(Spoofing Mr. Rogers) It's a beautiful day in the neigborhood... oh damn. Someone stole my sneakers. We're gonna do some wonderful things today, boys and girls, but first, you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house... Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay? (Pause) He knows where he's going. (makes beep sound) pop goes the weasle. That's severe radiation. Can you say severe radiation? Oh, look you got a little balloon, now.

I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.

(As a Shakespearean Narrator) Mind not my words - Let the PLAY be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself, anon.

(also from the album) When you're sixteen, you're invincible. When you're 18, you're invincible and know every fucking thing. You fall in love for the first ti…

For Heaven's sake, send help! There's a man trying to get into my room and the door's locked!

Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumsize yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an…

Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.