Jacob Cohen Quotes

Jacob Cohen shares blunt, relationship-focused jokes that expose family quirks with a wink.

83 quotes

1. I don't get no respect!!!

2. You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny BoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold!

3. A girl called me the other day and said 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

4. A hooker told me 'Not on the first date.'

5. Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.

6. My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

7. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

8. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

9. I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

10. I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.

11. I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

13. I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.

14. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

15. I said to the bartender 'Surprise me.' He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.

16. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

17. I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

18. I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.

19. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous- everyone hasn't met me yet.

20. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

21. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.

22. I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!'

23. I was such an ugly kid- when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

24. My father never liked me, he'd tell me to go out and play 'Hide and-go-fuck-yourself'.

25. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

26. I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?' He said...'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'

27. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

28. I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice- I don't know if I'm coming or going.

29. I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.

30. If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

31. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...

32. It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, 'I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.'

33. Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?

34. Life is just a bowl of pits.

35. My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

36. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

37. My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

38. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

39. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

40. My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.

41. My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.

42. My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

43. That's the story of my life, no respect, ya know?

44. The other night I told my kid 'Someday, you'll have children of your own.' He said 'So will you.'

45. The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.

46. When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said, 'Is there someone else?' She said, 'There must be.'

47. When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!

48. When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.

49. With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

50. With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...

51. With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.

52. Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

53. You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.

54. I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.

55. I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want!

56. I love three girls at once...if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to.

57. Don't worry honey, I didn't see a thing...you're perfect!

58. You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.

59. Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'

60. I'll never forget the time I tried Cocaine. Horrible experience. Of course, I was on Acid at the time... (Monologue from his Saturday Night Live appearance)

61. (Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives!

62. One day I was driving home and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked why, he said, ''Cause you came home early!'

63. Epitaph on his tombstone:

64. I dislike the phrase 'social media.' 'Social media' is merely a way to describe new tools in an old and narrow paradigm where we measure success by how many people are reached.

65. Privacy and security are the ultimate shared responsibility, and everyone - including governments, companies, and citizens - have an important role to play.

66. I think companies need to put up tools that put privacy and security in the hands of their users and make it easy to understand those tools. In Google's case, two-step verification is a perfect example of this.

67. We live in a world where all wars will begin as cyber wars... It's the combination of hacking and massive, well-coordinated disinformation campaigns.

68. The virtual world is a 'public square' much more vast than Tiananmen Square. And you can't send in the tanks to crush the netizens.

69. Name any issue in the world, I can tell you how technology is intertwined with it. I can tell you how technology will make it better. How it can make it worse. It needs to be part of everything that we do, whether you are a government or a company or a citizen.

70. Technology is a tool, and it's a platform. Nobody gets arrested for being a blogger; people get arrested for dissent. Nobody gets arrested for putting information about themselves online; they get arrested for being an activist. I'm a strong believer in the fact that you should not blame the tools; you should blame the circumstances.

71. The importance of human judgment does not evaporate in the future, and as connected individuals, we will have to exercise sound judgment about what we choose to share or not share about ourselves.

72. If you're not creating waves, then you're not pushing enough.

73. I want to use the best technology we have at our disposal to begin to take on trolling and other nefarious tactics that give hostile voices disproportionate weight. To do everything we can to level the playing field.

74. Kids are coming online and connecting at a pace that's faster than their physical maturation process. Would you ever imagine that you'd have to talk to your kid about phishing before you're talking to him about the birds and the bees?

75. Essentially, it's not that technology or cyberspace is some parallel universe that operates tangentially from the world we know; it is simply a new front in the international system.

76. Cyber weapons won't go away, and their spread can't be controlled. Instead, as we've done for other destructive technologies, the world needs to establish a set of principles to determine the proper conduct of governments regarding cyber conflict.

77. The intensity of cyber conflict around the world is increasing, and the tools are becoming cheaper and more readily available.

78. The number of people who believe in stopping violence in the world is wildly greater than those that want to perpetrate it. When everybody has a smartphone, the ability for people to actually do something about violence goes up significantly.

79. It's not a panacea: there are problems in the world that technology can't fix. You can't fix water shortages. You can't storm a Ministry of the Interior with a cell phone. You can't magically create leaders and institutions overnight. You can't eat it. You can't shield a bullet.

80. For people involved in pre-meditated crimes, whether it is terrorism or robbery or something else, their use of technology means that they leave a digital trail, and the room for error goes up dramatically. In the future, it will be easier for violent people to make mistakes and get caught before they commit their crimes.

81. At a certain point, a critical mass of people either have used the Internet or have expectations. Anything less than the free flow of information will be seen as having something taken away. We've seen time and again - in Egypt and Iran, for example - that creates a backlash.

82. My job is to put as many ideas out there as possible every day. Some of them will get traction, some won't - some of them shouldn't.

83. When you work at Google and tell these engineers that their skill set is relevant to somebody in Iran who doesn't have access to information in their country or the rest of the world, it really inspires them to want to do something about it. There is a genuine altruism that exists at this company, and that's why I'm here and not anywhere else.