48 Dark humor Quotes

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.

My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and seven people died.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Like enough, you won't be glad, When they come to hang you, lad: But bacon's not the only thing That's cured by hanging from a string.

I do have some sad news to report. Bjork couldn't be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

'No no, Jock:we're going to push him out of a window. Your bedroom window, I think. Yes, and we'll undress him first and say that he was making advances to you and jumped out of the window in a frenzy of thwarted love.' 'I say, Charlie, really, what a filthy rotten idea; I mean, think of my wife.' 'I never think of policemen's wives, their beauty maddens me like wine.'

'Death Before Dishonour' I always used to wonder 'Hey, exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here?' 'Cause I could handle quite a lot. I would, for instance, fellate a Smurf before I picked death. I'd cook him a little Smurf omelette as I was doing it, you know, I'd be perfectly happy doing that. Seasoning it with thyme, you know, listening to his happy satisfied Smurf lip smacks. But every man thinks about Smurfs. They don't say it, but they do. That's why I'm here, to be honest. Just once, you know, what would it be like? Nobody needs to know, you go away for the weekend. Just once, to have the blue salty bulb lolling on your tongue ... if I don't say it, nobody else will.'

I can't wait until the Middle East really explodes. Ancient hatred and modern weapons. My kind of show, man!

I had a wet dream about you last night. I dreamt you got hit by a bus, and I pissed myself laughing.

'You could be a hit man for the Scorpions; your job is to kill people and make me macaroni and cheese.'

Railway Worker : 'You shifty nigger! They said you was hung!' Sheriff Bart : 'And they was right!'

For those of you playing the home game this is called a Prince Albert. I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure he said, 'Victoria I'm dying...I would like you to name a Museum, a music hall, and a bolt through the cock after me. That'll be Victoria's secret. Go and sell little thongs with that little anal floss.'

(Spoofing Mr. Rogers) It's a beautiful day in the neigborhood... oh damn. Someone stole my sneakers. We're gonna do some wonderful things today, boys and girls, but first, you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house... Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay? (Pause) He knows where he's going. (makes beep sound) pop goes the weasle. That's severe radiation. Can you say severe radiation? Oh, look you got a little balloon, now.

(about Bonnie Tyler being slightly tipsy on Nevermind the Buzzcocks) 'Shall we pump her stomach? I don't know what to do!'

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

'I can't have your subjects throwing my family over the balcony, that would never do.' 'Good,' said Snibril. 'I'll do it myself.'

I'd push the lot of you over a cliff myself. Except the one in the wheelchair, I think I'd lose the sympathy vote before people had time to think it through.

Man: 'I understand you buried your wife several years ago.' WC: 'Yes, I had to. She died.' (from the film Poppy)

[to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

'I put a little ballerina outfit on him and beat him senseless. The crowd seems to love this.' (from 'The Gay Model')

I wouldn't have been surprised if they had voted me Most Likely To Kill Everyone At A High School Dance. (1993)

He lies in an empty room With his hair burnt to the back It sure sounds funny When you say his name like that.

I'll wake up in the morning and think, 'Maybe I'll go out and catch me a twelve year old today.'

You know that when Jesse Helms finally dies, he's gonna commit suicide out back in a washtub underneath a pecan tree. He's gonna slash his wrists and he's gonna write in blood, 'I've been a bad boy.' And you know they're gonna find the skins of young kids drying in his attic, swarms of horseflies going in and out of the eaves, and on CNN over and over, his wife going, 'I always wondered about Jesse's collection of little shoes :'

So, thanks for coming out, I guess. Yeah, it's good to see people, you know. The newsman is so horrifying you get the impression you're just going to walk out your door and immediately be raped by some cracked-addicted, AIDS-infected : pit bull or something.

'Hi! I'm Crazy Eddie! I put babies on spikes. Do you want a rack of babies? We've got babies on racks! Mmm, they taste of chicken!' They do! Babies taste of chicken! Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken, so babies must taste of chicken. And chicken tastes of humans. Good, I'm glad you're coming with me on that.

'You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Lunch, Death, Death, Death, Afternoon Tea, Death, Death, Death, Quick shower:''

'It's my duty to go. Little Johnnie, little Susie, I'm off to the war.' 'Don't go, Daddy, don't go.' 'I must go.' 'Bring us back something, Daddy, will you?' 'I'll bring you back a Nazi with real hair.'

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

If Hitler wouldn't have killed the Jews, I'd now have to shine their shoes in the middle of Freedom Avenue.

Romanian-Jewish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.

I am available for children's parties, by the way : I'm Beelzebozo, The Clown from hell. [singing] It's Beelzebozo time :

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big, healthy gut laugh. Ha ha ha ha! Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they're totally divided on abortion. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people : are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: 'They're annoying, they're idiots.' 'They're evil, they're fucks!' Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that's me :