3,379 Humor Quotes

When I was crossing into Gaza, I was asked at the checkpost whether I was carrying any weapons. I replied: Oh yes, my prayer books.

Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.

I'm opposed to any sport that reduces the coefficient of friction between me and the ground.

Yes, there is a conspiracy, in fact there are a great number of conspiracies that are all tripping each other up. And all of those conspiracies are run by paranoid fantasists and ham-fisted clowns. If you are on a list targeted by the CIA, you really have nothing to worry about. If however, you have a name similar to somebody on a list targeted by the CIA, then you are dead.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Nobody and nothing beats The Simpsons. Even after all this time, it's still the best satire since Monty Python.

To me, if you are in the same building with Peter Sellers or John Cleese, or any of those guys and holding your own making other people laugh, that's a compliment.

Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.

I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.

Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.

I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs.

I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Wit is well-bred insolence.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

It can take a surprisingly long time to get from one part of my mind to another.

Sooner or later, I'll be punctual.

Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with some of the living.

Do you believe in apathy at first sight?

Where would I be without my sense of direction.

The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

They laughed at Edison and Einstein, but somehow I still feel uncomfortable when they laugh at me.

What I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle.

There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before.

Life is too important to be taken as a joke, but too ridiculous to be taken seriously.

All I ask of Life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

I like who I am, and am puzzled to find that not everybody shares this opinion.

I just love autumn in New York - watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

It's tax time once again, and the hookers in Times Square - god bless 'em - they're getting into the act. For an extra $50, they'll handle your extension.

It was so hot today that Larry King was seen only wearing suspenders. Wonder what he was holding up.

'Maybe Nina wouldn't have died if I hadn't moved in with them and drawn Sheener after me, but I can't feel guilty about that. I tried hard to be a good foster daughter to them, and they were happy with me. What happened was that life dropped a big custard pie on us, and that's not my fault; you can never see the custard pies coming. It's not good slapstick if you see the pie coming.' 'Custard pie?' he asked, perplexed. 'You see life as a slapstick comedy? Like the Three Stooges?' 'Partly.' 'Life is just a joke then?' 'No. Life is serious and a joke at the same time.' 'But how can that be?' 'If you don't know,' she said, 'maybe I should be the one asking the questions here.'

Dylan: said, 'Both Becky and Kenny need medical attention-' 'And a prison cell until their social security kicks in,' Jilly added. '-but give us two or three minutes before you call 9-1-1,' Dylan finished. This instruction baffled Marj. 'But you are 9-1-1.' Jilly fielded that peculiar question: 'We're one of the ones, Marj, but we're not the other one or the nine.'

In fact I am such a nonentity by the standards of our culture that People magazine not only will never feature a piece about me but might also reject my attempts to subscribe to their publication on the grounds that the black-hole gravity of my noncelebrity is powerful enough to suck their entire enterprise into oblivion.

'Sometimes,' I said, 'it seems to me that a friend might not take such pleasure in making fun of me as you do.' 'Dear Odd! If one's friends do not openly laugh at him, they are not, in fact, his friends. How else would one learn to avoid saying those things that would elicit laughter from strangers? The mockery of friends is affectionate, and inoculates against foolishness.'

Are we not men? We are DEVO!

Why don't you fold it five ways and put it where the moon don't shine! (in response to Norman Mailer's 'Why don't you just read the next question on your card there?')

Science has always been too dignified to invent a good backscratcher.

Your house started to shake, the heavens opened up, and God Himself spoke to you and said this: 'Bob...' (little boy voice) 'But my name's Billy.' (back to Rock-voice) 'IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!'

'And you walk down the Rock's ramp and you step over the top rope, like that's supposed to impress somebody! And then, Big Show, you do something that is, without the shadow of a doubt, the most impressive thing the Rock's seen, and that's this-- (lifts hand in the air, Big Show-style and moans) huuuaaaagh!'

The thought of another DX night makes The Rock want to stick his finger down his throat and spew the people's vomit.

The Rock could just imagine what you were like in High School! The oldest 27 year old senior the world has ever seen! Standing outside your house with your momma, and that short little yellow bus pulling up in front - beep beep, beep beep, beep beep! You just walk in on the bus, go into class, get inside the classroom, teacher up on the blackboard 'Ok class, what is 2 + 2? Do you know Booker?' 'Oh yeah I know the answer to that, 2 + 2? Thomas Jefferson, sucka!'

On this night 25 years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself came something so horrifying it sends chills up and down the bodies of men all over the world: tonight marks the birth of Stephanie McMahon.

(third time Eddie tries) Eddie Guerrero! (in La Bamba song)

Okay okay okay! But let The Rock understand this big shot. You wanna go? Is that what you wanna do, Triple H? You and the The Rock, Triple H, one more time, do you wanna...go?' 'I would LOVE to go.'(Triple H) 'Well then go get The Rock a baloney sandwich 'cause this doesn't concern you. -both directed towards Triple H, during the same promo.

