20 Bill Hicks Quotes on Media

Bill Hicks quotes on media

2. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article front page of the paper one day, in England, 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury.' ...Wooooo. 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! ...What if they become ruffians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shaftesbury tonight. (to the tune of 'Behind Blue Eyes' by The Who) No one knows what it's like... to be a dustbin... in Shaftesbury... with hooligans...'

22. But you know, I saw this movie last year called Basic : Instinct. Okay. Now, Bill's quick capsule review: Piece of shit. Okay, now : yeah, yeah. End of story, by the way. Don't get caught up in that fevered hype phoney fucking debate about that piece of shit movie. 'Is it too sexist? And what about the movies, are they becoming too :' You're just confused, you've forgotten how to judge correctly. Take a deep breath : look at it again. 'Oh, it's a piece of shit!' Exactly, that's all it is. Satan squatted, let out a loaf, they put a fucking title on it, put it on a marquee - Satan's shit, piece of shit, walk away. 'But is it too : and what about the lesbian content, they :' You're getting really baffled here. Piece of shit! Now walk away. That's all it is, it's nothing more! Free yourself, folks. If you see it: 'Piece of shit!' Say it and walk away. You're right! You're right, not those fuckers who want to tell you how to think! You're fucking right!

24. By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourself. Seriously, though. If you are, do. No, really. There's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, okay? Kill yourself. Seriously. You are the ruiner of all things good, seriously. No, this is not a joke, if you're going: 'There's going to be a joke coming.' There's no fucking joke coming. You are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked, and you are fucking us. Kill yourself, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself. Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going: 'He's doing a joke.' There's no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend - I don't care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil fucking machinations. I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too. 'Oh, you know what Bill's doing? He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart.' Oh man. I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags! 'Oh, you know what Bill's doing now? He's going for the righteous indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. Lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research. Huge market. He's doing a good thing.' God damn it, I'm not doing that, you scumbags. Quit putting a goddamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! 'Oh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market, Bill's very bright to do that.' God, I'm just caught in a fucking web. 'Oh, the trapped dollar. Big dollar, huge dollar. Good market, look at our research. We see that many people feel trapped. If we play to that and then separate them into the trapped dollar :' How do you live like that? And I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don't you? 'What did you do today, honey?' 'Oh, we made arsenic childhood food. Now, good night. Yeah, we just said, you know, is your baby really too loud? You know : yeah, the mums will love it, yeah.' Sleep like fucking children, don't you? This is your world, isn't it?

25. Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

63. I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. 'I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.' 'I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.' 'Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!' 'Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way, keep drinking beer, you fucking morons.'

65. Yeah, you really got my act down good, guys. That'll be great. You know, when I'm done ranting about the elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian government that uses the media in order to keep people stupid, my throat gets parched. That's why I drink Orange Drink.

66. Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him? Can't you see his fat body in a tub while Reagan, Quayle and Bush just : [pee noise] Just standing around pissing on him, and his piggly-wiggly dick can't get hard. So they call in Barbara Bush :

73. I thought the whole thing [Waco] was an absolute disaster and a debacle. And if any of you had been watching public access and seen the footage which was not shown on any major news media source... of the tanks, Bradley tanks shooting fire into the compound. Which I think went against the party line story, which was that they shot tear gas in order to help the mothers and the children to get out to convince 'em, while they're destroying the compound, they're getting mom and children out, you see. The soft sell is definitely the FBI's way. And anyway, so the major news said that the Branch Davidians started the fire, if I'm not mistaken. Correct me when I go off the story here.... All they did was shoot in tear gas? And yet I've seen with my own eyes, and my squeegeed third eye, footage of a Bradley tank shooting fire into the compound, which... isn't that odd that no major news source has picked up on that? You think that's newsworthy? 'Cause that basically means that the government, from the FBI, the ATF, up to Janet Reno, including Clinton, are um... liars and murderers. Hahahahaha. And, wait there's more. I mean the implications are vast. You know, if the ATF and FBI had any honour, if there was any honour left or dignity on this planet, they would commit Hari-Kari, while first admitting what they've done, and they'd kill themselves. Because they are liars and murderers. 'Oh we had to bust the compound down cos we heard child molestation was going on.' Yeah, if that's true, how come we don't see Bradley tanks knocking down Catholic churches? I'm talking if child molestation is actually your concern. 'Well there was a methamphetamine lab on the...' No there wasn't. And not one child came out of there saying they were molested. Not one child. They don't want the voice of reason spoken, folks, 'cause otherwise we'd be free. Otherwise, we wouldn't believe their fucking horseshit lies, nor the fucking propaganda machine of the mainstream media and buy their horseshit products that we don't fucking need and become a third world consumer fucking plantation which is what we're becoming. Fuck them! They are liars and murderers. All governments are liars and murderers, and I am now Jesus, and this is MY compound.

