Phil Hendrie Quotes on Absurdity
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Aw get a piece of fat and slide off
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And if you try anything funny, anything cute, then oh boy, I will hunt you down and find you and come to your house...and weep. Like I'm your gay lover. 'Why don't you open the door, Barry?!?!'
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Sitting in the carseat like a little miniature Winston Churchill is his little fat, bald kid - you might as well put a cigar in his puss - and he's in the carpool lane, Mr. Hendrie, and the kid don't drive; that's the point I'm trying to make.
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Oh, now I get it. You think I was battling my pony, now is it?
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I'd like to say Roy Rogers would've given up Trigger for the western wedding outfit I had on.
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Who do you think deserves a purple heart, your daddy for gettin' a box on him or me for takin' a paintball off the gonad sack?!
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I bought a candy bar from the mongoloid here at the airport and I'll convert to being a Presbyterian if I can get a crop duster out of here.
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Do you think there's a sign where the chickens live that says, 'Don't choke the chicken' ?
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(About making love with her husband) We sang Onward Christian Soldier, Phil, he took me like a virgin at the prison rodeo.
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Phil, I was standing there in a bannana-yellow pantsuit, watching this child dancing around me, laughing like a fool, and I was thinking, are you for real? I felt like I was in a Bergman film about idiot children.
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I walked in the back door and saw Amanda, my daughter, with a piece of chocholate cake and shoving it from the palm of her hand into her mouth, and...and I had been outside raking leaves, and i hit her with the rake and knocked it out of her hand and said 'How Dare You?' Thats how much I love her. Thats really how much I love her.
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If Fat Joe were dead, he couldn't attract a female fly.
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I do the splits over an egg then I do a somersault into an open watermelon.
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(On conducting safety random home invasions) You witness a man assault you, take off his pants, fold 'em up, put 'em on the bed... and then he stops; when you get to the level of underwear then they stop, they assess the situation, he will question the woman, 'you're aware now that I am here in my underwear', and she will say 'yes I am', then fine, he'll probably put his hat on first, get dressed...