The Rock knows exactly who you are! There's a green shirt, H on your chest, green mask ... oh you're the Hamburglar!

Arrest his green ass. Get him out of here. Get his green monkey ass out of here. Hey, arrest him, he's guilty of shoving Chicken McNuggets straight up his ass, arrest him.

Ever since The Rock came in town Everybody's tried to bring him down Canadians have no class That's why they can kiss the People's ass!

(To Trish Stratus) Hey Mama! How you doin'? How you- no no no no no! The Rock's gotta go. Don't look at the People's Package. (To Tyson Tomko) Hell, you too, don't look! But it's cool, man! It's all good, I like your show, 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'. It's all good!

(To Hurricane and Rosey, the Super-Hero In Training) Aww, here are my boys, yeah! Hamburglar! Grimace! Naw, I'm only playin'. (to Hurricane) What it is, you, man! (to Rosey) Damn you don't talk every time the Rock gets around, you talk, man? Don't get like that! I bet you know how to say 'Super-size me' though, don't ya?

The Undertaker cuts a promo to The Rock. Here is the opening line of The Undertaker's promo: 'Listen young man, and I do mean young.' Here is the ending line of The Undertaker's promo: 'I am going to take you to the learning tree!' A couple nights later on RAW, The Rock responds to Undertaker's promo: 'Undertaker, you run your mouth about how you're going to take The Rock to the learning tree. Well, you're not going to have to drag The Rock to the learning tree. The Rock will gladly go to the learning tree with you. And then he'll pause once we get there. He'll reach up and break off a branch, And he'll pick each and every leaf off of that branch. Then he'll turn it sideways and stick it straight up your candyass!'

Lillian Garcia, are you getting wet...(crowd howls) with perspiration at standing this close to The Rock?

Try the chicken nuggets, you fat sumbitch! (to Rosey)

Don't clap, I'm not a fucking jazz band.

What else are you supposed to give hookers in hotel rooms? 'Yoghurt, anybody? I made some yoghurt this morning, would you like some? It's got Granola and everything. You sure? Go on, have a bit.'

Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you say 'Why are we drinking this? This is nothing, it has no smell, no taste! Why are we- W-why are we on a traffic island?'

What's going on? What do we do now? 'DONT FUCK ANYONE; YOU'LL DIE! Never mind, here comes MC Hammer.'

'I got my pecs, I got limos, I got bitches, and all my limo's powered by bitch juice, and my spare pecs are in the limo.'

'I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm gonna dig up your dad, and shove him up your mum and drink your blood from a drinking cup, you fuck!'

'Well, you know what they say about John, anyway?' 'Well, no I don't. Wh- what do they say?' 'Well, you know, apparently he's, uh, he's, you know, he's [cocks leg]. Oh yeah.' 'I'm sorry, what are talking about?' 'You know, if I have to spell it out, apparently he's, you know, still picking up twigs in the springtime. Oh yes, one of Yul Brunner's hairdressers. Likes his toast done on three sides, yes.' What are you talking about?

'Death Before Dishonour' I always used to wonder 'Hey, exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here?' 'Cause I could handle quite a lot. I would, for instance, fellate a Smurf before I picked death. I'd cook him a little Smurf omelette as I was doing it, you know, I'd be perfectly happy doing that. Seasoning it with thyme, you know, listening to his happy satisfied Smurf lip smacks. But every man thinks about Smurfs. They don't say it, but they do. That's why I'm here, to be honest. Just once, you know, what would it be like? Nobody needs to know, you go away for the weekend. Just once, to have the blue salty bulb lolling on your tongue ... if I don't say it, nobody else will.'

I don't want to make any huge generalisations about women, I'm not here to do that, it's- it's vulgar. But all I'll say is that they have no feelings. Because it's actually men, you'll find, who are the far more romantic. Men are the people you will hear say, 'I've found somebody. She's amazing. If I don't get to be with this person, I'm fucked. I can't carry on, no I mean it, she's totally transformed my life. I have a job, I have a flat, it means nothing. I can't stand it, I have to be with her. Because if I don't, I going to end up in some bedsit, I'll be alcoholic, I'll have itchy trousers. I can't- I can't walk the streets any more.' That, is how women feel about shoes.

'Hi, how are you today? I'm Tony, I'm going to be your server. I've got some very exciting specials to tell you folks about right here. We've got our deep-pan re-re-fried chocolate ice cream pizza, which comes with a complimentary pacemaker. If you're watching your weight you might want to try our NoHo Protein Salad, absolutely delicious. Philippe, our maitre d', will dig out some photographs of you looking kind of tubby, you know, on the Internet, and then we all kind of point and laugh at you and just sort of rub a single chickpea on your lip until you cry. Would you like some water?'

