59 Scott Adams Quotes

Scott Adams quotes

1. Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons

2. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

3. They say that dogs lick their own genitalia because they can. But I think it's at least partially because they don't have the Internet.

4. The world isn't fair, but as long as it's tilting in my direction I find that there's a natural cap to my righteous indignation.

5. As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.

6. If there is one thing that our role models in this election have taught us, it's that omitting important information is completely different from lying.

7. The biggest issue in this election is something called flip-flopping, and all candidates are accused of doing it. A strong leader is expected to maintain steadfast resolve in his opinion even if the environment changes or he gets new information. In any other context, that would be considered the first sign of a brain tumor. When presidents do it, it's called leadership, and frankly, we can't get enough of it.

8. Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first.

9. Ask a deeply religious Christian if he'd rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don't seem so bad lately.

10. There's nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.

11. Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

12. You might think the word 'homemade' is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don't realize is that the staff sleeps here at night. If your tablecloth is wrinkled, that's why.

13. We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English.

14. If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

15. If you have questions about this salad, give your server the spinach inquisition.

16. Named after the great romaine emperor, Julius Salad.

17. We smoke the bacon so you don't have to.

18. This sandwich used to include endive, but no one wanted to eat a BELT.

19. Our salmon sandwiches are so good you'll want to swim upstream to our kitchen and spawn. But please don't.

20. If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.

21. We use only the finest days of the week in this dish.

22. This dish might not turn you into a syndicated cartoonist, but whatever you're doing now probably isn't working either.

23. If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.

24. Stacey puts a little love in each pasta shell. But it's self-love, so it won't help you that much.

25. Biblical scholars tell us that this is the same meal that Jesus ate at the last supper. But hey, I'm sure you have a good reason for ordering something else.

26. Our scallops are so delicious your mouth will thank you, which is creepy because your mouth can actually talk.

27. There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens.

28. These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print.

29. Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

30. People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.

31. So, I heard the Fed increased the money supply, but I checked my bank balance and it's the same as before.

32. Every generation of humans believed it had all the answers it needed, except for a few mysteries they assumed would be solved at any moment. And they all believed their ancestors were simplistic and deluded. What are the odds that you are the first generation of humans who will understand reality?

33. Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any of that stuff helped, then all the smart people would have the same opinions. So use your 'gut instinct' to make voting choices. That is exactly like being clueless, but with the added advantage that you'll feel as if your random vote preserved democracy.

1. I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.

2. I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only de-motivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles

3. The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

4. Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.

5. Ideas are worthless, execution is everything.

6. For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.

7. The longer you verk here, diverse it gets.

8. The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but there isn't much doubt that I'll always be the 'Dilbert guy.' Unless I go on a crime spree, in which case I'll be that stabbin Dilbert guy.

9. If you see voters as rational, you'll be a terrible politician. People are not wired to be rational. Our brains simply evolved to keep us alive. Brains did not evolve to give us truth. Brains merely give us movies in our minds that keeps us sane and motivated. But none of it is rational or true, except maybe sometimes by coincidence.

10. E-books are impervious to analogy.

11. I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

12. In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.

13. I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

14. Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free.

15. Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room.

16. It is better for your career to do nothing, than to do something and attract criticism.

17. The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits.

18. I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.

19. Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent.

20. Dogbert gazing at night sky No matter how bad the day is, the stars are always there. Dilbert Actually, many of them burned out years ago, but their light is just now reaching earth. DogbertThank you for shattering my comfortable misconception. DilbertIt's the miracle of science.

21. I'm predicting that we'll finally have a computer will search my e-mail automatically and delete every message that begins with 'thought you'd be interested,' and then give an electrical shock to the sender to remind him or her to stop send that kind of message.

22. Ratbert (as lab rat, to scientist): Doc, we have to talk. Every day you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese. At first I thought you were just being a good host. But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister.

23. All vendor demos are boring. It's the law, I think.

24. 'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

25. If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ?

26. The ability to work hard and make sacrifices comes naturally to those who know exactly what they want.