35 Bill Hicks Quotes on Humor

Bill Hicks quotes on humor

13. You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?

26. I am available for children's parties, by the way : I'm Beelzebozo, The Clown from hell. [singing] It's Beelzebozo time :

31. I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you look around the world in which we live, and : I don't know, shut your fucking mouth?

32. Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight!

35. To my delight, I find that there is a different warning on each pack of cigarettes. Mine says: 'Warning: Smoking can cause fetal damage or premature birth.' Fuck it - I've found my brand! 'Yeah, give me a carton of Low Birth Weights.' Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know? Shop around, find a disease you can live with. 'What are you smoking, Dave?' 'Throat Polyps. Want one?' 'No thanks, I'll stick with my Yellow Fingernails.'

41. You know, if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards : they sound better. Gives them that edge they're missing, puts some fucking hair on their balls.

43. You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues. Here's what causes sexual thoughts: having a dick.

44. What do atheists scream when they cum?

45. Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blow jobs? See a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight : 'Answer him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now.' A woman one night yelled out, 'Yeah, you ever try it?' I said, 'Yeah. Almost broke my back.' It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory...and a fervent prayer! Yeah, now all the guys are going, 'Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child.' That may be true, but guys : yyyou know what I'm talking about. I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now : watching an empty stage. Boy, my folks are proud of me! 'Bill, honey, you still doing that suck your own cock bit?' 'Yeah, mom.' 'Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser. How clever of you to come up with the suck your own cock bit, honey. You're so clever, it makes your mama's bosom swell with pride. Knowing her son is travelling the world, using his given surname, going up in front of rooms of total strangers and doing the suck your own cock piece!' 'Thanks, mom.' 'No biggie.'

46. I actually did that act one night in the south. Then, after the show, these three rednecks came up to me. 'Hey, buddy! We're Christians and we didn't like what you said.' I said, 'Then forgive me.' Later on, when I was hanging from the tree :

47. I don't do drugs anymore... than, I'd say, the average touring funk band.

49. It's a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus. It's a fairly self-explanatory concept: Each week we let the hounds of hell loose and chase that no-talent cracker asshole across the globe until I catch him by that fruity ponytail, pull him to his knees, and put a shotgun in his mouth like a big black cock of death [boom] and we'll be back in '95 with Let's Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton.

52. What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big, healthy gut laugh. Ha ha ha ha! Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they're totally divided on abortion. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people : are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: 'They're annoying, they're idiots.' 'They're evil, they're fucks!' Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that's me :

64. There's a new party being born: The People Who Hate People Party. People who hate people, come together! 'No!' We're kind of having trouble getting off the boards. Come to our meeting! 'Are you gonna be there?' Yeah. 'Then I ain't fucking coming.' But you're our strongest member! 'Fuck you!' That's what I'm talking about, you asshole! Fuck off! Damn, we almost had a meeting going. It's so hard to get my people together.

65. Yeah, you really got my act down good, guys. That'll be great. You know, when I'm done ranting about the elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian government that uses the media in order to keep people stupid, my throat gets parched. That's why I drink Orange Drink.

66. Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him? Can't you see his fat body in a tub while Reagan, Quayle and Bush just : [pee noise] Just standing around pissing on him, and his piggly-wiggly dick can't get hard. So they call in Barbara Bush :

67. Rush Limbaugh is a Scat muncher. He munches Scat!

70. I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I'm not sorry if you are offended, I'm actually sorry - just the fact that you're Catholic. Gotta be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence.

72. I've been compared to Koresh before. People have said I was like Koresh, only without the guns or pussy. And, uh : which means I'm just a really annoying guy, basically.

79. Rick Astley? Have you seen this banal incubus at work? Boy, if this guy isn't heralding Satan's imminent approach to Earth, huh. 'Don't ever wanna make you cry, never wanna make you sigh...never gonna break your heart.' ...oh, I wouldn't worry about that without a dick, buddy. You got a corn nut! You got a clit! You're not even a guy! You're an AIDS germ that got off a slide! They're puttin' music to AIDS germs, they're puttin' a drum machine behind them in a metronome beat and Ted Turner's colorizing 'em, God damn it!

