Phil Hendrie Quotes on Humor
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You need to have the courage to say to your wife, get in there and make me some bean dip.
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Aw get a piece of fat and slide off
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Yeah, is this some kind of joke? (To character, when caller claims the character is a just a joke)
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If you are serious that you have breasts that weigh ten pounds a piece then I'd like to get together with you.
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I don't know why I gotta apologize for the politics I do on my show, but I've got so many people that dig the comedy of the show, but they're so stupid when it comes to everything else, so what am I supposed to do? If you like how funny I am, you're gonna have to listen to how smart I am, too. You're just going to have to do that, because nobody can be as funny as I am without also being extremely intelligent.
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And if you try anything funny, anything cute, then oh boy, I will hunt you down and find you and come to your house...and weep. Like I'm your gay lover. 'Why don't you open the door, Barry?!?!'
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Is it customary for dead people to crank call?
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But first, an exciting new product from Peenman Enterprises!
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If you haven't heard the news - and I have been answering e-mails and I have been online in chatrooms and I have been on a HAM radio set and I wandered out into the desert and retrieved two carrier pigeons from some friends of mine that live up in an old silver mine - everyone's talking about it.
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I'm not really a general, ya know?
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Pigeons lie, they lie through their freakin' beaks.
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God, I'm gonna kill. I'm gonna kill slow and I'm gonna kill thoroughly.
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We only have two more days to protect our crotches and assorted genetalia.
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I don't know what you're laughting about, Bell, but you've laughed at me for the last time.
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I've never seen anything like it before in my life and I've worked with the CIA, KGB...I was also an Explorer Scout.
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The best thing that we can hope for is that the Earth stops spinning, then the Mir spacecraft falls on Cameron Manheim.
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I'm in Canada, obviously, because my life's been threatened directly by Al Gore. He's always hated me because I invented the Internet.
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I have to tell your listeners that Frosty the Snowman is the most frightening phenomenon of the extra dimension. You can talk about the Abominable Snowman, you can talk about UFOs, all of these things, but when Frosty looks at you with those big coal eyes of his, and he goes to work at you with that carrot nose? No sir-- no sir, no sir, no sir.
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East of the Rockies, go away.
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West of the Rockies dial, oooh... I forget.
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Art hired me because I have balls the size of the Liberty Bell.
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And now it's time for Coast to Coast with Art Bell and the same sorry ABBA song.
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And now... Coast to Coast with Art Bell. I'm Ross Mitchell. I'm a former member of ABBA.
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If you're calling from South America, good for you.
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If you're calling from the North Pole, you must be Santa Claus.
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If you're calling west of the rockies, make sure you have a telephone.
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If you're using a touchtone phone, you're SOL. Only rotary calls tonight.
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If you're calling from...oh, if you're just calling, here's the number: 1-800-ART.
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For all of you assholes calling from west of the Rockies, which includes Boston and the United Kingdom, dial...
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For all of you assholes calling from east of the Rockies, which includes Peru and California, dial...
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West of the Rockies, don't bother. East of the Rockies... okay. South of the Rockies, north of the Rockies... under the Rockies...... whatever.
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To call Art: West of the Rockies, just pick up your phone and dial 'Art'; East of the Rockies, dial 'Bell'; South of the Rockies... well that would be Mexico, wouldn't it?
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For those of you calling from Madagascar or Bakersfield, that number again 1-800-520-1534 that number once again 1-213-427-7266 that number once again 1-213-427...7...uh...uh...3...I forget...
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And I'm Ross Mitchell. I quit. This has been Coast to Coast with Art Bell... trying to prove that little people live in the middle of a hurricane. Je-eeee-sus!
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How 'bout a gut check and a neck snap?
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What happens if I give you a boot to the head and counter-act that with a block-and-roll?
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What about a high left, kick fake to the right chop and a power-right fist? Man, you are dead, dead, dead.
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(said repeatedly) I'm Ted Bell.
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Ohhhhhhh. I'm an A-hole...
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Getting diarrhea from a steak is like savoring the finish on a wine.
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I'm Ted Bell. And you go straight to the place where the Devil lives and has sex and makes little Devils.
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If you hang up on me again, Phil, you'll see exactly what an Austrain village square looks like...from an aerial perspective.
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(After not paying attention to the caller) I'm sorry, Phil, I've got an emergency. We have a baked potato festival coming up on Sunday.
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Phil, there is not one conservative negro.
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Do you know how much a black man has to drink to sleep with Reba McEntire?
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I have to tell you this- listening to you for the last ten minutes, I have the desire to pull my underwear off and jam them in your mouth.
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The Wiccan Religion stabs a chicken like a football....
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Sir I'm driving 26,000 pounds of Detroit Steel.
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Okay, That tears it!
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Rrrryyaaahh! I'm off of hold again.
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That's right, we'd sodomize a man.
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You know what? You burn me up more than a baseball-sized hemorrhoid.
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I was up to my neck in Mr. Spock haircuts.
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I was up to my eyebrows in bowl haircuts.
