45 Robin Williams Quotes on Humor

Robin Williams quotes on humor

1. And you realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself. You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself. You realize you're an alcoholic...oh, dammit, dammit, God DAMMIT.

2. And now you've got athletes on cocaine. You have baseball players having to go in front of grand juries saying, 'Yeah! I did cocaine. But can you blame me, though? It's a slow goddamn game, jack! Third base coach is doing this shit all the time. I don't know whether to slide or do a line, you know what I'm sayin'? And then there's that music. That (intro to CHARGE!)

3. I'm the same asshole, I just have fewer dents in my car!

8. They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament. That's also like talking about partial circumcision. Same thing. You either go all the way or fucking forget it! You know what I'm saying.

9. Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and cats going, 'I'm outta here, prick!', warning. Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep and you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, '$50,000 for snacks,' MAYDAY!

10. You have the right to bear arms, you have the right to arm bears, what ever the hell you want to do!

12. Mai Tai; Polynesian word for dumbfuck.

13. Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumsize yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!

14. Thank you. How...DY! Whoops, wrong Opera House. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!

15. Ballet: men wearing pants so tight, you can tell what religion they are.

16. The professor was on acid, and sometimes, he'd shout, 'I'm Lincoln!' And then, there'd be a kid in the back, 'I'm Booth!'

20. I know there's one country in the world that doesn't have some horrible weapon of mass destruction they don't have some horrible weapons lab in the mountains ....Jamaica. They would never make an Atomic Bomb; they may make an Atomic Bong. But I'd rather fight a war with an Atomic Bong. (Jamaican accent) 'Cuz when the Atomic Bomb goes off there's devastation and radiation. When the Atomic Bong goes off there's celebration!

21. You realize God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

22. And everyone is worried about players playing baseball, you know, on steroids, and I'm like 'Really? Well here's a quick way you can tell.' Two things happen when you're on steroids: your balls shrink, and your head grows. So if you see a player step up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinets, *makes umpire motion* YER OUT!!!

24. The nice Germans, they are the Swiss or as they like to say the other white race. Now how butch is an army who has a wine opener on its knife? How tough are they in combat? 'Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire.'

27. Winston Churchill, the greatest orator of all time, was so fucked up on champagne and cognac, that he may not have done some of his own speeches. They were done by a man from the BBC who did Winnie the Pooh. 'We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land, Eeyore and Tigger!'

30. [as a stoned NASA scientist] Okay, okay check this out. The Mars lander...I did the calculations in feet...but I programmed it in meters! Oops! So instead of landing, fucker buried! 180 million dollar, whoopsie! Two years, SPLAT! Oh, oh, this is great, this is, shh, shh...the Hubble telescope...I forgot to put in the lens! *covers one eye* 'Read the top line for me?' 'Uh, Alpha Centauri, uh...Sirius, the rest is just a black hole!'

31. When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba The Hutt? He's huge! You're a Kennedy, not a Macy's Day float. 'Bring him down! We're voting!'

35. Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned execution on retarded people and people in Texas are going, 'Shit, where's the fun now?' 'Cause they were zapping retarded people every other week, it was like 'Go sit on Santa's lap, Tommy!' [Electrical static] God dang! And I know the definition of retarded in Texas is pretty wide but... Its true! Even the Taliban is like, 'You people are crazy mutha-fuckers!'

36. [In a French Accent] Look! I'm giving a cigarette to baby. Do it! Suck on this cigarette my darling life is shit. Get to know this. Oh you Americans, 'don't give the cigarette to the baby.' Fuck you Americans. Americans, with your Political Correct - Americans, fuck all of you! You cultureless crap, Americans! We hate all of you! Oh fuck all - Ah! The Germans are here! Hello Americans! I love you! Come on Americans! Allo! Welcome back Americans! No, come. You can build a Disneyland near Paris; we wont go, but build it! And we'll have a Minnie Mouse with armpit hair, it will be great. Smoking a galoise, going, 'I never loved Mickey, you know that? What? He has three fingers. What am I? A bowling ball, fuck off!'

37. Sh...theres a gay mafia... sh!!! 'The Mauve Hand', sh... Fairy Godfather, 'Does this pistol make my ass look big?'

42. Homeland Security - they had to be careful with that name. They couldn't name it 'Fatherland Security' or else there would be old Germans going, 'Ja, thats a good one.' But, Homeland Security, it sounds like (with British accent) 'Homefront Security,' which was England during World War II, we would have a bunch of Englishmen going 'I did it! I captured Rudolph Hess personally, I threw my colostomy bag and covered him in shite and said 'get out of that fokker you fucker, get out!''

