- But seriously, and I'm not making a joke: was the ending happy or sad?
- Hi who are you wearing, or who the fuck are you? I don't know half of these people anymore.
- Winona Ryder wouldn't shoplift this!
- I am pimping it out for you at the Academy Awards.
- I knew I was unwanted when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and radio.
- I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
- I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
- I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963.
- Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.
- My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
- My first sexual experience was rape. No don't give me sympathy, I was lucky he didn't press charges.
- People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.
- The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
- They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
- Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.
- Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
- The Mongols would have just turned around and left if they'd seen the public bathrooms here.