3,379 Humor Quotes

When I was crossing into Gaza, I was asked at the checkpost whether I was carrying any weapons. I replied: Oh yes, my prayer books.

Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.

I'm opposed to any sport that reduces the coefficient of friction between me and the ground.

Yes, there is a conspiracy, in fact there are a great number of conspiracies that are all tripping each other up. And all of those conspiracies are run by paranoid fantasists and ham-fisted clowns. If you are on a list targeted by the CIA, you really have nothing to worry about. If however, you have a name similar to somebody on a list targeted by the CIA, then you are dead.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Nobody and nothing beats The Simpsons. Even after all this time, it's still the best satire since Monty Python.

To me, if you are in the same building with Peter Sellers or John Cleese, or any of those guys and holding your own making other people laugh, that's a compliment.

Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.

I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.

Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.

I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs.

I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Wit is well-bred insolence.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

It can take a surprisingly long time to get from one part of my mind to another.

Sooner or later, I'll be punctual.

Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with some of the living.

Do you believe in apathy at first sight?

Where would I be without my sense of direction.

The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

They laughed at Edison and Einstein, but somehow I still feel uncomfortable when they laugh at me.

What I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle.

There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before.

Life is too important to be taken as a joke, but too ridiculous to be taken seriously.

All I ask of Life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

I like who I am, and am puzzled to find that not everybody shares this opinion.

King George VI of the United Kingdom: 'How many men have you killed in war, General Patton?' Patton: 'Seven, sir.'. Eisenhower: 'How many did you say, General Patton?' Patton: 'Three, sir.' Eisenhower: 'Ok, George, we'll let you get away with that.'

Obviously, it's a great privilege and pleasure to be here at the Yale Law School Sesquicentennial Convocation. And I defy anyone to say that and chew gum at the same time.

I was America's first instant Vice President, and now America's first instant President. The Marine Corps band is so confused, they don't know whether to play 'Hail to the Chief' or 'You've Come a Long Way, Baby'.

Perhaps his laughter saved them - it must be difficult to shoot a laughing man: you have to feel important to kill.

We mustn't complain too much of being comedians-it's an honourable profession. If only we could be good ones the world might gain at least a sense of style. We have failed-that's all. We are bad comedians, we aren't bad men.

I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate.

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay!

If I held you any closer I'd be in back of you.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Mr. Grover [Doing an informal job interview]: What experience have you had at a department store? Wolf J. Flywheel (Groucho): I was a shoplifter for three years.

A likely story - and probably true.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest.

I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience, that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St.Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as 'The Tail Of Two Cities.' I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore.

I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

Hello, Cocoanut Arms. Yes, we have a dining room. If it's fish, we have it. If it's meat, we have it. If it's fowl, we've had it too long.

Ice water? Eat an onion, that'll make your eyes water!

Be free my friends. One for all and all for me, and me for you, and three for five, and six for a quarter.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Believe me, you've got to get up pretty early in the morning if you want to get out of bed.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.

I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Groucho: Would you mind getting up off of that fly paper and giving the flies a chance? Chico: Flies can't read papers.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce - and so will my wife.

It's nice to have seen you, and I've got nobody to blame but myself.

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

[regarding Mrs. Teasdale's late husband] Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

[To Mrs. Claypool] That woman? You know why I was with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, that's why I'm sitting here with you - because you remind me of you!

(while taking another character's pulse) Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Hey, don't drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce!

Send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.

Emily, I have a confession to make: I really am a horse doctor; but marry me and I'll never look at any other horse.

I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

An apprentice mortician? What, do you only bury live people?

Because we were a kid act, we traveled at half-fare, despite the fact that we were all around twenty. Minnie insisted we were thirteen. 'That kid of yours is in the dining car smoking a cigar,' the conductor told her. 'And another one is in the washroom shaving.' Minnie shook her head sadly. 'They grow so fast.'

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.