Selected humor quotes

1. When I was crossing into Gaza, I was asked at the checkpost whether I was carrying any weapons. I replied: Oh yes, my prayer books.

2. 'I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.'

3. Some subjects are so serious that one can only joke about them.

4. Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.

5. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

6. Laugh at what you hold sacred, and still hold it sacred.

7. I've been accused of every death except the casualty list of the World War.

8. I'm opposed to any sport that reduces the coefficient of friction between me and the ground.

9. Yes, there is a conspiracy, in fact there are a great number of conspiracies that are all tripping each other up. And all of those conspiracies are run by paranoid fantasists and ham-fisted clowns. If you are on a list targeted by the CIA, you really have nothing to worry about. If however, you have a name similar to somebody on a list targeted by the CIA, then you are dead.

10. I have also considered many scientific plans during my pushing you around in your pram!

11. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

12. What goes 0-300 in less than 2 seconds? Your mother on a scale.

13. Nobody and nothing beats The Simpsons. Even after all this time, it's still the best satire since Monty Python.

14. To me, if you are in the same building with Peter Sellers or John Cleese, or any of those guys and holding your own making other people laugh, that's a compliment.

15. Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.

16. I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.

17. Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.

18. I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs.

19. I never think that people die. They just go to department stores.

20. I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

21. Wit is well-bred insolence.

22. Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

23. The gods too are fond of a joke.

24. The secret to humor is surprise.

25. Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

26. If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

27. We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

28. I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

29. It can take a surprisingly long time to get from one part of my mind to another.

30. Sooner or later, I'll be punctual.

31. Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with some of the living.

32. Do you believe in apathy at first sight?

33. Where would I be without my sense of direction.

34. The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

35. They laughed at Edison and Einstein, but somehow I still feel uncomfortable when they laugh at me.

36. What I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle.

37. There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before.

38. Life is too important to be taken as a joke, but too ridiculous to be taken seriously.

39. All I ask of Life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

40. I like who I am, and am puzzled to find that not everybody shares this opinion.

41. If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off.' You've got to quit, cold jerky!

42. A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno... it was one of those parties that got out of hand, you know?

43. 'Sex' and 'obscenity' are not synonymous.

44. Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

45. Mother Goose is on the loose, stealing lines from Lenny Bruce.

46. Lenny Bruce, declares a truce and plays his other hand. Marshall McLuhan, casual viewin', head buried in the sand.

47. It was only when you walked away I saw you had the perfect ass. Forgive me for not falling in love with your face or your conversation.

48. Only in Canada could somebody with a voice like mine win 'Vocalist of the Year'.

49. In the Canadian film Hardcore Logo, a Canadian punk rocker suggests 'Faster, Leonard Cohen! Die! Die!' as a possible band name. This also refers to the film Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!.

50. One sits the whole day at the desk and appetite is standing next to me. 'Away with you,' I say. But Comrade Appetite does not budge from the spot.

51. A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

52. Only those who attempt the absurd... will achieve the impossible. I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

53. Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

54. To a young actor How tall are you without your horse? Six foot, seven inches! Never mind the six feet. Let's talk about the seven inches!

55. To her British lover about to climb in bed with 80-something Mae: She said that she hoped soon to be able to say what Paul Revere said - 'The British are coming'. This was the last one-liner Mae ever uttered on film.

56. An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

57. His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

58. I consider sex a misdemeanor; the more I miss, de meaner I get.

59. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

60. I've been in more laps than a napkin.[6]

61. If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

62. Too much of a good thing can be simply wonderful.[8]

63. 'Squeal like a pig, chump!'

64. And killing time is perhaps the essence of comedy, just as the essence of tragedy is killing eternity.

65. I could eat my body weight in sushi.

66. Who's that sexy beast? It's Bob Bryar.

67. In the Bronx, we had three synagogues on one block at 161st Street. My father was Orthodox and we went to the Sephardi one. Further along was the Conservative, the biggest. In between was the Ashkenazi shul. And guess who was their shabbos goy? Colin Powell!

68. We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

69. I heard somebody say, 'Now where's Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas.

70. If you think about it, being digital is Italian. It's underground, provocative, interactive. It has humor, discourse, and debate. It has a kind of liveliness to it.

71. Some subjects are so serious that one can only joke about them.

72. If you make sweet love with a school teacher / You'll have an amazing night / She'll do it and do it and do it again / Until you get it right.

73. Take of London fog 30 parts; malaria 10 parts, gas leaks 20 parts, dewdrops gathered in a brickyard at sunrise 25 parts; odor of honeysuckle 15 parts. Mix. The mixture will give you an approximate conception of a Nashville drizzle.

74. In arguing too, the parson owned his skill, For e'en though vanquished, he could argue still; While words of learned length, and thundering sound Amazed the gazing rustics ranged around; And still they gazed, and still the wonder grew, That one small head could carry all he knew.

75. Oh sir! I must not tell my age. They say women and music should never be dated.

76. Baw! Damme, but I'll fight you both, one after the other! With baskets.

77. Our Garrick's a salad; for in him we see Oil, vinegar, sugar, and saltness agree!

78. As a wit, if not first, in the very first line.

79. Over the piano was printed a notice: Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.

80. Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

81. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

82. I can resist everything . . . except child pornography. Sweet, sweet child pornography.

83. Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about it.

84. Often quoted as: Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

85. I have never admitted that I am more than twenty-nine, or thirty at the most. Twenty-nine when there are pink shades, thirty when there are not.

86. It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.

87. I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.

88. Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One must eat muffins quite calmly, it is the only way to eat them.

89. Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

90. I love talking about nothing, father. It is the only thing I know anything about.

91. We are specially designed to appeal to the sense of humour.

92. We are the zanies of sorrow. We are clowns whose hearts are broken.

93. Buck up and be jolly, my dear lady! Stillbirth is a sign that God has a sense of humour!

94. I have nothing to declare except my Genius.

95. Bubbles! Oh come on Sharon! I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, I'm the Prince of fucking Darkness. Evil! Evil! What's fucking evil about a shitload of bubbles!?

96. International rock star - gravy maker extraordinaire.

97. You don't need to hire a dog therapist, you just need to wake up at 7 am and open the fucking door!

98. Well, its not that bad. I thought she was going to show me a picture of uhhhh...an eagle on her ass or something.

99. [To Kelly, after he's become suspicious] You haven't been playing doctors and nurses have you?

100. Its like Dr. Doolittle in this fucking house here.