- That's why my girlfriend and I broke up: she wanted kids, and I : well, she wanted kids. [laughs] I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She goes, 'Wouldn't it be nice to have a kid? To have this fresh, clean slate which we could fill. A little clean spirit, innocent, and to fill it with good ideas.' Yeah, yeah, how about this? If you're so fucking altruistic, why don't you leave the little clean spirit wherever it is right now? Okay? Horrible act, childbirth. Nightmare. Bringing : I would never bring a kid to this fucking planet.
- You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article front page of the paper one day, in England, 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury.' ...Wooooo. 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! ...What if they become ruffians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shaftesbury tonight. (to the tune of 'Behind Blue Eyes' by The Who) No one knows what it's like... to be a dustbin... in Shaftesbury... with hooligans...'
- I got to see, while I was over there [England] footage of the Rodney King trial, which I had never seen while I was here. I saw footage over there of the Rodney King trial. I think I figured out why the L.A. riots occurred. Did you guys see these cops testifying, man? Did these guys have balls or what, man? These guys carry their balls in a wheelbarrow, man. ''Scuse me, 'scuse me. Man with big balls is here to testify.' 'Place your right testicle on the bible.' Whishh BOOOM. This guy, Officer Coon : is life too fucking weird or what? Officer Coon looks in the camera and actually says: 'Oh, that Rodney King beating tape, it's all in how you look at it.' The courtroom murmurs: 'Jesus, what balls. I've never seen balls of this magnitude. He must have a specially fitted uniform in which to place these large testicles.' 'That's incredible. All in how you look at it, Officer Coon?' 'That's right. It's how you look at the tape.' 'Well would you care to tell the court how you're looking at that?' 'Yeah, okay, sure. It's how you look at it. For instance, well, if you play it backwards, you see us help King up and send him on his way.' 'Mmm . . . not guilty.' ''Scuse me, 'scuse me. Man with big balls has just been acquitted.'
- 'You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. 'I believe God created me in one day.' Yeah, it looks like he rushed it.'
- One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die, you know, and my parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment, find that porno wing I've been adding onto.
- How dare you have a wino tell me not to use drugs?
- You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: 'Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons.' 'How do you know that?' 'Uh, well : we looked at the receipts.'
- I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet: 'Pick it up.' 'I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me.' 'Pick up the gun.' 'Mister, I don't want no trouble, huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, mister.' 'Pick up the gun.' Boom, boom. 'You all saw him. He had a gun.'
- I love the movies, love 'em. Now, I'm watching Terminator 2 the other day, and I'm thinking to myself: They cannot top the stunts in this film, they cannot top this shit, unless : they start using terminally ill people as stunt people in feature films : well, hear me out, 'cause I know to a lot of you this may seem a little cruel. 'Aww, Bill, terminally ill stunt people? That's cruel!' You know what I think's cruel? Leaving your loved ones to die in a hospital room surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies! What, you wanna let your grandmother live out her last days in a sterile hospital room, with translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins? Or do you want her to meet... Chuck Norris?
- Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God! Based on what? I asked them. 'Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages - 12 thousand years.' Well, how fucking scientific! Okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good. You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? 'That's right.' Okay, I got one word to ask you. A one word question. Ready? 'Uh-uh.' Dinosaurs. You know, the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and they existed in that time : you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. 'And lo, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus : with a splinter in his paw. And O, the disciples did run a-shrieking: 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw, and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O, so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And O, Scotland did praise the Lord: 'Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord.''
- 'God put [dinosaur fossils] here to test our faith!'... I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. :[On dinosaur fossils and their relationship to creationism]
- Seriously, does it bother anyone else that God might be fuckin' with our heads?! [Mimes digging] 'Ho ho ho! We'll see who believes in me now!'
- You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?
- A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know.
- I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know, you can go down there and to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called : 'The Assassination Museum'. I think they named it that after the assassination. I can't be too sure of the chronology here, but : anyway, they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it.
- The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney; it's so obviously phoney, okay? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get to suspend our rights one by one.
- Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?
- I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. Okay, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. [starts blinking]
- They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well : you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
- Not all drugs are good. Some : are great.
- It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks pretty good to me right now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and lightly moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy lips right now.
