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63 Jacob Cohen Quotes

Jacob Cohen shares blunt, relationship-focused jokes that expose family quirks with a wink.

Jacob Cohen quotes

  1. I don't get no respect!!!

    #1

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  2. You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny BoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold!

    #2

  3. A girl called me the other day and said 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

    #3

  4. A hooker told me 'Not on the first date.'

    #4

  5. Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.

    #5

  6. My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

    #6

  7. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

    #7

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  8. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

    #8

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  9. I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

    #9

  10. I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.

    #10

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  11. I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

    #11

  12. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

    #12

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  13. I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.

    #13

  14. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    #14

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  15. I said to the bartender 'Surprise me.' He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.

    #15

  16. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

    #16

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  17. I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

    #17

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  18. I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.

    #18

  19. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous- everyone hasn't met me yet.

    #19

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  20. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

    #20

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  21. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.

    #21

  22. I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!'

    #22

  23. I was such an ugly kid- when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

    #23

  24. My father never liked me, he'd tell me to go out and play 'Hide and-go-fuck-yourself'.

    #24

  25. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

    #25

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  26. I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?' He said...'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'

    #26

  27. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    #27

  28. I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice- I don't know if I'm coming or going.

    #28

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  29. I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.

    #29

  30. If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

    #30

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  31. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...

    #31

  32. It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, 'I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.'

    #32

  33. Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?

    #33

  34. Life is just a bowl of pits.

    #34

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  35. My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

    #35

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  36. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

    #36

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  37. My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

    #37

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  38. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

    #38

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  39. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

    #39

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  40. My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.

    #40

  41. My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.

    #41

  42. My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

    #42

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  43. That's the story of my life, no respect, ya know?

    #43

  44. The other night I told my kid 'Someday, you'll have children of your own.' He said 'So will you.'

    #44

  45. The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.

    #45

  46. When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said, 'Is there someone else?' She said, 'There must be.'

    #46

  47. When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!

    #47

  48. When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.

    #48

  49. With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

    #49

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  50. With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...

    #50

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  51. With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.

    #51

  52. Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

    #52

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

  53. You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.

    #53

  54. I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.

    #54

  55. I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want!

    #55

  56. I love three girls at once...if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to.

    #56

  57. Don't worry honey, I didn't see a thing...you're perfect!

    #57

  58. You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.

    #58

  59. Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'

    #59

  60. I'll never forget the time I tried Cocaine. Horrible experience. Of course, I was on Acid at the time... (Monologue from his Saturday Night Live appearance)

    #60

  61. (Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives!

    #61

  62. One day I was driving home and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked why, he said, ''Cause you came home early!'

    #62

  63. Epitaph on his tombstone:

    #63