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I hope that when you die the Devil has got the gate open for you, doesn't even worry about checkin' with God on that one. I don't think the Devil should check with God. I think he should just know the gate should be open.
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You turd in a muffler and a cheap hat!
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Sitting in the carseat like a little miniature Winston Churchill is his little fat, bald kid - you might as well put a cigar in his puss - and he's in the carpool lane, Mr. Hendrie, and the kid don't drive; that's the point I'm trying to make.
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See, Steelworth, he can't wait to see me foaming at the mouth and barking at the moon, as he's one of these W-W-2 boys, and he's got a Japanese carbine rifle that he pulled off a dead Jap, and he'd love to plug me right between the eyes. Well guess what? His cat already did it!
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Oh, now I get it. You think I was battling my pony, now is it?
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The next time you meet a guy online, make sure you send a picture of how fat you are...
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(referring to Cupids) The small babies that can hurt you? I don't know, I'm not familiar.
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We're hoping to get car washes to put up a sign that says, 'THIS CAR WASH CAN CAUSE FEAR.'
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I'd like to say Roy Rogers would've given up Trigger for the western wedding outfit I had on.
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Ma'am, does your e-mail carry a...able to carry a big enough file to fit a picture of you in it?
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Oh, okay, so sticking my head in the oven isn't bad enough, you guys want me to turn it up to broil.
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Who do you think deserves a purple heart, your daddy for gettin' a box on him or me for takin' a paintball off the gonad sack?!
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(About an overweight woman) What came through the door that night at the Applebee's in Knoxville, Tennessee was big enough to scare me.
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At my church that's what they say, 'Today, we offer our condolences to the Berger family; they rolled a three. Its very sad and tr-tragic, but that's what happens when you don't wear a seatbelt.'
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I dont know if you've ever seen a coyote, but let me tell ya, its hard to hold your mud.
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She is a la la la liar!
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Goddamn! That's so disguszoid!
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I'm psycho, and so are my bros.
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I got thrown out of the Cub Scouts. I ate a brownie.
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Tell me where it says 'Bone Smoker' in the Constitution.
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This girl sounds like her tubes are tying themselves together.
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Freedom's important, but if I'm gonna die for a word, my word is poon-tang.
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I've had my butt kicked six ways of sunset and I'm gonna call that guy 'sir'?
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(To caller) Don't you think being a Weebloe will encourage a kid to bone-smoke?
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You don't know what its like to have a plastic ball in your sack. Yeah. Check that out!
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(on James Doohan having a baby at 80 years old) We're taking odds on whether the kid's Mongo or not!
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Any woman that bumps into a guy must be tryin' him on for size, and let me tell ya something, I make a very tight fit.
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The biggest difference between sleeping with a girl and guy are the boobs - they're generally larger on a girl person.
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Britney Spears got those ta-tas, man, bodacious as all get out, lookin' fine, butt's real nice, and I'm not even supposed to be grippin' the pony on Main Street.
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I could be a gay James Bond.
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(Sir, would you put your cigarette out?) I'm gay. Now do you want me to put it out?
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I bought a candy bar from the mongoloid here at the airport and I'll convert to being a Presbyterian if I can get a crop duster out of here.
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Oh, no, not the face, Phil. I have a photo shoot for Campbell's Soup this afternoon!
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Do you think there's a sign where the chickens live that says, 'Don't choke the chicken' ?
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'You know, they should make a wax statue of you and put you next to Carrol Channing at the Wax Museum' -Bud Dickman (Talking to Phil, Dec 15, 2004 Hour 3)
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Mmmm-hmmm.... (repeatedly - and loudly - said while a caller speaks, much to their chagrin)
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Sweet Christ on a sled!
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Sweet Christ in a carseat!
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(referring to her friend's hairy children) Phil, it looked like Playground of the Apes.
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Oh, you're sitting there staring at your cheaply manicured nails in your Ford Taurus...
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Its almost like walking up to Adolf Hitler if you're Jewish and saying, 'nice moustache.' You're just asking for it.
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(About making love with her husband) We sang Onward Christian Soldier, Phil, he took me like a virgin at the prison rodeo.
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Phil, I was standing there in a bannana-yellow pantsuit, watching this child dancing around me, laughing like a fool, and I was thinking, are you for real? I felt like I was in a Bergman film about idiot children.
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Phil, her husband is a bit of a loser. (drops her voice) Can I tell you something? Her husband is black. They have a child together, this child has black skin and flaming red hair, like Bozo the Clown. He scares people, he frightens the other children.
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Some women are married to losers. I guess I just got lucky when I met Steve, I just got lucky. I see some of these women with their husbands in the grocery store and I have to laugh. I mean, imagine choosing him over living in a 150-home gated community. I just have to laugh.
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I walked in the back door and saw Amanda, my daughter, with a piece of chocholate cake and shoving it from the palm of her hand into her mouth, and...and I had been outside raking leaves, and i hit her with the rake and knocked it out of her hand and said 'How Dare You?' Thats how much I love her. Thats really how much I love her.