- But you know, I saw this movie last year called Basic : Instinct. Okay. Now, Bill's quick capsule review: Piece of shit. Okay, now : yeah, yeah. End of story, by the way. Don't get caught up in that fevered hype phoney fucking debate about that piece of shit movie. 'Is it too sexist? And what about the movies, are they becoming too :' You're just confused, you've forgotten how to judge correctly. Take a deep breath : look at it again. 'Oh, it's a piece of shit!' Exactly, that's all it is. Satan squatted, let out a loaf, they put a fucking title on it, put it on a marquee - Satan's shit, piece of shit, walk away. 'But is it too : and what about the lesbian content, they :' You're getting really baffled here. Piece of shit! Now walk away. That's all it is, it's nothing more! Free yourself, folks. If you see it: 'Piece of shit!' Say it and walk away. You're right! You're right, not those fuckers who want to tell you how to think! You're fucking right!
- And then I come to find out after that film, that all the lesbian sex scenes : let me repeat that. All the lesbian sex scenes : were cut out of that film because the test audience was turned off by them. Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America. I don't want to seem like Randy Pan, the Goat Boy, but that was the only reason I went to that piece of shit. If I had been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting that film would have been Michael Douglas, demanding his part be put back in, all right. 'I swear I was in that movie. I swear I was!' 'Gee, Mike. The movie started. Sharon Stone was eating another woman for an hour and a half. Then the credits rolled. I don't remember seeing your scrawny ass, Mike.' 'Was Bill Hicks in that test audience?'
- By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourself. Seriously, though. If you are, do. No, really. There's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, okay? Kill yourself. Seriously. You are the ruiner of all things good, seriously. No, this is not a joke, if you're going: 'There's going to be a joke coming.' There's no fucking joke coming. You are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked, and you are fucking us. Kill yourself, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself. Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going: 'He's doing a joke.' There's no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend - I don't care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil fucking machinations. I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too. 'Oh, you know what Bill's doing? He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart.' Oh man. I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags! 'Oh, you know what Bill's doing now? He's going for the righteous indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. Lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research. Huge market. He's doing a good thing.' God damn it, I'm not doing that, you scumbags. Quit putting a goddamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! 'Oh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market, Bill's very bright to do that.' God, I'm just caught in a fucking web. 'Oh, the trapped dollar. Big dollar, huge dollar. Good market, look at our research. We see that many people feel trapped. If we play to that and then separate them into the trapped dollar :' How do you live like that? And I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don't you? 'What did you do today, honey?' 'Oh, we made arsenic childhood food. Now, good night. Yeah, we just said, you know, is your baby really too loud? You know : yeah, the mums will love it, yeah.' Sleep like fucking children, don't you? This is your world, isn't it?
- Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
- I am available for children's parties, by the way : I'm Beelzebozo, The Clown from hell. [singing] It's Beelzebozo time :
- The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us. They say, 'Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because - this is just a ride.' And we : kill those people. 'Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real.' It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus, murdered; Martin Luther King, murdered; Malcolm X, murdered; Gandhi, murdered; John Lennon, murdered; Reagan : wounded. But it doesn't matter, because - it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.
- In many parts of our troubled world, people are yelling 'Revolution!'. In Tennessee they're yelling 'Evolution! We want our thumbs!'
- But I'll tell you this. Where's this idea that childbirth is a miracle come from? I missed that fucking meeting, okay. 'It's a miracle. Childbirth is a miracle.' No, it's not. No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass, all right. It's a chemical reaction, that's all it fucking is. You wanna know what a miracle is? Raising a kid that doesn't talk in a movie theatre. Okay, there. There is a goddamn miracle. Not a miracle if every nine months any yin yang in the world can drop a litter of these mewling cabbages on our planet. And just in case you haven't seen the single mom statistics lately, the miracle is spreading like wild-fire. 'Hallelujah!' Trailer parks and council flats all over the world, just filling up with little miracles. THUNK, THUNK, THUNK - like frogs laying eggs - THUNK. 'Look at all my little miracles' - THUNK - 'filling up my trailer like a sardine can.' THUNK. 'You know what would be a real miracle? If I could remember your daddy's name.' THUNK. 'I guess I'll have to call you Lorry Driver Junior.' THUNK. 'That's all I remember about your daddy, was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me shooting his caffeine-ridden semen into my belly to produce my little water-headed miracle baby. Oh, there's your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery Junior.' 'Hallelujah!' Just hold on for a minute. Let's figure out this food/air deal, okay? Okay. I'm just weird, you know. How about have a neat world for kids to come to? Okay, it's me. Fuck it.
