And everyone is worried about players playing baseball, you know, on steroids, and I'm like 'Really? Well here's a quick way you can tell.' Two things happen when you're on steroids: your balls shrink, and your head grows. So if you see a player step up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinets, *makes umpire motion* YER OUT!!!

You realize God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

They're patting down a five year old kid 'What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me.'

I know there's one country in the world that doesn't have some horrible weapon of mass destruction they don't have some horrible weapons lab in the mountains .…

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on gr…

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Interviewer: You once said you had a drug problem... Lily: Yeah, I still do. It's so hard to find good grass these days.