I'll never forget the time I tried Cocaine. Horrible experience. Of course, I was on Acid at the time... (Monologue from his Saturday Night Live appearance)

Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'

(Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives!

You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down …

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. …

I'll never forget the time I tried Cocaine. Horrible experience. Of course, I was on Acid at the time... (Monologue from his Saturday Night Live appearance)

It's done a lot of players a lot of good. And obviously, this drug is a drug where it's dose-related. Anything in overdose will destroy your liver. I mean, loo…