'No no, Jock:we're going to push him out of a window. Your bedroom window, I think. Yes, and we'll undress him first and say that he was making advances to you and jumped out of the window in a frenzy of thwarted love.' 'I say, Charlie, really, what a filthy rotten idea; I mean, think of my wife.' 'I never think of policemen's wives, their beauty maddens me like wine.'

I could almost hear him scrabbling about in his brain for a deft, light opening. His Oscar Wilde touch. Martland has only two personalities - Wilde and Eeyore.

Why do people build houses to keep the climate out, then cut holes in the walls to let it in again? I shall never understand.

Somewhere in the trash he reads Martland has read that heavy men walk with surprising lightness and grace; as a result he trips about like a portly elf hoping …

If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article…