day for a solid year once, using a variety of ice-water enimas, burning me with matches, burning me with cigarettes, even at one point hanging me up-side down for about six hours, burying me, using me as a float when we were in a ship wreck-- she actually used me as a life preserver, she just wrapped me around herself and didn't care whether I breathed or not, tried to use me one time to stop up a leaky gas valve in our kitchen, just said, 'Put your lips over that thing.'
#360
(Referring to Walter Bellhaven) Phil, saying that Walter murdered people is like saying Leonardo DaVinci, you know, ah, drew things.
#361
You know Mr. Hendrie? I hope that someday I'm driven to murder so that I could go to hell and watch them spin you over a pit...Bastard... *click*
#362
I'm gonna go discover my inner nun.
#363
I don't hate America, I love this country so long as it provides me with an ability to practice Blithia.
#364
I only care about the child who's on that one single crutch, trying to hobble out of the way of an American smart bomb whose destructive radius is several miles. There's no way. The child could have hobbled for a half-hour and still would be incinerated.
#365
Alright cadet, you will kiss the gunner's daughter, Take him below for the makings.
#366
Don't say it or I will drop you and I don't care if I go to prison.
#367
Oh, in the Name of the Sweet Christ Hammered Up, why do you have to play that?
#368
Christ was riveted to the cross for this???
#369
I say to any senior citizen listening to me, carry a 9mm, the minute somebody looks at you cross-eyed, take off the top of his head with it.
#370
So, look. Phil, I wanted to mention to your listeners that Bill Jewison is innocent of manslaughter. He's my client and I will be trying the case next week in Superior Court, but I'm trying to pollute the jury pool, so, uh...
#371
And also our winner tonight will get an autographed copy of my autobiography, which has just been released, entitled The Joy of Gunning Down Japs on Saipan as They Ran Toward their Ships That Were Burning in the Harbor Because the Navy Flyboys Put a Torch to Them.
#372
My mother won't have sex with me.
#373
Is there anything worse than a woman with a kid?
#374
Why can't I beat a woman bloody and be able to walk away from it with a clear conscience without coming down with a case of the drip the following morning?
#375
AND WHY AM I SHOUTING, by the way? I'LL TELL YOU WHY, IT'S BECAUSE IT'S THE NEXT BEST THING TO HAVING A SHOW!
#376
Hey folks, it's Comb-Over. Now listen; I know it gets lonely. Well right now, you can buy the Comb-Over blow-up doll, it looks just like ME! Why have sex with a woman when I look just like a bitch!... if you... think about it and... squint your eyes real hard. That's right, it's the Comb-Over BITCH DOLL! Comes with fully working sweat glands! And the fun part is trying to find the penis!
#377
I couldn't get elected to the Women's Republican Club of Westlake Village...as an honorary transexual.
#378
The last two years my ass is falling.
#379
Hold on, Phil, I found some gummy bears in my chin fold.
#380
I hold on to it [cream cheese] the way a cow does its cud.
#381
Don't make me come through the phone and kick your A.
#382
I'm gonna come out, I'll take Katie Couric and that other bitch, uhh... I forget who she was-- I'll rape her. I'll tell ya right now, I will. I'll commit the act of rape on her.
#383
I'm gonna rape Katie Couric, I'm gonna rape Oprah Winfrey, I'm gonna rape Greta Van Susteren, I'm gonna rape the Federal Prosecutor, come through the phone, kick your ass.
#384
I will find Katie Couric and I will commit the act of rape on her. And then when I'm done with her, I'll get on that news women they got on the air and, who the other one? Oh yeah, Greta Van Susteren, I will rape her.
#385
Martha, telling Phil her new recipes from prison:
#386
(to Bobbie Dooley) Lady, you're crazy, and your husband's crazy. Hooray for you with your big house. You would've been laying up in that big house on crutches if you'd've touched me. I'd a made mud out yo ass.
#387
(to Ted Bell) If you need a spiritual companion, you need to call Ms. Cleo.
#388
Lookit...
#389
Ya savvy?
#390
Bababooey.
#391
What's THAT all about?
#392
How do you like me now?
#393
That is straight from hunger.
#394
YEEEEEAHHHH! I just broke out of hold.
#395
They're dusting off the hot-seat for me!
#396
Why don't you get a piece of fat and slide off?
#397
(after making some stupid point) Ah-- aahh! I've got you, I got you there.
#398
I just made a shot at the buzzer. Three points to go into half-time. Me - 3. You - 0.
#399
That tears it!
#400
Pile it high and deep.
#401
I made brown!
#402
You know what you look like with your good bag and your bad shoes? You look like a rube.
#403

Phil Hendrie quotes