Bill Hicks Quotes on Smoking

10 quotes

  1. It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks pretty good to me right now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and lightly moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy lips right now.

  2. I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you look around the world in which we live, and : I don't know, shut your fucking mouth?

  3. Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight!

  4. To my delight, I find that there is a different warning on each pack of cigarettes. Mine says: 'Warning: Smoking can cause fetal damage or premature birth.' Fuck it - I've found my brand! 'Yeah, give me a carton of Low Birth Weights.' Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know? Shop around, find a disease you can live with. 'What are you smoking, Dave?' 'Throat Polyps. Want one?' 'No thanks, I'll stick with my Yellow Fingernails.'

  5. 'I'm a non-smoker. I'm pro-life. I'm a pro-life non-smoker.' Let the party begin.

  6. How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me.

  7. The only reason I don't quit smoking is because I fear that if I did, I'd become one of you.

  8. Tell you, the worst kind of non-smokers' the kind where you're smoking and they just walk up to you : [starts coughing in the naggy-I-want-you-to-stop kinda' cough] I always say, 'Shit, you're lucky you don't smoke. That's some cough you got there, dude. I'm smoking, you're coughing. Wow.' That's kind of cruel, man, going up to a smoker and coughing. Shit! Do you go up to crippled people dancing too, you fucks? 'Hey, Mr. Wheelchair. What's your problem? Come on ironside, race ya!'

  9. I was on the airplane coming over here. It's a non-smoking plane - get this, right? No smoking, but they allow children. Hmmm. 'Well, smoking bothers me.' Well, guess what :?

  10. How much do you smoke, sir? A pack a week? Why don't you just put on a dress and swish around : I go through two lighters a day.

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