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Oh, you gonna tell me you can't clone off Jesus now?
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I did a little promo work for a show called Africa Nowwwwwww...that's how they have me say it.
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Phil, I've been listening to you badgering me for the past two years and I just have to ask you, do you want me to buy my own Vasaline and spread it, too?
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(about Chinese eyes) I'm talking about the fact they have slits for eyes, man, all they see is net... their vertical vision is about an inch, but their horizontal vision-- it goes on and on and on, and on and on, and there's science to prove on it, too. For instance, you and me, we look at the world basically television shape, okay, the Chinese look at it: letterbox!
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I ain't yellow.
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Get in there and make me some bean dip!
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Even if you're a blind guy who wants to be clean, you're gonna miss the toilet someday, ya know?
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You know how they separate the men from the boys in Greece, Phil? With a crowbar. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh:
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All a bird does is sit in that cage and stares at itself in the mirror all day, now that's pretty egotisical.
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I wonder how much of an animal lover you'd be if you had a parrot sitting at your house calling you a bulldyke.
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Not only can I touch your car, but I can take a lathe, an acetylene torch, a pair of pliers, and a ball tine hammer and have that in about 150 different pieces in fifteen minutes; that's how gooooood I am.
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(performing his dancing moves) Now, you move very delicately, do a little bit of a flutter kick, now, what that is I lift up my right leg and kind of flutter it at the judges, then I do a little spin, I lay out and show the blouse, press my lips, squint my eyes, spin and turn. Now, I do what's called 'Working the Pants.'
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If Fat Joe were dead, he couldn't attract a female fly.
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You think I'm kind of a funny little man, don't you?
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You tell the lesbians Bob Green is coming and hell follows!
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GEEEEEEEEEEEZ!
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Did you hit the retard?
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This is Darth Hall, I'm out.
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Will you get this old Jew off the phone, quick, and let's go to another call?
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(to a caller) I'm the Vice President of Syndication. Which means I'm God and you're an ant.
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Bud, I'm giving you the the big shot here, because Hendrie blew it with all those phoney-baloney voices.
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Its gonna be 85 degrees, they're not gonna allow any cold beer...why don't you just go ahead and turn on a garbage disposal and shove a child's hand into it, 'cause that's the same thing.
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And I will do anything, even give up the predilection that I had for a long time for boys. In fact Phil, there's only 2 things that can actually change the light, Irish lilt in my voice: killing the music, which turns me in to a black man, or seeing a very svelte beautiful young lady walk by the window like right now... (voice drops and accent vanishes) Will you look at THAT!?
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Who'll let the good father take a look for an Arby's beefwich?
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I've had MORE sess with MORE women than Mr. Hendrie will EVER have.
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If you saw me in my speedo, you'd want to play with the little man in the boat.
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I don't like being used that way! The only one that use me is jesus! I'd be Jesus' jail bitch if you wanted me to!
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If you hijack an airplane and fly it into a building, you Islam! If you bow your head to the carpet five times a day with your ass up in the air, like Paul Anka or Shepard Smith, you Islam! If you read the Koran, not the Bible, the Koran-- I want you to write that down, 'cause a lotta brothas-- and you'll find a lot of the brothas out there are quotin' the Koran, now, 'cause like my cousin M.L.-- they're Muslim. It aint no Bible, I don't know what in the hell it is, but it's called a Koran. If you towel wrap, turban wind, wear a rag, table cloth or comforter or a napkin on your head, you're Islam! If you are a woman and you wear a bag or a bed sheet over your head, you Islam. If you don't smoke, drink, have sex, smile, grin or laugh, you Islam! If you don't eat pork, barbeque, bacon, ribs or Canadian ham, you Islam!
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No, the fact that -you- don't wanna wear a thong is because you're still afraid of 9/11!
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Spank Bank's open 24 hours.
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I'm so gooooooood I could be on Scotland Yard.
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A full-cavity search is non-invasive; we practice on ourselves.
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Now I'm a fag and I'm gonna have my skull sexed. Anything else gentlemen?
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Well, would you rather open and close doors or be lashed to a barn door and be assualted by...by three guys coming up on ATVs?
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(in reference to Walter Bellhaven) The last thing I heard was him laughing, almost like a hyena.
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In my case, I would have dispatched her (Paris Hilton) relatively quickly, but, of course, I would want to teach her a lesson.
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(asked about his lunatic laugh) It is a nervous laugh, yes, but it's also a laugh- I have to laugh when I imagine the walking monstrosity that I was. And now I'm a free man. (laughs hysterically)
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Phil, you know how it is. If I registered as a sex offender the next thing I know it'll be like Frankenstein. I'll look out the window and the whole neighborhood will be there with their torches and I just can't have that, not now. Sorry I'm denying you the opportunity to throw a rock through someone's window but I'm going to have to decline your offer of registering.
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Bababooey.
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(after making some stupid point) Ah-- aahh! I've got you, I got you there.