'Judge Kennon has perfectly good ears. He can stand in a courthouse in Opelousas and hear a dollar bill drop in Ville Platte.'

J'ai vraiment, un vrai bagage dans la tete. S'il y avait pour cela, comme il y a partout ici, des compagnies d'assurance, voila un ballot je ferais assurer de suite.

When you see a tomcat with his whiskers full of feathers, do not say 'Canary!'-he'll take offense. [Pg. 159.]

I remember one day I was coming home from kindergarten I--well, I thought it was kindergarten, it turned out later I'd been working in a factory for two years... I was wondering 'cause it was always really hot and everyone was older than me, but, um, what did I know?

With all of our differences, we [members of the audience] all have one thing in common, we're all gay. Now there are people out there [in audience] going 'Do they think we're gay because we're here? Do we look gay? I told you this would happen. We're not going to understand a word of this.' Seriously, though, if you're here you're probably gay. I mean, you have tendencies, you've thought about it. Now there are people [in audience] going 'I have thought about it. Does that mean I'm gay? I'm not gay. Is that how they get us?'

'Do you know how hard it is to fake your own death? Only one man has pulled it off - Elvis'.

'Riding a streamlined rock-and-roll beat, the singer's vocal swoops, slurs, hiccups, moans and growls added up to a new pop singing vocabulary that was instantly memorized by scores of imitators. The antithesis of a relaxed conversational crooning, Presley's style was fraught with tension and animated by an attitude of self-conscious melodrama, woving the whole unwieldy spectrum of pop singing - country-blues, Italianate crooning, Gospel, soul shouting, and honky-tonk yodeling - into an integral personal style. His crowning touch was to accentuate the spontaneously exuberant humor that had always been an ingredient of country, and the blues, but singing it in a way that seemed to poke fun at his own accomplishment.'

'In 'T.R.O.U.B.L.E', (1975), his baritone was still as solid as ever, with its humorously cavernous bottom and its nasal vibrato on top. When he is putting out, reaching for the top notes and shaping phrases with the same easy inviduality that has always marked his best work, he is still the King.'

Basically, the Germans came to us and said, 'We don't have a sense of humour.'

American Beer is a lot like making love on a canoe - it's fucking close to water.

As long as there are innocent nickels to be made from the gullible, Python-starved public, I shall be out there dressed in silly frocks and singing filthy lyrics. I'm coming your way in search of ancient dollars.

We would only do a (Monty Python) reunion if Graham (Chapman) came back from the dead. So we're negotiating with his agent.

It's nothing short of a miracle that for years women have worked together side by side in the kitchens of America. I would have been willing to bet in an atmosphere of blunt instruments and sharp cutlery, not one of them would have been left alive.

Memory deficiency got so bad with me, I forgot to repeat a piece of gossip I swore on my Grandmother's Grave never to divulge.

Ernest Bramah's China, then, is the fantastic bogus China of convention, not the real historical thing at all. He wrote of it in a prose so perfectly conceived that it becomes a miracle of style. As Hilaire Belloc once observed, the sly humor and philosophy of Bramah's stories is a trick he achieves by pretending to adapt the flavor of Chinese literary conventions into the English. But the thing I love most about the tales is their irony and the brilliance of their wit.

The gingham dog went 'Bow-wow-wow!' And the calico cat replied 'Mee-ow!' The air was littered, an hour or so, With bits of gingham and calico.

Please bear in mind throughout that IT IS MEANT TO BE FUNNY.

One well-known critic has been pleased to like this extravaganza better than anything I have written. Personally I prefer 'The Offshore Pirate.' But, to tamper slightly with Lincoln: If you like this sort of thing, this, possibly, is the sort of thing you'll like.

And then I went over to the concession stand to get some tea and I ran into Fiona Apple, and I was like, 'Who do you think you are, Fiona Snapple?'

[about his alter-ego] I don't think Geraldine will be back. She was the girl of my dreams, and she carried me longer than my mother did.

Intermingle...jest with earnest.

Pour ce que rire est le propre de l'homme.

When I was a boy, I said, 'Daddy, take me to the zoo.' My father said, 'Son, when the zoo wants you, they'll come and get you'.

But Adrian did not hear him. I have mentioned that during dinner, preoccupied with his thoughts, he had bolted his food. Nature now took its toll. An acute spasm suddenly ran though him, and with a brief 'Ouch!' of pain he doubled up and began to walk round in circles. Sir Jasper clicked his tongue impatiently. 'This is no time for doing the Astaire pom-pom dance,' he said sharply.

Hoyle: A star is basically a pretty simple object. Voice from Audience: You'd look pretty simple too, Fred, from a distance of ten parsecs.