9 Bill Hicks Quotes on Society

Bill Hicks quotes on society

28. In many parts of our troubled world, people are yelling 'Revolution!'. In Tennessee they're yelling 'Evolution! We want our thumbs!'

29. But I'll tell you this. Where's this idea that childbirth is a miracle come from? I missed that fucking meeting, okay. 'It's a miracle. Childbirth is a miracle.' No, it's not. No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass, all right. It's a chemical reaction, that's all it fucking is. You wanna know what a miracle is? Raising a kid that doesn't talk in a movie theatre. Okay, there. There is a goddamn miracle. Not a miracle if every nine months any yin yang in the world can drop a litter of these mewling cabbages on our planet. And just in case you haven't seen the single mom statistics lately, the miracle is spreading like wild-fire. 'Hallelujah!' Trailer parks and council flats all over the world, just filling up with little miracles. THUNK, THUNK, THUNK - like frogs laying eggs - THUNK. 'Look at all my little miracles' - THUNK - 'filling up my trailer like a sardine can.' THUNK. 'You know what would be a real miracle? If I could remember your daddy's name.' THUNK. 'I guess I'll have to call you Lorry Driver Junior.' THUNK. 'That's all I remember about your daddy, was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me shooting his caffeine-ridden semen into my belly to produce my little water-headed miracle baby. Oh, there's your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery Junior.' 'Hallelujah!' Just hold on for a minute. Let's figure out this food/air deal, okay? Okay. I'm just weird, you know. How about have a neat world for kids to come to? Okay, it's me. Fuck it.

51. People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch of paper with a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping 'aren't humanity neat?' bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

52. What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big, healthy gut laugh. Ha ha ha ha! Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they're totally divided on abortion. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people : are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: 'They're annoying, they're idiots.' 'They're evil, they're fucks!' Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that's me :

69. Folks: It's time to evolve ideas. You know, evolution didn't end with us growing thumbs. You do know that, right? Didn't end there. We're at the point, now, where we're going to have to evolve ideas. The reason the world is so fucked up is we're undergoing evolution. And the reason our institutions, our traditional religions, are all crumbling, is because : they're no longer relevant. They're no longer relevant. So it's time for us to create a new philosophy and perhaps even a new religion, you see. And that's okay 'cause that's our right, 'cause we are free children of God with minds who can imagine anything, and that's kind of our role.

85. 'People who hate people - come together!' 'No!'

95. I just cannot believe in a war against drugs when they've got anti-drug commercials on TV all day long, followed by, 'This Bud's for you'.

100. I don't understand anything, so there you go : you know what my problem is? I watch too much news, man. That's my problem, that's why I'm so depressed all the time. I figured it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don't know if you've ever sat around and watched CNN more than, I don't know, 20 hours in one day : I don't recommend that. Watch CNN Headline News for 1 hour, it's the most depressing thing you'll ever fucking do. 'WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION. WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS :' Then, you look out your window : [makes cricket noises] Where's all this shit happening? Ted Turner's making this shit up! Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: ''By 1992, we will all die of AIDS.' Read that on the air. I don't get laid, no one gets laid!' I'm writing Jane Fonda: 'Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?' I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast: 'Hey, it's all going to work out. Here's sports.'

113. But you know, it's hard to have a relationship in this business, man. It's gonna take a very special woman : or a bunch of average ones. Anyway, I was reading an article in the paper about Ted Bundy [the mass murderer] being on trial in Florida. In the article it said the courtroom was filled with women waiting to give him flowers, love letters and wedding fucking proposals : and I'm afraid to say that the first thing that entered my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' What am I doing wrong? I read another article, a woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Here's why: She married a fella. He's on death row. Why is he on death row? He killed 8 women : he has AIDS, and she's suing the state for rights of conjugal visits. And I'm afraid to say that the first thing that came to my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' Okay, what exactly are you ladies looking for in a man here? They must have been heavy on the old sense of humor that you always talk about in your little women's polls. 'Ted Bundy, that old whip, he's hilarious. Some of the things Ted would do, he kills me. I overlooked the whole mass murder things 'cause he kept me in stitches.' It's just depressing. Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks - achey breaky fucking dick this guy is - Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals. You know, we're fucked up here. I tell you, Satan's gonna have no trouble taking over here 'cause all the women are gonna say: 'What a cute butt.' 'He's Satan!' 'You don't know him like I do.' 'He's the Prince of Darkness!' 'I can change him.' And I bet that's true, man. I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego. He'd rule the earth for a day, then we'd see him outside, mowing the lawn. 'Hey, aren't you Satan?' 'Shut up.' 'Ooh, Mr. Prince of Darkness, you forgot the edge back there.' 'Shut up.' You'll see him at the supermarket buying 'Tampons, aisle three :' 'Aren't you Satan?' 'Shut up.' 'You're pussy-whipped!' 'No, I'm Satan! Grrr!' 'You're not Prince of Darkness, you're Pussy-whipped of Darkness!'