- People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' 'Nothing.' 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' 'Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?'
- I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you look around the world in which we live, and : I don't know, shut your fucking mouth?
- Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight!
- See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke; let me be the first to pop that fucking bubble and send you hurtling back to reality - because you're dead too. And you know what doctors say: 'Shit, if only you'd smoked, we'd have the technology to help you. It's you people dying from nothing who are screwed.'
- And I'll tell you something too. That's starting to annoy me about UFOs, the fact that they cross galaxies or universes to visit us, and always end up in places like : Fyffe fucking Alabama. Maybe these aren't super-intelligent beings, you know what I mean?
- To my delight, I find that there is a different warning on each pack of cigarettes. Mine says: 'Warning: Smoking can cause fetal damage or premature birth.' Fuck it - I've found my brand! 'Yeah, give me a carton of Low Birth Weights.' Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know? Shop around, find a disease you can live with. 'What are you smoking, Dave?' 'Throat Polyps. Want one?' 'No thanks, I'll stick with my Yellow Fingernails.'
- It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?
- Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
- The rock stars today who don't do drugs and who in fact speak out against drugs - 'We're rock against drugs!' - boy, they suck.
- You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years : rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.
- They say rock n' roll is the devil's music. Well, let's say that it is; I've got news for you. Let's say that rock n' roll is the devil's music and we know it for a fact to be the absolutely, unequivocally true. Boy, at least he fucking jams! Ha ha ha ha! Okay? Did you hear that correctly? If it's a choice between eternal hell and good tunes and eternal heaven and new kids on the fucking block : I'm gonna be surfing on the lake of fire, rocking out : high five at Satan every time I pass the motherfucking shore.
- You know, if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards : they sound better. Gives them that edge they're missing, puts some fucking hair on their balls.
- 'Come on, Bill, they're the New Kids. They're so good and so clean-cut and they're such a good image for the children.' Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit. I want someone who plays from his fucking heart!
- You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues. Here's what causes sexual thoughts: having a dick.
- What do atheists scream when they cum?
- Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blow jobs? See a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight : 'Answer him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now.' A woman one night yelled out, 'Yeah, you ever try it?' I said, 'Yeah. Almost broke my back.' It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory...and a fervent prayer! Yeah, now all the guys are going, 'Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child.' That may be true, but guys : yyyou know what I'm talking about. I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now : watching an empty stage. Boy, my folks are proud of me! 'Bill, honey, you still doing that suck your own cock bit?' 'Yeah, mom.' 'Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser. How clever of you to come up with the suck your own cock bit, honey. You're so clever, it makes your mama's bosom swell with pride. Knowing her son is travelling the world, using his given surname, going up in front of rooms of total strangers and doing the suck your own cock piece!' 'Thanks, mom.' 'No biggie.'
- I actually did that act one night in the south. Then, after the show, these three rednecks came up to me. 'Hey, buddy! We're Christians and we didn't like what you said.' I said, 'Then forgive me.' Later on, when I was hanging from the tree :
- I don't do drugs anymore... than, I'd say, the average touring funk band.
- They [Australians] celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit : left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I've read the Bible. I can't find the word 'bunny' or 'chocolate' anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer? As long as you're making shit up, you know, go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations. [in faux British accent] 'Mummy, I woke up today and there was a Lincoln log in me sock drawer.' 'That's the story of Jesus!'
- It's a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus. It's a fairly self-explanatory concept: Each week we let the hounds of hell loose and chase that no-talent cracker asshole across the globe until I catch him by that fruity ponytail, pull him to his knees, and put a shotgun in his mouth like a big black cock of death [boom] and we'll be back in '95 with Let's Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton.
