Jacob Cohen Quotes

• I don't get no respect!!!
• You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny BoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold!
• A girl called me the other day and said 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
• A hooker told me 'Not on the first date.'
• Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.
• My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
• During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.
• I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.
• I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
• I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• I said to the bartender 'Surprise me.' He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.
• I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
• I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
• I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.
• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous- everyone hasn't met me yet.
• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
• I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
• I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!'
• I was such an ugly kid- when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
• My father never liked me, he'd tell me to go out and play 'Hide and-go-fuck-yourself'.
• I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
• I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?' He said...'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'
• I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
• I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice- I don't know if I'm coming or going.
• I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.
• If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
• It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...
• It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, 'I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.'
• Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?
• Life is just a bowl of pits.
• My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
• My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
• My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.
• My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.
• My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
• That's the story of my life, no respect, ya know?
• The other night I told my kid 'Someday, you'll have children of your own.' He said 'So will you.'
• The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.
• When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said, 'Is there someone else?' She said, 'There must be.'
• When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!
• When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.
• With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
• With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...
• With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.
• Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
• You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.
• I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.
• I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want!
• I love three girls at once...if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to.
• Don't worry honey, I didn't see a thing...you're perfect!
• You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.
• Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'
• I'll never forget the time I tried Cocaine. Horrible experience. Of course, I was on Acid at the time... (Monologue from his Saturday Night Live appearance)
• (Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives!
• One day I was driving home and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked why, he said, ''Cause you came home early!'
• Epitaph on his tombstone:

jacob cohen