75. Oh, there's a threat to America! Yeah, yeah, yeah... Back to that fuckin' COPS show. 'Cuz I'll tell you who the threat to freedom... no, no, not to freedom. I'll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country: it's us. That's why they show you shows like fuckin' COPS. So you know that state power will win and we'll bust your house down and we'll fuckin' bust you anytime we want. That's the message.

76. Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once? 'Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration : that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.'

91. Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

95. I just cannot believe in a war against drugs when they've got anti-drug commercials on TV all day long, followed by, 'This Bud's for you'.

100. I don't understand anything, so there you go : you know what my problem is? I watch too much news, man. That's my problem, that's why I'm so depressed all the time. I figured it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don't know if you've ever sat around and watched CNN more than, I don't know, 20 hours in one day : I don't recommend that. Watch CNN Headline News for 1 hour, it's the most depressing thing you'll ever fucking do. 'WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION. WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS :' Then, you look out your window : [makes cricket noises] Where's all this shit happening? Ted Turner's making this shit up! Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: ''By 1992, we will all die of AIDS.' Read that on the air. I don't get laid, no one gets laid!' I'm writing Jane Fonda: 'Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?' I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast: 'Hey, it's all going to work out. Here's sports.'

101. I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

110. They got this thing in New York, Channel J. Anybody heard of it? Well, it broadcasts nothing but ads for escort services 24 hours a day. Ads like: 'Call 1900-SLUT and the girl of your dreams will come to your house :' Let me tell you folks : the girl of my dreams doesn't blow fifty guys a day. The girl of my dreams I don't feel like eating a trucker's cum out of her pussy : The girl of my dreams you can't play connect-the-dots with the herpes sores around her anus. The girl of my dreams I'm putting on a pedestal so I can : do nasty, nasty things to her.

116. So, thanks for coming out, I guess. Yeah, it's good to see people, you know. The newsman is so horrifying you get the impression you're just going to walk out your door and immediately be raped by some cracked-addicted, AIDS-infected : pit bull or something.

117. Have you seen what they're doing to movies now? They show the movie to a test audience, then change it depending on whether these 200 random yahoos liked it or did not like it, as though we are all one, as though we all have the same taste, as though, as though, as though.

118. 'You goin' to hell, boy!' Yeah well, at least that's where all the good music's gonna be. Hey, just 'cause I'm up on the stage with the lights on me doesn't mean you all have to stare [audience laughs, then one person applauds]. Thank you, my seal. Later on : me and Barney the seal will be doing a little balancing act. He'll be balancing me over a bed of razorblades! Yeeaaah! It's not quite American Gladiators, but we're here to try! Man, American Gladiators. I tell you, the world's gonna end with someone watching that on the TV, man. That's mankind's ultimate fucking evolutionary achievement, isn't it? These pituary retards rassling each other : in Vegas!

119. I have this feeling man, 'cause you know, it's just a handful of people who run everything, you know : that's true, it's provable. It's not : I'm not a fucking conspiracy nut, it's provable. A handful, a very small elite, run and own these corporations, which include the mainstream media. I have this feeling that whoever is elected president, like Clinton was, no matter what you promise on the campaign trail - blah, blah, blah - when you win, you go into this smoke-filled room with the twelve industrialist capitalist scum-fucks who got you in there. And you're in this smoky room, and this little film screen comes down : and a big guy with a cigar goes, 'Roll the film.' And it's a shot of the Kennedy assassination from an angle you've never seen before : that looks suspiciously like it's from the grassy knoll. And then the screen goes up and the lights come up, and they go to the new president, 'Any questions?' 'Er, just what my agenda is.' 'First we bomb Baghdad.' 'You got it :'

124. 'You know Debbie Gibson writes all her own songs?' No! Fucking just pull me up a chair. 'Yeah, she writes all her own songs about her own real life experiences. 'Yeah, what's the next one called? Mom why am I bleeding? When did we start listening to pre-pubescent white girls? I musta missed that meeting. We have at our fingertips the greatest minds of all-time, the knowledge and history of the greatest thinkers of ALL FUCKING TIME, but no, what's that little white girl saying? Let's go put Debbie Gibson's thoughts on compact disc so they'll never be destroyed.