- Do you all have different books in the Bible than I do? Are you all Gideons? Who are the fucking Gideons? Ever met one, no! Ever seen one, no! But they're all over the fucking world, putting Bibles in hotel rooms! Every one of them: 'This Bible was placed here by a Gideon.' When? I've been here all day and I ain't seen shit! I saw the housekeeper come and go, I saw the minibar guy come and go, I've never laid eyes on a fucking Gideon! What are they, ninjas? Where are they? Where are they from? Gidea? Who the fuck are these people?! I'm gonna capture a Gideon. Yeah, I'm gonna make that my hobby. I'll call up the front desk one day and say, 'Uh, I don't seem to have a Bible in my room.'
- People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch of paper with a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping 'aren't humanity neat?' bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
- What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big, healthy gut laugh. Ha ha ha ha! Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they're totally divided on abortion. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people : are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: 'They're annoying, they're idiots.' 'They're evil, they're fucks!' Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that's me :
- 'We're pro-life.' Eww, you look it! You look like you're filled with life.
- 'If you're so pro-life, don't lock arms and block medical clinics, lock arms and block cemeteries. Let's see how committed you are to this premise.'
- 'I'm a non-smoker. I'm pro-life. I'm a pro-life non-smoker.' Let the party begin.
- 'I was adopted by pro-life Christians when I was a kid. [Mimes gunshots] Does my penis make me a bad boy? That's what they told me!' Please, give me the Satan-worshiping family down the block : the ones that have the good albums.
- Here is my actual theory : beyond the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here's my real theory, though: If you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here, that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it to get it out of a horrible situation. Okay? People say, 'Why don't you do that?' And I say, 'Because I hate fucking kids and couldn't care less.' Couldn't give a fuck. Don't care at all about abortion. It's your choice, case closed, the end, bottom line. And by the way, that 3 month old kid in your belly is not a fucking human being, okay? It's a bunch of little congregated cells. You're not a human : till you're in my phone book.
- I was over in Australia, and everyone's like: 'Are you proud to be an American?' And I was like, 'Um, I don't know, I didn't have a lot to do with it. You know, my parents fucked there, that's about all.'
- I hate patriotism. I can't stand it, man - makes me fuckin' sick. It's a round world last time I checked.
- Here's how I feel about gays in the military: Anyone : dumb enough : to want to be in the military : should be allowed in. End of fucking story. That should be the only requirement. I don't care how many push-ups you can do - put on a helmet, go wait in that fox hole. We'll tell you when we need you to kill somebody. I've been watching all these Congressional hearings and all these military guys and all the pundits going, 'The esprit de corps will be affected, and we are such a moral :' Excuse me, but aren't you all a bunch of fucking hired killers? Shut up! You are thugs, and when we need you to go blow the fuck out of a nation of little brown people, we'll let you know. Until then :
- And don't tell me this is the military that protects our freedom - hey, ladies and gentlemen, there ain't no one out there who's a fucking threat to us. They don't exist. Oh - I'm talking now only of countries we don't arm first. All right, if you want to split hairs, you got a point. 'Bill, what about the nations we sell arms to and then blow the fuck out of?' Okay, they might be scary for about a day!
- Just keep selling them the shitty shit. We'll be fighting the next war. They'll have muskets. 'America won a war with this.' 'Yeah, a hundred years ago!' [makes aerosol can noise] 'What's that?' 'It's musket repellent.'
- I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. 'I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.' 'I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.' 'Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!' 'Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way, keep drinking beer, you fucking morons.'
- There's a new party being born: The People Who Hate People Party. People who hate people, come together! 'No!' We're kind of having trouble getting off the boards. Come to our meeting! 'Are you gonna be there?' Yeah. 'Then I ain't fucking coming.' But you're our strongest member! 'Fuck you!' That's what I'm talking about, you asshole! Fuck off! Damn, we almost had a meeting going. It's so hard to get my people together.
- Yeah, you really got my act down good, guys. That'll be great. You know, when I'm done ranting about the elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian government that uses the media in order to keep people stupid, my throat gets parched. That's why I drink Orange Drink.
- Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him? Can't you see his fat body in a tub while Reagan, Quayle and Bush just : [pee noise] Just standing around pissing on him, and his piggly-wiggly dick can't get hard. So they call in Barbara Bush :
- Rush Limbaugh is a Scat muncher. He munches Scat!
