I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.

I have been a comedian for a long time, so forgive me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

I am a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh : is a poem.

Tell you, the worst kind of non-smokers' the kind where you're smoking and they just walk up to you : [starts coughing in the naggy-I-want-you-to-stop kinda' c…

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

'There aren't many laughs in that and I remember doing a look and everybody laughed and I just thought, wow, that's incredible how you can do that. So I did an…

George Kaufman and I wrote a lot of funny lines for Groucho, some of which he occasionally used... but it was Groucho who by his innate sense of timing and his…