Joan Rivers Quotes

Joan Rivers offers a sharp, witty look at family quirks, life's ups and downs.

31 quotes

1. But seriously, and I'm not making a joke: was the ending happy or sad?

2. Hi who are you wearing, or who the fuck are you? I don't know half of these people anymore.

3. Winona Ryder wouldn't shoplift this!

4. I am pimping it out for you at the Academy Awards.

5. I knew I was unwanted when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and radio.

6. I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

7. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.

8. I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963.

9. Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

10. My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

11. My first sexual experience was rape. No don't give me sympathy, I was lucky he didn't press charges.

12. People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

13. The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

14. They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.

15. Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.

16. Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

17. The Mongols would have just turned around and left if they'd seen the public bathrooms here.

18. Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

19. Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

20. I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?

21. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

22. All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.

23. Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

24. I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

25. Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

26. I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

27. I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.

28. Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

29. My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

30. I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.

31. Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.