- You know that when Jesse Helms finally dies, he's gonna commit suicide out back in a washtub underneath a pecan tree. He's gonna slash his wrists and he's gonna write in blood, 'I've been a bad boy.' And you know they're gonna find the skins of young kids drying in his attic, swarms of horseflies going in and out of the eaves, and on CNN over and over, his wife going, 'I always wondered about Jesse's collection of little shoes :'
- Folks: It's time to evolve ideas. You know, evolution didn't end with us growing thumbs. You do know that, right? Didn't end there. We're at the point, now, where we're going to have to evolve ideas. The reason the world is so fucked up is we're undergoing evolution. And the reason our institutions, our traditional religions, are all crumbling, is because : they're no longer relevant. They're no longer relevant. So it's time for us to create a new philosophy and perhaps even a new religion, you see. And that's okay 'cause that's our right, 'cause we are free children of God with minds who can imagine anything, and that's kind of our role.
- I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I'm not sorry if you are offended, I'm actually sorry - just the fact that you're Catholic. Gotta be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence.
- The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! 'Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.'
- I've been compared to Koresh before. People have said I was like Koresh, only without the guns or pussy. And, uh : which means I'm just a really annoying guy, basically.
- I thought the whole thing [Waco] was an absolute disaster and a debacle. And if any of you had been watching public access and seen the footage which was not shown on any major news media source... of the tanks, Bradley tanks shooting fire into the compound. Which I think went against the party line story, which was that they shot tear gas in order to help the mothers and the children to get out to convince 'em, while they're destroying the compound, they're getting mom and children out, you see. The soft sell is definitely the FBI's way. And anyway, so the major news said that the Branch Davidians started the fire, if I'm not mistaken. Correct me when I go off the story here.... All they did was shoot in tear gas? And yet I've seen with my own eyes, and my squeegeed third eye, footage of a Bradley tank shooting fire into the compound, which... isn't that odd that no major news source has picked up on that? You think that's newsworthy? 'Cause that basically means that the government, from the FBI, the ATF, up to Janet Reno, including Clinton, are um... liars and murderers. Hahahahaha. And, wait there's more. I mean the implications are vast. You know, if the ATF and FBI had any honour, if there was any honour left or dignity on this planet, they would commit Hari-Kari, while first admitting what they've done, and they'd kill themselves. Because they are liars and murderers. 'Oh we had to bust the compound down cos we heard child molestation was going on.' Yeah, if that's true, how come we don't see Bradley tanks knocking down Catholic churches? I'm talking if child molestation is actually your concern. 'Well there was a methamphetamine lab on the...' No there wasn't. And not one child came out of there saying they were molested. Not one child. They don't want the voice of reason spoken, folks, 'cause otherwise we'd be free. Otherwise, we wouldn't believe their fucking horseshit lies, nor the fucking propaganda machine of the mainstream media and buy their horseshit products that we don't fucking need and become a third world consumer fucking plantation which is what we're becoming. Fuck them! They are liars and murderers. All governments are liars and murderers, and I am now Jesus, and this is MY compound.
- And I knew Bill Clinton became one of the boys when he bombed Iraq. Remember that? It was just a little news story for two days, isn't that interesting? He launched 22 cruise missiles against Baghdad in retaliation for the alleged assassination attempt against George Bush, which failed. We killed six innocent people, launching twenty two, I think three million dollars-a-piece missiles on Baghdad, killing six innocent people. Umm : I think that's a little bit overdoing it if you ask me. What we should have done is embarrass the Iraqis. And here's how we should have done it: We should have assassinated Bush ourselves. 'There, that's how you do it, towel heads. Don't fuck with us.' And see, if it had been Bush who had died, there would have been no loss of innocent life.
- Oh, there's a threat to America! Yeah, yeah, yeah... Back to that fuckin' COPS show. 'Cuz I'll tell you who the threat to freedom... no, no, not to freedom. I'll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country: it's us. That's why they show you shows like fuckin' COPS. So you know that state power will win and we'll bust your house down and we'll fuckin' bust you anytime we want. That's the message.
- Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once? 'Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration : that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.'
- Then comes the kicker: Say the alphabet : backwards. 'Well, shoot, you got me. I'm not drunk, but I'm obviously too stupid to be driving, God damn it.'
- Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut. The plot thickens. You remember Jim Fixx? This human cipher used to write books on jogging. Now, what do you fuckin' write about jogging? 'Right foot, left foot, faster, faster, oh hell, I dunno, go home, shower.' Pretty much covers the jogging experience, I do believe. Then this doofus goes out and has a heart attack and dies.... while jogging. There is a God. 'Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.