80. [crowdmember yells out 'Freebird'] Please quit yelling that. It's not funny, it's not clever; it's stupid, it's repetitive. Why the fuck would you continue to yell that? I'm serious. [crowdmember yells out 'Kevin Matthews'] Okay, Kevin Matthews. What does that mean now? [voice slowly rising] Now what does it mean? I understand where it comes from, so do you. Now what does it all mean? What is the culmination of yelling that? [crowdmember yells out 'Jimmy Shorts'] Jimmy Shorts. He's not here. He's not gonna be here, now what? Now where are we? [voice rises faster] We're here with you interrupting me again, you fucking idiot! That's : you see where we're at? We're here at the same point again, where you, the fucking peon masses, can once again ruin anyone who tries to do anything because you don't know how to do it on your own! [shouting] That's where we're fucking at! Once again, the useless wastes of fucking flesh that has ruined everything good in this goddamn world! That's where we're at! Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever! Kill 'em all, Adolf, all of 'em! Jew, Mexican, American, white, kill 'em all! Start over, the experiment didn't work! [despairingly] Rain forty days, please fucking rain to wash these turds off my fucking life! Wash these human wastes of flesh and bone off this planet! I pray to you, God, to kill these fucking people! [crowdmember yells out 'Freebird' again] [utterly deflated] Freebird. And in the beginning there was the word 'Freebird' and 'Freebird' would be yelled throughout the centuries. 'Freebird', the mantra of the moron! 'Freebird', 'Freebird', 'Freebird', 'Freebird'. If we keep yelling this, one day we'll be funny. Keep doing it. 'Freebird', 'Freebird', 'Freebird', 'Freebird'. We will sit at the feet of Kevin Matthews. 'Freebird', 'Freebird', 'Freebird'. [audience joins in] 'Free-' I'm feeling enlightened! 'Freebird'. Oh, how holy. 'Well, I don't think this is going to be a 'get-laid' set for me, so, uh : [laughter] Well, Bill, good guess. But I'm not leaving, fuckers. As I said, you will be the first to leave. Ah well, we have a long night ahead of us:

81. 'Today a young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped off a building, what a tragedy.' What a dick! If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground?

83. How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me.

87. I have been a comedian for a long time, so forgive me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

88. I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.

89. I am a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh : is a poem.

93. I was in Fyffe, Alabama last year. After the show, I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm eating, I'm alone and I'm reading a book, right? Waiter walks over to me: 'Hey, what you readin' for?' Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading : for. 'Well, God damn it, you stumped me. Why do I read? Hmm : I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is : so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waiter.' But then, this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes: 'Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader.' What the fuck's going on here? It's not like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit, God damn it. It's a book!

103. This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going: 'What, what?' Let me just clarify: I know you think they're special : ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you that they're not! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of two-hundred million - that load, we're only talking about one load - connected: Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. Entire civilizations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! [:] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: 'Unngh : what's for fucking breakfast?!'

107. We can call anyone? Well, how about my fucking agent, and let's fire him together. Pittsburgh, you bastard. Good crowds? They stared at me like a dog that's just been shown a card-trick.

109. The Loch Ness monster is actually a submarine. Driven by Bigfoot.

112. It's great to be back here. Wherever the hell I am, I always have a great time when I'm here.

113. But you know, it's hard to have a relationship in this business, man. It's gonna take a very special woman : or a bunch of average ones. Anyway, I was reading an article in the paper about Ted Bundy [the mass murderer] being on trial in Florida. In the article it said the courtroom was filled with women waiting to give him flowers, love letters and wedding fucking proposals : and I'm afraid to say that the first thing that entered my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' What am I doing wrong? I read another article, a woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Here's why: She married a fella. He's on death row. Why is he on death row? He killed 8 women : he has AIDS, and she's suing the state for rights of conjugal visits. And I'm afraid to say that the first thing that came to my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' Okay, what exactly are you ladies looking for in a man here? They must have been heavy on the old sense of humor that you always talk about in your little women's polls. 'Ted Bundy, that old whip, he's hilarious. Some of the things Ted would do, he kills me. I overlooked the whole mass murder things 'cause he kept me in stitches.' It's just depressing. Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks - achey breaky fucking dick this guy is - Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals. You know, we're fucked up here. I tell you, Satan's gonna have no trouble taking over here 'cause all the women are gonna say: 'What a cute butt.' 'He's Satan!' 'You don't know him like I do.' 'He's the Prince of Darkness!' 'I can change him.' And I bet that's true, man. I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego. He'd rule the earth for a day, then we'd see him outside, mowing the lawn. 'Hey, aren't you Satan?' 'Shut up.' 'Ooh, Mr. Prince of Darkness, you forgot the edge back there.' 'Shut up.' You'll see him at the supermarket buying 'Tampons, aisle three :' 'Aren't you Satan?' 'Shut up.' 'You're pussy-whipped!' 'No, I'm Satan! Grrr!' 'You're not Prince of Darkness, you're Pussy-whipped of Darkness!'

116. So, thanks for coming out, I guess. Yeah, it's good to see people, you know. The newsman is so horrifying you get the impression you're just going to walk out your door and immediately be raped by some cracked-addicted, AIDS-infected : pit bull or something.

120. A guy says, 'I hate Jews,' and I said, 'Why?' He goes, 'Because they killed my God.' They believe that. If I believed that the Jews killed my God, I'd worship the Jews, 'cause shit, there's some badasses on that team, man. I haven't seen God ever, I see Jews all the time - go figure.

122. Not only do I think pot should be legalized; I think it should be mandatory. (mocks driver honking horn in traffic) 'Shut up and smoke that, it's the law' 'I'm sorry officer, I was taking life seriously for a second. Who's hungry?'