45. How do you get crucifixion and resurrection and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs. Wild stretch. Even kids are going 'Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this?' And I know you don't want to see a kid bite the head off a chocolate Jesus, that's not good. You don't want a little cream-filled cross going 'Pwh', you don't want that! And you don't want to spread raspberry jam in the grass and say, 'C'mon kids, we're looking for Jesus!'

48. If you want a linguistic adventure - [slipping into Scottish accent] - go drinking with a Scotsman. 'Cause you couldn't fucking understand them before!

49. They said the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they fucking put it.

51. For those of you playing the home game this is called a Prince Albert. I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure he said, 'Victoria I'm dying...I would like you to name a Museum, a music hall, and a bolt through the cock after me. That'll be Victoria's secret. Go and sell little thongs with that little anal floss.'

52. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're going to Georgia, Jane Fonda and Ted Turner broke up. Yes they did. Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him.

53. You know you get that tattoo of a barbed wire now when you're 18 and by the time you're 80 it's a fucking picket fence.

54. Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water - Check that shit out.

55. It's very difficult to have a call to jihad, with a mouthful of peanut butter.

56. And remember; John Ashcroft is the one who lost to a dead man in Missouri. You can't forget this, the choices were John Ashcroft, dead man. And people in Missouri are like, 'I'm sorry John...the dead man scares me less than you do!'

57. And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish; yes he was. C'mon, 30 years old, lives with his parents, come on! He takes his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, give it up!

58. So pharaoh finally said, 'Thats it! Hebrews, GET OUT!' So it was like, 'Mah nishtadonai, everybody, come on. Let's not wait for the bread to rise, just take the crackers and the skin off your penis, we're leaving!' 'Why the skin off our penis?' 'Because we're traveling people, you don't want to get sand down there.'

59. Do you think they could make a drug to give you mental clarity into your golden years? No! But they have a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra.

61. Is it me or are cats drag queens? With the way they just go (flaunts bottom), 'Who loves kitty? Ya love kitty? Are these your shoes? (retches) Who loves kitty? Who loves kitty?' Especially where they have that thing, male cats, where they go (takes a water bottle and pours some water on stage) 'That's mine. (pours) Mine! (pours) I like that, too!' Thank God men aren't like that. 'Hey, nice car, Bob. (pours) Mine now!' 'What are you doing?' 'Oh, just shopping!'

62. (from the CD of the tour) Because your appliances are now talking to each other...about you. You don't wanna be three o'clock in the morning going, 'Yes, refrigerator, open please.' (as the refrigerator) 'No, Robin, I've talked to the scale and your ass is huge.' (as himself) 'Refrigerator, Haagen-Dazs, override, code 3.0?' (as the refrigerator) 'No, Robin, 'til you've logged 2.2 hours on the treadmoil.' The 'treadmoil,' which is a really hard thing - That's where you can actually run and be circumcised!! Wow! There's a product for the Jewish man on the go! A treadmoil! Can you believe it?! I'm losing weight and losing my foreskin at the same time!! Call now for Peal's Pocket Treadmoil!

65. (Spoofing Mr. Rogers) It's a beautiful day in the neigborhood... oh damn. Someone stole my sneakers. We're gonna do some wonderful things today, boys and girls, but first, you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house... Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay? (Pause) He knows where he's going. (makes beep sound) pop goes the weasle. That's severe radiation. Can you say severe radiation? Oh, look you got a little balloon, now.

67. I have a career. What the hell am I doing? (From Whose Line Is It Anyway, during the game Scenes From A Hat, which the scene was 'What Robin Williams Is Thinking Right Now')

69. Carpe per diem: Seize the check.

70. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? (Mork & Mindy)

74. If alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniel's is the wheelchair.

76. 'Compassionate Conservative', that's kind of like having a gun rack on a Volvo.

77. Things you don't hear at the Tonys (Broadway Award Show), 'Don't wait up kids'.

79. You want an amendment against same-sex marriage? Anyone who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex! (Man of the Year, 2006)

80. I did not have sex with that woman. I wanted to! (Man of the Year, 2006)