- Rick Astley? Have you seen this banal incubus at work? Boy, if this guy isn't heralding Satan's imminent approach to Earth, huh. 'Don't ever wanna make you cry, never wanna make you sigh...never gonna break your heart.' ...oh, I wouldn't worry about that without a dick, buddy. You got a corn nut! You got a clit! You're not even a guy! You're an AIDS germ that got off a slide! They're puttin' music to AIDS germs, they're puttin' a drum machine behind them in a metronome beat and Ted Turner's colorizing 'em, God damn it!
- [crowdmember yells out 'Freebird'] Please quit yelling that. It's not funny, it's not clever; it's stupid, it's repetitive. Why the fuck would you continue to yell that? I'm serious. [crowdmember yells out 'Kevin Matthews'] Okay, Kevin Matthews. What does that mean now? [voice slowly rising] Now what does it mean? I understand where it comes from, so do you. Now what does it all mean? What is the culmination of yelling that? [crowdmember yells out 'Jimmy Shorts'] Jimmy Shorts. He's not here. He's not gonna be here, now what? Now where are we? [voice rises faster] We're here with you interrupting me again, you fucking idiot! That's : you see where we're at? We're here at the same point again, where you, the fucking peon masses, can once again ruin anyone who tries to do anything because you don't know how to do it on your own! [shouting] That's where we're fucking at! Once again, the useless wastes of fucking flesh that has ruined everything good in this goddamn world! That's where we're at! Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever! Kill 'em all, Adolf, all of 'em! Jew, Mexican, American, white, kill 'em all! Start over, the experiment didn't work! [despairingly] Rain forty days, please fucking rain to wash these turds off my fucking life! Wash these human wastes of flesh and bone off this planet! I pray to you, God, to kill these fucking people! [crowdmember yells out 'Freebird' again] [utterly deflated] Freebird. And in the beginning there was the word 'Freebird' and 'Freebird' would be yelled throughout the centuries. 'Freebird', the mantra of the moron! 'Freebird', 'Freebird', 'Freebird', 'Freebird'. If we keep yelling this, one day we'll be funny. Keep doing it. 'Freebird', 'Freebird', 'Freebird', 'Freebird'. We will sit at the feet of Kevin Matthews. 'Freebird', 'Freebird', 'Freebird'. [audience joins in] 'Free-' I'm feeling enlightened! 'Freebird'. Oh, how holy. 'Well, I don't think this is going to be a 'get-laid' set for me, so, uh : [laughter] Well, Bill, good guess. But I'm not leaving, fuckers. As I said, you will be the first to leave. Ah well, we have a long night ahead of us:
- 'Today a young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped off a building, what a tragedy.' What a dick! If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground?
- All governments are lying cocksuckers.
- How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me.
- The only reason I don't quit smoking is because I fear that if I did, I'd become one of you.
- 'People who hate people - come together!' 'No!'
- Tell you, the worst kind of non-smokers' the kind where you're smoking and they just walk up to you : [starts coughing in the naggy-I-want-you-to-stop kinda' cough] I always say, 'Shit, you're lucky you don't smoke. That's some cough you got there, dude. I'm smoking, you're coughing. Wow.' That's kind of cruel, man, going up to a smoker and coughing. Shit! Do you go up to crippled people dancing too, you fucks? 'Hey, Mr. Wheelchair. What's your problem? Come on ironside, race ya!'
- I have been a comedian for a long time, so forgive me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.
- I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.
- I am a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh : is a poem.
- I was on the airplane coming over here. It's a non-smoking plane - get this, right? No smoking, but they allow children. Hmmm. 'Well, smoking bothers me.' Well, guess what :?
- Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
- I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible. 'Hey, buddy!' 'Hey, what?' End of argument.
- I was in Fyffe, Alabama last year. After the show, I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm eating, I'm alone and I'm reading a book, right? Waiter walks over to me: 'Hey, what you readin' for?' Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading : for. 'Well, God damn it, you stumped me. Why do I read? Hmm : I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is : so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waiter.' But then, this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes: 'Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader.' What the fuck's going on here? It's not like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit, God damn it. It's a book!
- Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?
- I just cannot believe in a war against drugs when they've got anti-drug commercials on TV all day long, followed by, 'This Bud's for you'.
- People say, 'Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. It was a long time ago. Just let it go, all right? It's a long time ago, just forget it.' I'm like, 'All right, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here :'
- Christianity has a built-in defense system: Anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it - and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist - is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field and just go, 'Show me.'
- We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.
- I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
- I don't understand anything, so there you go : you know what my problem is? I watch too much news, man. That's my problem, that's why I'm so depressed all the time. I figured it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don't know if you've ever sat around and watched CNN more than, I don't know, 20 hours in one day : I don't recommend that. Watch CNN Headline News for 1 hour, it's the most depressing thing you'll ever fucking do. 'WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION. WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS :' Then, you look out your window : [makes cricket noises] Where's all this shit happening? Ted Turner's making this shit up! Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: ''By 1992, we will all die of AIDS.' Read that on the air. I don't get laid, no one gets laid!' I'm writing Jane Fonda: 'Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?' I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast: 'Hey, it's all going to work out. Here's sports.'
- I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
- How much do you smoke, sir? A pack a week? Why don't you just put on a dress and swish around : I go through two lighters a day.
- This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going: 'What, what?' Let me just clarify: I know you think they're special : ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you that they're not! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of two-hundred million - that load, we're only talking about one load - connected: Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. Entire civilizations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! [:] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: 'Unngh : what's for fucking breakfast?!'
- As long as one person lives in darkness, then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.
- That's one thing about travelling, man: You stay in hotels all the time. Anybody here stay in hotels on a regular basis? Can you help me with something - does 'Do Not Disturb' mean 'Knock Immediately' in Spanish?
- I used to drink, I did. I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing in their lights thinking I'd made it to the next club.
- We can call anyone? Well, how about my fucking agent, and let's fire him together. Pittsburgh, you bastard. Good crowds? They stared at me like a dog that's just been shown a card-trick.
- All our beliefs are being challenged now, and rightfully so - they're stupid.
- The Loch Ness monster is actually a submarine. Driven by Bigfoot.
- They got this thing in New York, Channel J. Anybody heard of it? Well, it broadcasts nothing but ads for escort services 24 hours a day. Ads like: 'Call 1900-SLUT and the girl of your dreams will come to your house :' Let me tell you folks : the girl of my dreams doesn't blow fifty guys a day. The girl of my dreams I don't feel like eating a trucker's cum out of her pussy : The girl of my dreams you can't play connect-the-dots with the herpes sores around her anus. The girl of my dreams I'm putting on a pedestal so I can : do nasty, nasty things to her.
- 'Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag.' 'Really? I bought mine. Yeah, they sell them at K-Mart and shit.' 'He died in the Korean War.' 'Wow, what a coincidence. Mine was made in Korea.' No one - and I repeat, no one - has ever died for a flag. See, a flag : is just a piece of cloth. They may have died for freedom, which is also the freedom to burn the fucking flag, see. That's freedom.
- It's great to be back here. Wherever the hell I am, I always have a great time when I'm here.
- But you know, it's hard to have a relationship in this business, man. It's gonna take a very special woman : or a bunch of average ones. Anyway, I was reading an article in the paper about Ted Bundy [the mass murderer] being on trial in Florida. In the article it said the courtroom was filled with women waiting to give him flowers, love letters and wedding fucking proposals : and I'm afraid to say that the first thing that entered my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' What am I doing wrong? I read another article, a woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Here's why: She married a fella. He's on death row. Why is he on death row? He killed 8 women : he has AIDS, and she's suing the state for rights of conjugal visits. And I'm afraid to say that the first thing that came to my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' Okay, what exactly are you ladies looking for in a man here? They must have been heavy on the old sense of humor that you always talk about in your little women's polls. 'Ted Bundy, that old whip, he's hilarious. Some of the things Ted would do, he kills me. I overlooked the whole mass murder things 'cause he kept me in stitches.' It's just depressing. Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks - achey breaky fucking dick this guy is - Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals. You know, we're fucked up here. I tell you, Satan's gonna have no trouble taking over here 'cause all the women are gonna say: 'What a cute butt.' 'He's Satan!' 'You don't know him like I do.' 'He's the Prince of Darkness!' 'I can change him.' And I bet that's true, man. I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego. He'd rule the earth for a day, then we'd see him outside, mowing the lawn. 'Hey, aren't you Satan?' 'Shut up.' 'Ooh, Mr. Prince of Darkness, you forgot the edge back there.' 'Shut up.' You'll see him at the supermarket buying 'Tampons, aisle three :' 'Aren't you Satan?' 'Shut up.' 'You're pussy-whipped!' 'No, I'm Satan! Grrr!' 'You're not Prince of Darkness, you're Pussy-whipped of Darkness!'
