But you know, it's hard to have a relationship in this business, man. It's gonna take a very special woman : or a bunch of average ones. Anyway, I was reading an article in the paper about Ted Bundy [the mass murderer] being on trial in Florida. In the article it said the courtroom was filled with women waiting to give him flowers, love letters and wedding fucking proposals : and I'm afraid to say that the first thing that entered my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' What am I doing wrong? I read another article, a woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Here's why: She married a fella. He's on death row. Why is he on death row? He killed 8 women : he has AIDS, and she's suing the state for rights of conjugal visits. And I'm afraid to say that the first thing that came to my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' Okay, what exactly are you ladies looking for in a man here? They must have been heavy on the old sense of humor that you always talk about in your little women's polls. 'Ted Bundy, that old whip, he's hilarious. Some of the things Ted would do, he kills me. I overlooked the whole mass murder things 'cause he kept me in stitches.' It's just depressing. Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks - achey breaky fucking dick this guy is - Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals. You know, we're fucked up here. I tell you, Satan's gonna have no trouble taking over here 'cause all the women are gonna say: 'What a cute butt.' 'He's Satan!' 'You don't know him like I do.' 'He's the Prince of Darkness!' 'I can change him.' And I bet that's true, man. I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego. He'd rule the earth for a day, then we'd see him outside, mowing the lawn. 'Hey, aren't you Satan?' 'Shut up.' 'Ooh, Mr. Prince of Darkness, you forgot the edge back there.' 'Shut up.' You'll see him at the supermarket buying 'Tampons, aisle three :' 'Aren't you Satan?' 'Shut up.' 'You're pussy-whipped!' 'No, I'm Satan! Grrr!' 'You're not Prince of Darkness, you're Pussy-whipped of Darkness!'

Humor·Society·Relationships