Selected humor quotes

1. When I was crossing into Gaza, I was asked at the checkpost whether I was carrying any weapons. I replied: Oh yes, my prayer books.

2. 'I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.'

3. Some subjects are so serious that one can only joke about them.

4. Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.

5. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

6. Laugh at what you hold sacred, and still hold it sacred.

7. I've been accused of every death except the casualty list of the World War.

8. I'm opposed to any sport that reduces the coefficient of friction between me and the ground.

9. Yes, there is a conspiracy, in fact there are a great number of conspiracies that are all tripping each other up. And all of those conspiracies are run by paranoid fantasists and ham-fisted clowns. If you are on a list targeted by the CIA, you really have nothing to worry about. If however, you have a name similar to somebody on a list targeted by the CIA, then you are dead.

10. I have also considered many scientific plans during my pushing you around in your pram!

11. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

12. What goes 0-300 in less than 2 seconds? Your mother on a scale.

13. Nobody and nothing beats The Simpsons. Even after all this time, it's still the best satire since Monty Python.

14. To me, if you are in the same building with Peter Sellers or John Cleese, or any of those guys and holding your own making other people laugh, that's a compliment.

15. Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.

16. I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.

17. Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.

18. I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs.

19. I never think that people die. They just go to department stores.

20. I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

21. Wit is well-bred insolence.

22. Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

23. The gods too are fond of a joke.

24. The secret to humor is surprise.

25. Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

26. If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

27. We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

28. I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

29. It can take a surprisingly long time to get from one part of my mind to another.

30. Sooner or later, I'll be punctual.

31. Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with some of the living.

32. Do you believe in apathy at first sight?

33. Where would I be without my sense of direction.

34. The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

35. They laughed at Edison and Einstein, but somehow I still feel uncomfortable when they laugh at me.

36. What I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle.

37. There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before.

38. Life is too important to be taken as a joke, but too ridiculous to be taken seriously.

39. All I ask of Life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

40. I like who I am, and am puzzled to find that not everybody shares this opinion.

41. I love three girls at once...if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to.

42. You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.

43. Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'

44. I'll never forget the time I tried Cocaine. Horrible experience. Of course, I was on Acid at the time... (Monologue from his Saturday Night Live appearance)

45. (Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives!

46. One day I was driving home and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked why, he said, ''Cause you came home early!'

47. I have a BMW. But only because BMW stands for Bob Marley and The Wailers, and not because I need an expensive car.

48. 'Let's see if I've got this straight,' he returned. It was a phrase of hers that he had adopted 'It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, and there's this couple lying naked in bed reading the Enclyclopaedia Britannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more 'numinous' than the Resurrection. Do they know how to have a good time or don't they?'

49. Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Fuck you. Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans : fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy.'

50. Skiiers regard snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders regard skiiers as Elmer Fudd.

51. It's the Chinese 'Year of the Pig' - I'm still writing 'Year of the Monkey' on all my checks.

52. I ain't seen pussy in so long I'd throw stones at it.

53. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?** mocking the TV-violence debate

54. It's not easy being a man! Oh no..I had to get dressed today... and there are other pressures.

55. 'It's broccoli, dear.' 'I say it's spinach, and I say the hell with it.'

56. The lady said, 'It's no good trying to buy a paper here. That Sir William Beveridge is going to abolish want, so all the papers were sold out'. Later that day or the next day I asked him to come to lunch. I was meeting with Evelyn Waugh, an old friend and famous writer. They did not get on at all well. Evelyn Waugh said to him at the end, 'How do you get your main pleasure in life, Sir William?' He paused and said, 'I get mine trying to leave the world a better place than I found it'. Evelyn Waugh said, 'I get mine spreading alarm and despondency' - this was in the height of the war - 'and I get more satisfaction than you do'. So he did not meet with universal acclamation, but nearly everyone admired Beveridge at that time. He was a wonderful man.

57. 'I'm as gay as a daffodil, darling.'

58. Some of you might be familiar with some of my more famous tips from the past. How to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!

59. Saliva is known to cause cancer. But only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

60. Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to us. She said, 'You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cock-sucker from Guatemala.'

61. Two heart attacks has changed my diet, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

62. 'Would you kill someone for that?...I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore...I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it,...No, I think I could. I think he could be looking me in the eye, you know, and I could just be choking the life out. Is this wrong? I stopped wearing my What Would Jesus -- band -- Do, and I've lost all sense of right and wrong now. I used to be able to say, 'Yeah, I'd kill Michael Moore,' and then I'd see the little band: What Would Jesus Do? And then I'd realize, 'Oh, you wouldn't kill Michael Moore. Or at least you wouldn't choke him to death.' And you know, well, I'm not sure.' Note: This is viewed by most as humor. [1]

63. Like enough, you won't be glad, When they come to hang you, lad: But bacon's not the only thing That's cured by hanging from a string.

64. 'I have transcended that phase in my intellectual growth where I discover humour in simple freakishness. What exists is real; therefore it is tragic, since whatever lives must die. Only fantasy, the vapors rising from sheer nonsense, can now excite my laughter.' - Lord Pirmence of Castle Lutez

65. 'I love your duck with all its ducky goodness.' [In a Q&A when Jenny told him that, her duck loves him and asked if he loved it back.]

66. I do have some sad news to report. Bjork couldn't be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

67. I'm grateful that I have two middle fingers, I only wish I had more.

68. He [Mark Twain] spoke of humor, and thought it must be one of the chief attributes of God. He cited plants and animals that were distinctly humorous in form and in their characteristics. These he declared were God's jokes.

69. When I quoted Bulwer Lytton's 'The pen is mightier than the sword' to Marty Feldman he added reflectively, 'Yes, and considerably easier to write with.'

70. Stormtrooper Mel (Mel Brooks): 'Don't be stupid, be a smarty / Come and join the Nazi Party!'

71. I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.[1]

72. See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for 'sale'. Please alphabetize 'it'.'[2]

73. Check this joke out: (Pointing to the back of the room as if to relay his post-show whereabouts.) If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be : fuckin' surprised.

74. I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.' Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean.'[3]

75. I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'[4]

76. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.[7]

77. I got an ant farm...them fellas didn't grow shit.

78. On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'

79. This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause.'

80. I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist

81. I drank some boiling water 'cuz I wanted to whistle

82. My doctor has advised me to give up those intimate little dinners for four. Unless there are three people eating with me.

83. And now you've got athletes on cocaine. You have baseball players having to go in front of grand juries saying, 'Yeah! I did cocaine. But can you blame me, though? It's a slow goddamn game, jack! Third base coach is doing this shit all the time. I don't know whether to slide or do a line, you know what I'm sayin'? And then there's that music. That (intro to CHARGE!)

84. I'm the same asshole, I just have fewer dents in my car!

85. They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament. That's also like talking about partial circumcision. Same thing. You either go all the way or fucking forget it! You know what I'm saying.

86. You realize God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

87. I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

88. I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.

89. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.

90. I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?' He said...'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'

91. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

92. My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

93. 'Take my camel, dear,' said my aunt Dot, as she climbed down from this animal on her return from High Mass.

94. You can pretend to be serious but you can't pretend to be funny.

95. I hope you go before me because I don't want you singing at my funeral.

96. I don't think I'd believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my Lucky Astrology Mood Watch.

97. (Martin): Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.

98. I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

99. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.

100. I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.