- Actually, I'm against drugs being legalized, and this is why. Last weekend, my friend and I went into a farm, took some mushrooms, and we sat on a field. I looked up into the sky and saw God. He told me that there is nothing to fear, that he loves every single creature on this planet, and he showered gifts of forgiveness and love onto the Earth, and I realized that there was nothing to fear, and I loved everything : Now, if that isn't a bad thing for this country, I don't know what is. How can we continue to make weapons if we love everything?
- No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.
- So, thanks for coming out, I guess. Yeah, it's good to see people, you know. The newsman is so horrifying you get the impression you're just going to walk out your door and immediately be raped by some cracked-addicted, AIDS-infected : pit bull or something.
- Have you seen what they're doing to movies now? They show the movie to a test audience, then change it depending on whether these 200 random yahoos liked it or did not like it, as though we are all one, as though we all have the same taste, as though, as though, as though.
- 'You goin' to hell, boy!' Yeah well, at least that's where all the good music's gonna be. Hey, just 'cause I'm up on the stage with the lights on me doesn't mean you all have to stare [audience laughs, then one person applauds]. Thank you, my seal. Later on : me and Barney the seal will be doing a little balancing act. He'll be balancing me over a bed of razorblades! Yeeaaah! It's not quite American Gladiators, but we're here to try! Man, American Gladiators. I tell you, the world's gonna end with someone watching that on the TV, man. That's mankind's ultimate fucking evolutionary achievement, isn't it? These pituary retards rassling each other : in Vegas!
- I have this feeling man, 'cause you know, it's just a handful of people who run everything, you know : that's true, it's provable. It's not : I'm not a fucking conspiracy nut, it's provable. A handful, a very small elite, run and own these corporations, which include the mainstream media. I have this feeling that whoever is elected president, like Clinton was, no matter what you promise on the campaign trail - blah, blah, blah - when you win, you go into this smoke-filled room with the twelve industrialist capitalist scum-fucks who got you in there. And you're in this smoky room, and this little film screen comes down : and a big guy with a cigar goes, 'Roll the film.' And it's a shot of the Kennedy assassination from an angle you've never seen before : that looks suspiciously like it's from the grassy knoll. And then the screen goes up and the lights come up, and they go to the new president, 'Any questions?' 'Er, just what my agenda is.' 'First we bomb Baghdad.' 'You got it :'
- A guy says, 'I hate Jews,' and I said, 'Why?' He goes, 'Because they killed my God.' They believe that. If I believed that the Jews killed my God, I'd worship the Jews, 'cause shit, there's some badasses on that team, man. I haven't seen God ever, I see Jews all the time - go figure.
- ''Bill quit talking about Kennedy man let it go, it was a long time ago just forget about it' I'm like alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me...as long were talking shelf life here. 'But Bill you know Jesus died for you....' Yeah it was a long time ago, forget it....'
- Not only do I think pot should be legalized; I think it should be mandatory. (mocks driver honking horn in traffic) 'Shut up and smoke that, it's the law' 'I'm sorry officer, I was taking life seriously for a second. Who's hungry?'
- Brothers and sisters friends and neighbours, vibrations in the mind of the one true God whose name is love.
- 'You know Debbie Gibson writes all her own songs?' No! Fucking just pull me up a chair. 'Yeah, she writes all her own songs about her own real life experiences. 'Yeah, what's the next one called? Mom why am I bleeding? When did we start listening to pre-pubescent white girls? I musta missed that meeting. We have at our fingertips the greatest minds of all-time, the knowledge and history of the greatest thinkers of ALL FUCKING TIME, but no, what's that little white girl saying? Let's go put Debbie Gibson's thoughts on compact disc so they'll never be destroyed.